It terrifies me to write this.
I feel inadequate to express what God has placed on my heart, yet I'm so compelled to put words to what is going on inside of me, that even the fear is being drowned out.
So here it is.
So here it is.
This is for anyone who has ever screamed "Why, God?!" into the stillness of the night and discovered only silence as an answer.
This is for anyone whose "why" never crossed your lips, because the weight of pain was too suffocating to speak.
This is for anyone who has whispered the "why" behind closed doors and felt the shame of asking such a question.
This is for anyone who has asked the question "Why, God?" in the past and heard it echo back to them through empty corridors of a reality that just hurts.
Maybe your "why" is not in the past. Maybe your "why" is drowning your today.
I don't know where you are right now. I don't know what life has thrown at you, or what you've gotten yourself into. In the middle of the motion and rythme of my life, I've taken a seat in a coffee shop to allow what is burning inside my own chest to flow through my fingers onto this busy keyboard with the hope that it speaks to your heart.
Everyday I brush shoulders with people who keep putting one foot in front of the next in order to keep functioning externally, regardless of what is going on internally. I am overwhelmed by the pain that I discover in the voices, eyes, and hearts of those who have the courage to let me in to see it.
What can I say? Life just hurts.
I could give examples of "life hurts", but I don't want to. We're already too good at comparing our stories to the stories of others. Right now, this is for YOU. Not your neighbor or cousin or coworker.
Pain is pain. I don't know what your pain feels like, and you don't understand mine. We both know that it hurts, and that's how we relate.
It hurts.
The reality is that everyone, at some point in life, will encounter pain that they wish did not exist.
But it does. The pain does exist.
You can duck and hide,
you can scream and cry,
you can deny it or defend it,
fight it or embrace it
No matter how you choose to respond to it, the pain remains an unwelcome guest in your heart.
I was a very idealistic little girl. All things beautiful and sweet and innocent captured my attention. I was a dreamer. In the world of my mind everything could be wonderful if it was just given a chance.
The past few years have shattered this little girl.
I discovered pain.
Real, unexplainable, unsolvable, pain.
I've come to the conclusion that I hate it.
I hate the pain inside of me. I hate the pain around me. I hate the pain that I cannot take away from my loved ones. I hate the pain that I cannot cure for my friends. I hate the pain that I see in the eyes of the smiling stranger that I hand a cup of coffee to everyday at work.
Today I got in my car and beat my fists on my steering wheel, crying out that familiar question "Why, God?"
"Can't you see that this world is falling apart? Don't you hear the desperation in our voices? You say that you see everything and know everything and have all power, and then You have the audacity to claim to be a good God in the face of our dark reality???"
I confess. I have joined the ranks of those who ask the empty "why?"
What kind of a sick minded person would choose to follow a God who allows (if not causes) pain that is so ugly and destructive?
I will no longer be the good Christian girl who feels the need to make excuses for God in the face of tragedy.
Welcome to my messy heart.
I'm inviting you to come and see what God has given me in exchange for my empty "why?". Not because I want to share my heart with you (I'm not that generous), but because I want you to know HIS heart.
Here's the first truth: God didn't do it.
That nasty thing that happened in the dark? That physical issue that drained away life and replaced it with death? The emotional torment?
God didn't do it.
This truth helps. But it isn't enough.
My challenge: "So, God didn't do it? Well then, where was He when it happened?"
What came out of me looked like anger and bitterness. What it masked was deep hurt at the thought that God could have prevented what happened to me, and He chose not to.
Like a father who stands idly by as his toddler wanders into a busy street.
This is not a good God.
More anger. More bitterness. More screaming and crying.
More hurt.
How am I supposed to look at this pain without running from it, and continue to trust God's goodness?
The next truth: God never wanted this to happen.
God loves you. He wants what's best for you even more than you do. The things that break your heart do not cause Him pleasure. The things that hurt you, hurt Him because He loves you.
When it happened - whatever it was, God's pain matched yours.
Did you hear me? This pain was not His design.
I said earlier that "I discovered that I hate pain."
I have also discovered that God hates pain.
My challenge: If He doesn't want it to happen, then why doesn't He put an end to it?
Ahh.
There it is. The Why?
