the lion.

I've heard that survivors of natural disasters say the event changed them forever. That they will never see life the same way again. That they cannot go back to the way things were before _________ happened.

How could you after experiencing something so incredible? So uncontrollable - So devastatingly powerful?

You would never be the same, right?

I've been pondering the idea that when some things happen to you, you're impacted forever.

Marriage, abuse, childbirth, loss of a loved one, intimate friendships/relationships, a chronic illness or serious injury, financial hardship, wealth, a long distance move, and the list goes on.

It's almost as if we are continually shaped and imprinted by the things we are exposed to. The significant things we experience, good or bad, change us...

Ha.

Maybe it's called growing up and I'm just now figuring it out.

But hold on, with all this shapeshifting going on, who's to determine whether I will be one person today and another entirely tomorrow, if and when a significant change comes into my life?

There has to be something significant working within the varied shaping and imprinting of these life events. Something that is trustworthy, consistent, and powerful enough to wield results in the journey and hold me together until I reach my destination.

This year has been one full of "shaping."

In January, before I had a chance to initiate the 2018 bucket list - (or create the bucket list) - my physical health jumped ship.

For those who know me...I have a thing about being able to have a healthy and functioning body, on my terms and in my own way. I need to be able to do what I need to do without being limited by physical weakness, and I need to be strong and fit while doing it all. Questions? Good. I thought it was simple enough.

I didn't anticipate the flu.

I didn't anticipate the car accident.

I didn't anticipate the longer-than-normal recovery.

I didn't anticipate mystery symptoms and internal medical issues surfacing immediately after the longer-than-normal recovery.

I didn't ask for any of this and I don't want it. 

Having one of my pillars (physical health) shaken this year has given me a dose of grim reality that I didn't have before. See, I thought I could just power through...I thought I could bend my body to my will and force it beyond limits. I thought I just needed a few days to "sleep it off" and I'd be back in my jogging shoes. But that hasn't been my reality.

My reality has been limits that I don't like.

And it's shaped me.

Shaped my expectations, my emotions, my brain function (concussions do that I guess), my body, and my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

I believe God is good. But so much of my interactions with Him this year have been...well, to be honest...
Less than "warm and fuzzy."

I have seen God make life easier for me in the past. I have seen Him open doors and shower unexplainable over-the-top feel good gifts on me. I've had seasons where things just went right. I like those.

I like being a Daddy's girl and just enjoying His affection.

That was harder this year.

Because when I don't feel good physically, I don't feel good in the other areas. Can someone relate?

It's frustrating to try to read the Bible and journal when the pages make one dizzy and nauseated. (There's not a way to paint that with a pretty spiritual brush at 6:30am).

When you feel physically, emotionally, and mentally disconnected, how do you "feel" connected to God?

I want to be real, genuine, authentic, etc... with my Savior. But what if I am authentically just shut down and discouraged? Can he handle that? (Yes. The answer is yes).

My relationship with God waltzed into uncharted territory this year. I didn't anticipate what I experienced from His hand. I didn't anticipate what He allowed. Nor did I anticipate patient silence instead of soothing answers when I poured out my complaints.

"Umm... God. Excuse me. Please, are you there? We've talked about this. I need my health. I need my body to function. I need to go to work. I need to go to the gym. I need my brain...I need to feel something warm and fuzzy from YOU!!!"

I encountered a God I wasn't used to.
The God who says no.
The God whose priorities are there opposite of mine.
The God who doesn't sway His person because my person is having a personal crisis.

My favorite fictional series has always been the Chronicles of Narnia. (If you are not familiar, I highly recommend it).
This past year I've thought often of a quote from The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, where the children are hearing about Aslan, the King, for the first time from one of the local Narnians.

It's all well and good until they put two and two together and realize that Aslan is a TALKING LION - not a human.

The obvious question is blurted out:

Is He safe?

To which comes the reply that has been ringing in my mind as of late:

"Safe? ...Who said anything about safe? Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

Picturing myself as one of those shocked and nervous Pevensie children is about the best way I can think of to describe my interactions with God this year.

"Who said anything about safe?"

I've been forced in many uncomfortable ways to re-examine my expectations about God and how He chooses to care for His children.

At the risk of sounding incredibly callous and pessimistic... I'd like to share something:

God is Not safe the way that you think He is safe.

We typically think of safety as something that is physically tangible and/or comfortable. Neither of those things are promised in Scripture by God. 

He has promised to be with you, and He has promised to be faithful, and He has promised to keep your soul safe through all eternity because you belong to Him.

But through the lens of this physical, tangible world, God is not safe. If you are counting on some sort of a promise that you will never experience physical damage or trial because of Him in your life, you're going to be severely shaken. He actually promises that those "unsafe" things will come.

