hold me.

                                                

As I blow the dust off this keyboard I feel the ache in my chest.

Weary.

My heart is weary.

I could wait until I have a pretty bow to tie this up for you, but…that just wouldn’t be real. And if there is one thing I have been learning lately, it is that real human is exactly what I am.

And real human… well, human feels real hard right now.

Every human has a story. Some of you know pieces of mine.

The funny thing about sharing one’s own human story, is that the story isn’t over yet. There is no grand conclusion yet. There is no happy ending yet. There is no perfect resolution yet.

And for a major control freak and minor perfectionist, that’s an uncomfortable realization.

I feel like God dipped his quill in the ink and started writing on the pages of my heart again. Maybe He never stopped, and I just quit paying attention. Either way, the theme of the story shifted at some point into something that I know feels entirely too real and too raw to put into words.

…So, like a real genius who processes through writing, I’m taking a shot at it anyways.

Maybe I thought I had it figured out. Maybe I thought I knew it all. Maybe I tried too hard. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. Maybe... it doesn’t matter anymore.

Because this is where I find myself whether I want to be here or not.

Reality just hurts sometimes.

Remember when you were little and you collided with another kid on the playing field and got the wind knocked out of you? Remember that feeling of sheer terror and helplessness as you stared blankly at the blue sky and thought to yourself “BREATHE!”

Yep.

I think life knocked the wind out of me. 

Except life is much bigger than the average 4^th grader and breathing becomes harder when the blow has reached your heart.  Can anyone relate?

Just when you thought you were catching your breath,
just when you thought you found traction,
just when you thought you were ready to get back in the ring to fight again,
another blow, and down you went.

I’ve learned a lot of valuable lessons down on the floor.

I have yet to figure this one out.

In the middle of the mess,
In the middle of the pain,
In the middle of the I-don’t-know,
and the not-finished-yet…

“I need you to hold me.”

Curled up in the fetal position in my car.

Trying to sleep on someone else’s couch.

Leaning my head against the bathroom wall.

Hold me.

Please don’t let me go! If I ever needed You, it’s now. Abba, where are you? What am I doing? What have I done?

Hold me.

My brain is tired and I can’t hold on anymore. I can’t make sense of this and I don’t care. I don’t even want to figure it out and we both know that’s not normal.

Hold me.

My hands are shaking. My head is pounding. The tears won’t come and then they won’t stop coming. I’m wide awake but so very tired.

It just hurts.

He’s there.

I can’t hear Him. I can’t see Him. I can’t even feel Him.

But He’s there.

He’s there as I lean my weary head back, picturing myself held against His chest.

My Lord promised that He would not let me go.

So this is where I will camp. This is where I will stay. This is where I will hide until the storm passes by.

Because, human? Well, that’s what I am. And to be human means that I desperately need to be held together by Someone greater than me.

Abba, I can’t hold it together, I need You to hold me.

There has been a whole lot of me trying to wrestle my way out of His arms so that I can do it on my own. There’s only one problem with that attempt:

I can’t do it on my own.

(It’s one of those floor life-lessons.)

When I finally cave,
when I finally let the walls start to crumble,
when I finally yield,
when I finally lower my boxing gloves…

I realize that it feels so good to be held.

That maybe, just maybe, being held is what this frightened soul needs more than anything else.

More than figuring it out. More than undoing the past. More than cleaning up the messes. More than fixing what is broken. More than regaining control. More than obtaining victory.
          Even more than mending the hurt.

Hold me.

I need You to hold me.

I can’t do this alone.

You designed this messy soul and know me inside and out. You understand even when I don’t.
You love me. You’re here. You care.

So, hold me tight against Your chest. Never let me go.

When I push you away, when I forget your Name, when I take a wrong turn, when my feelings ebb and flow...Abba, please hold me and don’t let me go.

Whisper in my ear, remind me who I am. Take me to that precious place where You’re my only love again. Wipe away the tears or leave them streaming down my cheeks. I don’t care either way as long as you hold me close.

I’ve chosen to trust You. Where else could I go?

I guess one beauty of the floor is that there’s nowhere left to fall…so, it’s a good place to rest.

I’m asking God to love on me here in a new way. I don’t want this human story to be wasted. Since I found myself here, I want to get to know Him more here. Not because I want to be here (I don’t), but because I just need to know Him more.

This chapter is requiring more of me than the last one did, and since there is none of me that has anything left to give, that means it’s requiring me to depend on more of HIM.

I don’t know what kind of page you’re on in your story right now. I haven’t found a title for mine yet, come to think of it. But if you can relate to any of this I just want to say: You’re not alone.

You need to know that you’re not alone.

I need to know that I’m not alone.

It’s not always going to feel this devastating and it’s not always going to feel this difficult. But maybe right now, it just hurts.

And while you wait for the storm to pass, whether it’s a week from now or 40 years down the road, will you join me? Will you invite Him to hold you right here? To love you right here? 

I hope you will.

Even as I stand with shaking hands, catching one breath at a time, trying to choose to let love win my heart, being held together by the same strong arms.

"I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand." 

- John 10:29

"For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together." 

- Colossians 1:16-17

...he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” 

- Hebrews 13:5

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." 

- Romans 8:38-39