In my pit, I beat the ground. I screamed into the silence. My voice went hoarse and then gave up. My anger spent in a fit of rage. He came and found me. He lifted my head. He cupped my tearstreaked face in His hands. With nothing left but raw pain, I whispered "Why?"
" If you were there, and you saw, why didn't you do something, Abba?"
With my eyes locked on His, I found the answer.
The scene flashed before my eyes.
A dusty road. A furious mob. A wooden cross.
The agony in His voice echoed my own. The desperation in His bloodshot eyes chilled me. His empty "why" broke the silence. It was all too familiar.
If I want to know how my Father felt about that moment in my life, I have to lift my eyes to the hill called Golgatha.
That was the moment He told me the answer to my "why."
That was the moment He told me the answer to my "why."
"Joanna, I did do something. Can't you see? Feel the trace of nails in my hands, touch my side. I love you. Can't you see my heart?"
This is His response to a world full of "why".
The cost of healing for our pain? His own pain stamped it - paid in full. How much does your pain matter to Him? Enough for Him to die for you. That's how much it matters.
He proved His goodness. He proved His love. He put action to His words. There is no greater way He could have expressed His heart.
So if He cares, why allow the pain to persist?
God is not a controlling and domineering God. Like a gentlemen, He extends the invitation for this world to draw near to Him. We either push Him away or welcome Him into our lives. When the choice is made to push Him away, there is no level of depravity that an individual will not sink to. I know this too well.
This is not God's fault. Death, sickness, and cruelty were never God's design. Ever.
We live in a world wrecked by the consequences of pushing God away, and it touches all of us. Whether it was our own choice to reject God or simply the impact of living in a world that has rejected him, the choice to reject God has wrought incredible pain.
Yes, life hurts.
My challenge: "So, that's it? We live in a broken world and that's the reality? Can I quit now? When do I get to give up? Cause this hurts like hell and I don't want it."
My final truth: God redeems.
My hope. My anthem. My theme.
I refuse to thank God for the bad things that happened in my life. I cannot produce gratitude in my heart for the memories that make me sick to my stomach.
I can, however, thank God for the good that He is able to bring out of that pain.
Because, hurting one, He is able.
Because of the cross, we have access to Him right here, right now. In this life, He comforts, heals, and transforms ashes into beauty. These are not far off, sweet sounding concepts to me. I have sat in the ashes and He has raised me in beauty.
We may still be in a broken world, but someday, whether tomorrow or on the other side of eternity, He will make every wrong right.
I believe this. This truth carries me.
In the meantime, I will run to His embrace, crying "Daddy, this hurts!"
It's there, in His arms, that I find what I need to go on.
Will you run to Him too? Will you trust His heart?
Are you willing to trade your "why" for His embrace?
"...The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil." -1 John 3:8
"Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, He himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death He might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death, were subject to lifelong slavery." - Hebrews 2:14-15
"The theif comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd, the good shepherd lays down His life for the sheep." - John 10:10-11
"I have said these things to you that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have trouble, but take heart; I have overcome the world." -John 16:33
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."
-2 Corinthians 4:16-18
"And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we are saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience...and we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:23-25; 28
"Indeed we felt that we had received the sentance of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope, that He will deliver us again."
-2 Corinthians 1:9-10
Then comes the end, when he delivers the kingdom to God the Father after destroying every rule and every authority and power. For He must reign until He has put all His enemies under His feet. The last enemy to be destroyed is death." - 1 Corinthians 15:24-26
"...The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil." -1 John 3:8
"Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, He himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death He might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death, were subject to lifelong slavery." - Hebrews 2:14-15
"The theif comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd, the good shepherd lays down His life for the sheep." - John 10:10-11
"I have said these things to you that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have trouble, but take heart; I have overcome the world." -John 16:33
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."
-2 Corinthians 4:16-18
"And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we are saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience...and we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:23-25; 28
"Indeed we felt that we had received the sentance of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope, that He will deliver us again."
-2 Corinthians 1:9-10
Then comes the end, when he delivers the kingdom to God the Father after destroying every rule and every authority and power. For He must reign until He has put all His enemies under His feet. The last enemy to be destroyed is death." - 1 Corinthians 15:24-26