Now, I know that for many of you this is not new information. It's not new information for me either. People go through tough things, that's normal. What's new for me, is being scary vulnerable with a God who allows it. I'm choosing to entrust my heart to Him, knowing that He knows full well the hard things that have come and will come.

There's something about that that sounds incredibly beautiful, but is incredibly painful and difficult, especially for someone who has experienced betrayal in the past.

To surrender yourself to a God who is so big and so powerful, and yet chooses to stand beside you, to hold you, to wait with you, instead of taking action to prevent the damage when you are suffering.

 That's painful. 

Especially when you have surrendered your heart and chosen to love and be loved by this God.

"Course He isn't safe. But He's good..."

I thought that I had God safely contained in a box. That in His incredible goodness, I understood what He would and would not do and how He would do it. That I could predict Him and trust Him in our relationship, because I really already knew how He was going to act.

I'm not really talking about circumstances either, friends. I'm talking about my relationship with the Creator of the universe. Even when circumstances went haywire I thought that I would be ok, if I had Him. The only problem was that I didn't "have Him" the way that I anticipated. He didn't show up the same way He had in the past. He didn't say that same things or use the same tone like I expected. He wasn't the image I had in my head.

He is good. But He is not safe.

He has not been controllable, tamable, or complying to meet my felt needs.

Now, I would like to be clear that God has not and does not and will not change. What I'm describing is not His spastic personality, but the fact that I had limited Him to a much smaller, tamer version than He is. And, well, my perspective has changed. I know Him in a way I did not before. That sounds lovely, but in reality it's a gritty, difficult, raw, and painful knowing season.

This has been my season of getting to know the Lion. 

"...But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

While this had been a difficult season of getting to know God, there has been a rock solid truth emerging that increases my hope and peace exponentially.

See, we need a Lion for a King.

If we dumb God down to a friendly Grandpa in the sky, He is ill-equipped to handle the ugliness of this world. We actually need a ferocious King who's strength overcomes when darkness attacks.

He is the only thing big enough to shape, to steady, to transform, through the imprinting and shifting of this life. Circumstances will change. I will change. But as long as He alone (not my false expectations) is the source of my hope, there is a steady thread of transformation through every season and life event. He is the common denominator. And because He is the Lion, I want Him to be the one thing working within the varied shaping and imprinting of these life events. Something that is trustworthy, consistent, and powerful enough to wield results in the journey and hold me together until I reach my destination.

I need Him to be for me all that He is and not all that I perceive Him to be. For it is not the image in my head that my soul cries out for, but the living God Himself - untamable, unchangeable, unshakeable. 

I need the Lion.

When He is not what I desire Him to be.
When He does not move the way I wish.
When He withholds the quick fix or the easy out. When He allows the tears to fall.
When He doesn't provide the sign or the opportunity or open the door.

What will I think of Him then? Will I praise Him still? Will I still give Him open access to my heart? Or will the walls go up, afraid to ask, to trust and be disappointed?

This is vulnerability. 

This is what He asks of me.

"Safe? ...Who said anything about safe? Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

rubber & asphalt

I think I need one of those sweatshirts that says,

"I'm sorry, I wasn't ignoring you,

I just got lost in the maze of my mind for a sec."

See, I like to think. A lot.
I'm in my head. A lot.

I enjoy figuring things out, analyzing, problem solving, predicting, calculating, planning, and trying to perfect strategies. It's like a hobby. Kind of.

It can, at times, be disappointing, when I have solved my personal issues, mended humanity's pain, and created world peace while sitting in traffic for 30 minutes....only to arrive at my destination and realize that it only happened in my mind.

Being someone who enjoys (or at least feels compelled) to mental gymnastics, I love the exhilaration that comes when I get that "light bulb" moment. There's something about figuring out a problem or issue that I've been wrestling with that just feels SO good!

Learning a lesson or solution or truth that I desperately need is satisfying and liberating and wonderful!

God knows this about me. In fact, I think He's the one that gave me the "figurer-outer" part of my brain, and it can be a really cool gift! (this blog probably exists because of it)

But there is a downside to that *ahem* gift, that I've been encountering lately. In fact, it might be the theme of my year so far. Are you ready?

Just because I have figured something out does not mean that I can do it perfectly.

I know.

It's been shocking to me too.

I have this tendency to "learn" something and then check it off my list. My brain figured it out, so obviously, we're done and don't need to linger on it any longer. Right?

In case you're wondering, this might work in the field of mathematics, but it doesn't work in the life growth journey thing.

There's this funny contradiction where I find myself in a place where I know I've already learned the lesson, I already know the truth, I've already been around this mountain a hundred times, and I'm still doing it wrong!

