room for one (control).

I have a question.

It's been churning in the inner recesses of my heart during the past several months.

What am I supposed to do when I realize that life isn't turning out the way that I thought it would? ...Hoped it would? Planned it would? 

Well, typically a little voice stands up inside and introduces itself as my BFF and lays out the strategy to fix the chaotic situation.

I have a name for this little voice, though it usually takes me a while to recognize it.

See, Control and I are old friends.

Control has comforted me when my world was spinning. Control has given me a to do list when I felt helpless to do anything. Control has fed my self confidence when I felt like a failure. Control has distracted me from deep pain and real danger. Control has blindfolded me to reality, per my invitation.

Yes, Control is an old friend.

The problem is,

Control is a liar. 

Control makes promises that it can't keep, and then blames me for coming up empty handed. Control demands too much of me, all the while chanting that I will fail. Control only consoles me when I refuse to feel pain. Control is far more concerned with protecting itself, than protecting me.

By the time I realize the familiar betrayal, I'm usually sitting in the rubble of my heart, desperately wishing I could undo the consequences.

I'm reminded again that there is only room for One King of my heart. 

There's a King who comforts me when my world is spinning, even if I'm the one who tipped the globe. This King lifts the to-do list from my shoulders and calls me to rest my head on His. This King fills my desperate need for identity and unconditional love, regardless of my failure. This King deals with my deep pain and real danger, head on. This King does not shield me from reality, He meets me in the middle of it.

For a control freak, facing reality head on can be excruciating.

Why? Why is it so hard to open up my hands and let Him be the King? After all, He is a good King. He is much kinder than Control. His expectations are perfect, His demands are not burdensome, and He actually mends and heals my heart instead of ignoring the wounds. Why would it be so hard for me give up Control and let the real King rule?

What holds me back? I'm not entirely sure.

But, I do think that it has to do with Control's neighbor:

Fear

I personally think that Fear is Control's personal trainer.

Fear tells Control that no one will love the real me.

Fear tells Control that the pain will kill me.

Fear tells Control that there is no other option. 

Fear tells Control that I'm all alone. 

Fear tells Control that I will lose everything. 

Fear tells Control that no matter what, I cannot LET GO. 

Why? Well, because Fear is afraid. It just can't help itself. 

Fear isn't such bad company to have around, except when Fear starts bossing around Control. That's when I get in trouble. 

See, the only One who should be allowed to boss around Control in my heart is Jesus. Otherwise this whole parade of abundant life comes to a screeching halt. 

Welcome to my messy heart. 

In the rubble, I have made a discovery:

Control doesn't permit an imperfect reality, because Fear is afraid the reality will slay me. 

I tip my hat to them both, because in a way, they're right. 

I am weak, helpless, fragile, vulnerable, wounded, flawed...I mean, c'mon, what chance do I have in a world of harsh reality??? To have even the hint of a pure and tender heart, that is open to love and be loved, would be to invite destruction.

What other choice do I have, but to cling to Control and cave to Fear?

Most of us have a default setting when the pressure builds. Fear and Control are my default settings...I don't know what yours are. But I've noticed that most human defaults sound something like this: "I've got this, God! I don't need You to step in, thanks!" 

But God never asked us to pull it together and brave it alone...in fact, there's a name for that and it starts with the letter P-R-I-D-E. Actually, like most of the things He asks of us, His command is counter-intuitive. 

It's faith. 

He calls me to trust Him, when it's the last thing I want to do. 

"I know what I'm doing, Joanna."

"But nothing about this feels OK! This isn't what I wanted! You're doing it wrong!"

I can't change my reality, I can only respond to it. (And for the record, control and denial are NOT legitimate responses.) I've worn myself ragged trying to do both simultaneously. True to form, that's landed me no where good. It's only when I stop kicking and screaming about it that I can embark on a journey to accept it...and then move through it to the other side. 

"I miss You."

It was as if I woke up suddenly and realized I had fallen asleep in the wrong home. I looked around, and my heart broke. Not sure when or how I ended up here, all I knew is I wanted out. This was all too familiar. I was curled up in the fetal position, Fear held me tight while Control paced by the door.

"I miss You."

What am I supposed to do when I realize that life isn't turning out the way that I thought it would? Hoped it would? Planned it would? 

"Look at Me."

It's not what I expected to hear. It's not what I would have prescribed. But it was exactly what this messy heart needed to hear.

"You can't see what I see, so instead of looking at the storm, I want you to Look at Me."

I can choose to tighten my grip, or, I can open my hands and release my ideal. 

I have to decide what I want more than anything else. I have to decide if my desire for Control is worth missing out on the beauty of sweet friendship with my Savior. I have to choose who will Captain my soul when the waves get choppy. 

I have to decide what matters most to me..and today, I choose Him. 

Open my hands, Abba. 

Take the Control; Speak to my Fear. 

I want You.

After all, there is only room for One King in my heart. 

"He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together."

-Colossians 1:15-17

"Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.”

-John 6:68-67

"He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”

-Matthew 14:29-31

"I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might that he worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come. And he put all things under his feet and gave him as head over all things to the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills all in all."

-Ephesians 1:16-23