the most beautiful thing.

When one comes to the absolute end of themselves there is an unspeakable impact on one's soul.

It leaves a mark. A permanent, deep, profound, and often painful mark.

This is the place where in one single moment, darkness seeps in while the light brings blinding clarity. I have come to know this place over the years. It's become a familiar stop along the path as I make my journey towards wholeness.

I have been made aware, again, that I am not the person that I want to be.

No amount of wrestling, pushing, and grasping at my "perfect" image of self will gain me a single inch toward my goal. 

The truth is, I have spent my entire life running from this place of clarity. Running from the reality of who I am. The parts of me that hide in the shadows. The parts of me that nobody knows because they are buried in a facade of self-sufficiency. The parts of me that I never want you to see because if you saw – truly saw, you would (rightfully) turn and walk away in either disgust or fear.

During the past several years, I have come to realize new depths to my brokenness. I have come to the end of myself in ways I never dreamed possible. God only knows my desperate capacity to fall apart. And not to just fall apart, but to stay shattered in that hopeless place. To set up camp and to dwell there indefinitely. To sit in the ashes and dust unable to think, feel, or move. 

Sometimes I feel like a broken record to those around me when I share about my inadequacy. This isn’t the first time I have tried to put words to my flawed experience. But I’m not sharing this in an attempt for reassurance, pity, or judgment.

Here is what I want you to hear when I tell you my story:

At the end of myself, I discover the most beautiful thing. Something so wonderful, so brilliant, so breathtaking, that I struggle to assign words to it.

In the depths of this desperate state, there is Someone that sees me completely and loves me unconditionally.

In my shame, I find myself pursued and ultimately rescued by a furious, limitless, life-changing love.

God meets me.

Again and again and again.

I don’t need to be reassured that I am a good person. I don’t need to be told that my flaws are “not that bad.” I don’t need to be convinced that those broken parts of me do not exist. It doesn’t help. It only fuels my efforts to cover up and hide the complete picture of who I am.

Do you know what I need? I need to know that there is an infinitely good Being that is intimately aware of everything about me. Every detail. Every crack. Every festering wound. Every lie I believe about myself and the world around me.

To be known. Truly and deeply known AND loved.

This. This is what I need.

God never intended for me to live my life in the shadows of shame and despair. I was designed with incredible intentionality and purpose. I am not an accident or a mistake. I was created to be a masterpiece. But I am flawed.

God’s intention for humanity was not to condemn us in our imperfect (and often ugly) states. God’s intention has always been to bring us into the fullness of His incredible image, for His great glory.

He would not be a good God if He chose to look the other way in the face of depravity. He cannot and should not ignore the ugliness that humanity brings to the table again and again and again. In His justice, He must address what is wrong with us. And so, He did what we could never do. He became intimately acquainted with our humanity to solve our impossible dilemma.

Jesus paid the ultimate price that we accrued in our brokenness and sin.

So when I say that I am known intimately and loved unconditionally, it is not because the weight of my brokenness (intentional and unintentional sin) doesn’t matter. It is because Jesus already carried the burden that was too heavy for me.

I am free from Shame.

I cannot change the love that God has for me. He will never love me more or less than He does right now. When He looks at me, He sees the perfection of Jesus. He sees me as His beloved child.

No other human will ever fully know me, it’s impossible. But there will always be a God who fully knows me. And the most beautiful thing is that He loves me beyond what I can imagine.

There is a freedom, a peace, a joy, a safety (and so much more) found in the arms of Jesus.

And so, I discover again that the end of myself is not at all a hopeless place. It is where my desperate soul is met with the power of unconditional love. And I will become whole. Not because I have all the missing pieces, but because God meets my inadequacies with the fullness of Himself. I could never be the best version of myself without Him because I was designed to be enveloped in His incredible, perfect, life-giving reality.

I can let go of the fight to be good enough and rest in love - free from the shame, the despair, and the shadows.

Isn’t that the most beautiful thing?

It takes my breath away.

 Maybe you too know what it feels like to come face to face with your desperate capacity to fall apart. To miss the mark. To fail to be the person you want to be. 
Maybe you have never "hit rock bottom" or "come to the end" of yourself.
Either way, if you live with a nagging sense of shame and despair because of the parts of yourself you keep hidden in the shadows, I want you to know that there is an antidote. 

Lose the shame, it's killing you.
Be met by unconditional love and grace.
Come running into the arms of Jesus. 

To be found in this place, at the end of oneself, fully known and loved.

...It really is the most beautiful thing. 

"The One who knows me best

Is the One who loves me most"

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"For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life. Indeed, God did not send the Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him".

John 3:16-17

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God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

Ephesians 2:8-10

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 "Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen."

Ephesians 3:17-21