In that place, my brain can calculate FAILURE and start packing up the show faster than I can return to the truth (that I already learned) that I don't have to do it perfectly.

This is an exhausting cycle.

I write about it not because I enjoy flaunting my peculiarities, but because I have a hunch that someone can relate to this, and like me, you need a reminder of the truth.

See, God has been teaching me something really freeing.
(You'll notice I have NOT checked the "learned" box yet).

It has to do with the phrase, "the rubber hits the road."

It's that saying that means that the thing you learned a long time ago is about to be tested in real life and you need it to hold up. And, well, let's just say it's been on my mind because I've had lots of opportunities to practice said concept.

In the past, I've placed the emphasis of that saying on the word rubber, as in, the strength and structure of the tires. But God, in His wonderful wisdom and humor, has been shifting my perspective.

See, if I move the emphasis from the word rubber, to the word road, it shifts the tone.

Hang with me. Here's what I mean:

A few seconds ago I wrote:
"It's that saying that means that the thing you learned a long time ago is about to be tested in real life and you need it to hold up."

Now, when I wrote that, my brain emphasized it like this: "It's that saying that means that the thing you learned a long time ago is about to be tested in real life and you need it to hold up."

Where's the emphasis?
"It's on that thing you [should have] [already] [expertly] learned a long time ago.."

With me so far?

Ok, now try it like this:
 "It's that saying that means that the thing you learned a long time ago is about to be tested in real life and you need it to hold up."

Where's the emphasis?
"(the thing you learned) is about to be [stretched] [taxed] [pressured] tested in real [new] [unfamiliar] life and [human] [vulnerable] you need it to hold up [support] [help] [assist] [save]."

 Do you see what I mean?

My tendency is to emphasis my own ability to struggle through something and gain mastery. But that's just not life. That's a lie. My victory has only ever been won by Christ.

So those lessons that I have learned, figured out, and problem solved? They weren't mine in the first place. God gave them to me. And just like He gave them in the first place, He will be faithful to incorporate them into my being as I am transformed into the image of Christ.

The rubber is, and will continue to be in the testing & perfecting stage this side of Heaven. This means that there may be a lot of pit stops along the highway. That's ok. The emphasis is not on performance for a few miles, but on endurance in the journey.

The road is long and ever changing. I will never be in the same place twice, nor will I be the same person around ever bend. This means that the terrain will ever be unfamiliar, and ever be a test for the rubber.

Let me just speak some life for a second to anyone who is struggling for what seems like the umpteenth time with the "same" thing:

-You're not alone! You're actually a part of quite a large group of travelers who feel exhausted and discouraged by the journey at times. There is nothing wrong with you. The disconnect between knowledge and behavior isn't unique to you. You're quite human and that's ok.

-You've never been here before. This is a new stretch of road. I don't care how similar your circumstances or struggles seem to be, you are not the same person you were 3 years ago, or 30 years ago. What you are facing now is new and challenging. You may have learned how to win the last battle, but this one might require additional or different strategies because it's on a different battlefield. Be open to that.

- Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself permission to keep learning and never "check the box." Life is about a journey and a bigger picture. Your idea of "successful victory" might not be realistic, or even what God has in mind. Be kind to yourself when you fall short of your expectations. Besides, I've actually never been able to get up faster by kicking myself while I'm down, and I have a hunch you won't either.

 

The hilarious thing about this blog post, is that these are truths that God has been teaching me for a very long time, and yet I still blunder the practice of them often. So I need the reminder constantly myself! Ironic, huh?

My challenge to you is to ask yourself three questions:

1) what lessons or truths are being tested in my present circumstances?
2) how are my present circumstances different from past circumstances?
and finally,
3) how are the lessons and truths being tested differently in my present circumstances than they have been before?

I promise, if you grab a pen and paper and give yourself adequate time to invite God's input, you won't come up empty...And you might even come away encouraged!

After all, you're miles beyond where you were last time.

 

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."
- Philippians 1:6

 

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.  And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another.For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit."

- 2 Corinthians 3:17-18

 

"For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified."
- Hebrews 10:14

 

"Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen."

-Hebrews 13:20-21

 

room for one (control).

I have a question.

It's been churning in the inner recesses of my heart during the past several months.

What am I supposed to do when I realize that life isn't turning out the way that I thought it would? ...Hoped it would? Planned it would? 

Well, typically a little voice stands up inside and introduces itself as my BFF and lays out the strategy to fix the chaotic situation.

I have a name for this little voice, though it usually takes me a while to recognize it.

See, Control and I are old friends.

