free.

“What does it look like to be truly free?”

 Truly free? Free from what?

Um…well, did you want it alphabetically or in order of importance?

My pride. My fear. My shame. My insecurities. My selfishness. My self-focus. My confusion. My weakness. My perfectionism. My analytical mind…

The list goes on and on and on and on and…well, you get the picture.

Sometimes I catch myself wishing to be free from…well, ME.

Here’s how I’m wired, and I hope someone can relate. I gravitate towards:

Rules.
Lists.
Structure.
Attainable Goals.
Black and White.
Right and Wrong.
Control.
Self-Achievement.  

Now, while the way that I am wired is not necessarily bad… it does open me up to a world of striving and self-berating when I fail to live up to my expectations.

So, it stands to reason that if there is an area of my life that I desperately want freedom, then I want to know the answer to the question:

“What does freedom look like?”

Puleeeeeease hand over the list and the red marker to check the boxes! I want freedom, and you can bet that I’m going to do everything I can to attain to it!

Also, I confess that I crave the feeling of standing on the mountaintop and declaring “Hello, world! I am free!” (while imagining the ways God will use my freedom to inspire others).

(If your arrogance detector didn’t start blinking just now, you might want to get it checked)

Can I be bluntly honest? Freedom is so not what I used to think it was.

See, I thought f-r-e-e-d-o-m

=

(brace yourself)

p-e-r-f-e-c-t-i-o-n.

Put the pieces together: A rule-oriented person striving for a perfect image of freedom from _____.

Does anyone else see a train-wreck coming?

Yeah, me too.

“Come here, child.”

He called me to His embrace. I laid my head on His chest and the waterworks began. Waves of pressure shook my shoulders as I wept in His arms. “I’m just so tired” was all I could say. Reaching the end of myself, I finally let Him hold me tight. His love began seeping through my weary walls of fear and self-protection.

“You’re trying to give Me something that I never asked of you.”

The truth sets me free. The truth is powerful and life giving. The truth compels me to fall to my knees in worship. And in a place of desperation, these are the truths that my striving-oriented soul needs to hear:

Truth #1: He loves me no matter what I do.

My identity is not secured by my performance.

Before I ever step onto the battlefield to gain freedom, I need to know with certainty that I belong to Him, and He loves me. No matter what. When the battle gets ugly and I get covered in mud, I need a safe place to anchor my heart. I am loved. If nothing about me changes, I will still remain loved completely, unconditionally, extravagantly. He loves me because it is who He is! Not because I have attained (or ever will attain) a level of love-ability.  My actions cannot shake my identity. 

Truth #2: The burden of obtaining freedom was never meant to rest on my shoulders.

I will never be able to obtain freedom by mustering my try-harder, do-better, personality

And I was never meant to. The cost of freedom is higher than I could ever pay. Within myself, I do not have the resources and strength to be anything other than a very messy, very broken, very bound human.  The expectations I shackle myself with are riddled with pride and self-effort, and they are death to me.

Truth #3: Freedom from sin is a beautiful, awesome, incredible gift made possible by Jesus Christ alone.

Freedom is possible.

Out of extravagant love for me, God did what I could not do for myself: He set me free. I choose to trust that Jesus won the victory once and for all, and I lay the weight of my hope on His shoulders, free from condemnation and rid of shame. The expectations for self-improvement fall limp at my feet and I can rejoice because I am free.

Hold up.

How can I rejoice in freedom when the chains feel so strong? How can I hold my head up when my face is covered with mud? How can I embrace freedom when I continue to feel bound?

These are the questions I have thrown into the night sky, when the clouds hide the stars and I don’t want to choose life again.

By faith.

“God, I don’t want to keep going. I’m tired. I’m discouraged. I want the very things that I know will hurt me. I don’t even want to be around You right now!”

By faith.

“I hate the way that I feel. I hate the way that I keep falling on my face. I hate the chains.”

By faith.

As long as I continue to look inside myself for the keys to freedom, I will remain captive to the things I am trying to conquer.

In the moments where victory is impossible…

I must know that the strength needed for victory doesn’t depend on me.

I’ve learned a lot about the power of choice in the past few years. I used to view myself as a victim to my feelings, unable to resist the urges to engage in destructive behavior. I remember when I realized for the first time that I was able to choose life when nearly everything in me was screaming death. It was life transforming.

I’m still learning to choose to believe the truth when my feelings disagree vehemently. There are times that I mentally note and blatantly ignore the power of choice. But, the hardest moments are the ones where I know in my head I have a choice…but I lack the power to make it.

3:16pm

I was driving home, my mind swirling with temptation and the various options. I was angry. I didn’t care much about “healthy,” “life-giving,” or “God honoring” solutions to the storm inside of me. I just wanted relief.

Choice.

The word flashed in my mind like a yellow traffic light that one doesn’t intend to heed.

The power of Choice.

The Power of choice.

The Power…

Freedom is real, and freedom is possible, but freedom is not about Me.

In the moments when I can’t get free, I don’t need to try harder, do better, and pull it together.

I need a Savior.

“God! I don’t know the path out right now! I don’t know what to do. I don’t see how freedom is possible. I can’t see my freedom, so I’m lifting my eyes to you. I choose to believe you. I believe that you are God. I believe that you are good. I believe that you are able. I believe that the power of Christ is at work in this fragile moment. I believe that You are Savior. Please, save me!”

This is the far-reaching beauty of the cross.

Jesus sets me free from condemnation in this moment…

…and He sets me free from the power of my sin in this moment.

The combination of freedom is almost more than I can swallow. It is that beautiful.

I am free to not do it perfectly, and I am free to truly experience victory.

Do you understand the weight of that statement? Do you understand how deeply this has refreshed me? Do you understand the reality of freedom?

We cannot suffer defeat if the victory belongs to Him.

When God shows Himself victorious, He really wins.

In the moments when I can’t get free, I am free to throw myself at the feet of grace, and in that place, encounter a Savior who is willing and able to give me the power to choose freedom over and over and over again. There is no formula for freedom, there is only faith in the salvation of my God.

Freedom is not what I thought it would be….It’s greater, deeper, richer, stronger.

Thank you, Jesus.

“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” -John 8:36

-

 “Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.” – Romans 5:1-2

“So then, brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” – Romans 8:12-15

“What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.” – Romans 8:31-34

“For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world except the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?” – 1 John 5:4-5

“His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.” -2 Peter 1:3-4

“And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross. He disarmed the rulers and authorities and put them to open shame, by triumphing over them in him.” -Colossians 2:13-15