Control has comforted me when my world was spinning. Control has given me a to do list when I felt helpless to do anything. Control has fed my self confidence when I felt like a failure. Control has distracted me from deep pain and real danger. Control has blindfolded me to reality, per my invitation.

Yes, Control is an old friend.

The problem is,

Control is a liar. 

Control makes promises that it can't keep, and then blames me for coming up empty handed. Control demands too much of me, all the while chanting that I will fail. Control only consoles me when I refuse to feel pain. Control is far more concerned with protecting itself, than protecting me.

By the time I realize the familiar betrayal, I'm usually sitting in the rubble of my heart, desperately wishing I could undo the consequences.

I'm reminded again that there is only room for One King of my heart. 

There's a King who comforts me when my world is spinning, even if I'm the one who tipped the globe. This King lifts the to-do list from my shoulders and calls me to rest my head on His. This King fills my desperate need for identity and unconditional love, regardless of my failure. This King deals with my deep pain and real danger, head on. This King does not shield me from reality, He meets me in the middle of it.

For a control freak, facing reality head on can be excruciating.

Why? Why is it so hard to open up my hands and let Him be the King? After all, He is a good King. He is much kinder than Control. His expectations are perfect, His demands are not burdensome, and He actually mends and heals my heart instead of ignoring the wounds. Why would it be so hard for me give up Control and let the real King rule?

What holds me back? I'm not entirely sure.

But, I do think that it has to do with Control's neighbor:

Fear

I personally think that Fear is Control's personal trainer.

Fear tells Control that no one will love the real me.

Fear tells Control that the pain will kill me.

Fear tells Control that there is no other option. 

Fear tells Control that I'm all alone. 

Fear tells Control that I will lose everything. 

Fear tells Control that no matter what, I cannot LET GO. 

Why? Well, because Fear is afraid. It just can't help itself. 

Fear isn't such bad company to have around, except when Fear starts bossing around Control. That's when I get in trouble. 

See, the only One who should be allowed to boss around Control in my heart is Jesus. Otherwise this whole parade of abundant life comes to a screeching halt. 

Welcome to my messy heart. 

In the rubble, I have made a discovery:

Control doesn't permit an imperfect reality, because Fear is afraid the reality will slay me. 

I tip my hat to them both, because in a way, they're right. 

I am weak, helpless, fragile, vulnerable, wounded, flawed...I mean, c'mon, what chance do I have in a world of harsh reality??? To have even the hint of a pure and tender heart, that is open to love and be loved, would be to invite destruction.

What other choice do I have, but to cling to Control and cave to Fear?

Most of us have a default setting when the pressure builds. Fear and Control are my default settings...I don't know what yours are. But I've noticed that most human defaults sound something like this: "I've got this, God! I don't need You to step in, thanks!" 

But God never asked us to pull it together and brave it alone...in fact, there's a name for that and it starts with the letter P-R-I-D-E. Actually, like most of the things He asks of us, His command is counter-intuitive. 

It's faith. 

He calls me to trust Him, when it's the last thing I want to do. 

"I know what I'm doing, Joanna."

"But nothing about this feels OK! This isn't what I wanted! You're doing it wrong!"

I can't change my reality, I can only respond to it. (And for the record, control and denial are NOT legitimate responses.) I've worn myself ragged trying to do both simultaneously. True to form, that's landed me no where good. It's only when I stop kicking and screaming about it that I can embark on a journey to accept it...and then move through it to the other side. 

"I miss You."

It was as if I woke up suddenly and realized I had fallen asleep in the wrong home. I looked around, and my heart broke. Not sure when or how I ended up here, all I knew is I wanted out. This was all too familiar. I was curled up in the fetal position, Fear held me tight while Control paced by the door.

"I miss You."

What am I supposed to do when I realize that life isn't turning out the way that I thought it would? Hoped it would? Planned it would? 

"Look at Me."

It's not what I expected to hear. It's not what I would have prescribed. But it was exactly what this messy heart needed to hear.

"You can't see what I see, so instead of looking at the storm, I want you to Look at Me."

I can choose to tighten my grip, or, I can open my hands and release my ideal. 

I have to decide what I want more than anything else. I have to decide if my desire for Control is worth missing out on the beauty of sweet friendship with my Savior. I have to choose who will Captain my soul when the waves get choppy. 

I have to decide what matters most to me..and today, I choose Him. 

Open my hands, Abba. 

Take the Control; Speak to my Fear. 

I want You.

After all, there is only room for One King in my heart. 

"He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together."

-Colossians 1:15-17

"Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.”

-John 6:68-67

"He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”

-Matthew 14:29-31

"I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might that he worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come. And he put all things under his feet and gave him as head over all things to the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills all in all."

-Ephesians 1:16-23