waking up.

 I've been chipping away at writing this for several weeks. I've questioned whether or not I should share the following, but I was reminded this week of how important it is to know that we are not alone. So that's why I'm writing... in the hopes that this will encourage someone who can relate to the journey I have been on. Much love, Jo

As many of you already know, I am recovering from a broken leg. I had an appointment with my doctor and we discussed my pain level. It's been hurting more the past several days and I wanted to know why. "I feel like my leg is waking up. I'm feeling more." The doctor explained that it may be that I am experiencing the healing of the nerves in my leg, which were damaged in the break and the surgery. "When those nerve endings start to heal it can actually become more painful as they "wake up, even though it's a good thing."

I haven't been able to stop thinking about this since the appointment. It seems to be a picture of my life this year. I feel like I am waking up from so much that has fractured. 

I started the year preparing for a series of Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT} to address my longstanding struggle with my mental health. I put a lot of expectations on that treatment and how it was going to help me. Unfortunately, ECT was not effective for me and the side effects left me with serious short-term memory loss and cognitive dysfunction. I don't remember most of the months of February, March, and April. My struggle with cognitive functioning only made my depression worse and I had multiple hospitalizations in the following months. 

On top of that, for a while, I was overmedicated and prescribed meds that had significant negative side effects. 

I feel like someone scrambled my brain. In the past several months I have not felt like myself. I have not acted like myself. I look at my text messages, pictures, and emails and I don't recognize conversations I had. I don't recognize people that I met or hung out with during the past few months. 

It's such an unnerving feeling and difficult to explain. 

Some of the side effects of one medication were tremors, muscle weakness, and loss of balance. As a result of these, I was falling often. During my most recent fall, I dislocated and fractured my ankle and broke my leg in multiple places. I had to have surgery and it's been a tough recovery.

As I regain my mental coordination, I have to heal from my physical injury, which means I can't do anything weight-bearing for eight weeks.

So here I am, trying to pick up the pieces from this year as my cognition returns and my body heals. 

My life is suddenly very simple, as most of my time is spent in bed and I'm surviving mainly off of protein shakes and fruit snacks, oh - and pain meds. I haven't worn makeup in weeks, and my hair is so greasy I think it could stand up straight on its own. Sometimes my biggest accomplishment from the day is brushing my teeth. 

It's given me a lot of time to think. 

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And to ask "Where is God in all of this?" 

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I felt as if He is a million miles away for a long time. I have questioned what's my fault and what's His. I know much of what has happened was a natural consequence of my choices, or simply from having a body and brain that need healing. Why? I didn't ask for this. And I have fought so hard to gain freedom from my struggle with depression. I keep asking myself Why did everything happen the way that it did? It's not fair. This was going to be the year for healing! I was going to start running again, celebrate recovery, and find renewed purpose to love and be loved by the people I am privileged to have in my life. 

This year has challenged me more than I have ever experienced.

I wish I could say that I have endured with hope, courage, and faithfulness. But it's really only been about 50/50. Half the time I have been fighting for my healing and half the time I have been fighting to throw the towel in. 

I'm on crutches now. I graduated from the wheelchair. My arms are getting stronger as I rely on them for my mobility. I've always had better lower body strength. And this year I had plans for my legs to get stronger. But instead, it's my upper body that is gaining muscle. It feels like another picture of what is happening in my life and in my heart. I'm getting stronger, but not in the ways I had intended.

I have spent a lot of time with my family and it has been a gift. (Shout out to them for being my caregivers and feeding me and carrying my pillows from the bed to the couch every day)! Words can't express how thankful I am. 

I've been forced to slow down and appreciate the mundane, like a restful night, a shower, and a card game with friends. 

I'm thankful to have my cognition back and to be able to remember things again. To feel like myself.

To be "waking up" in my heart and in my relationship with a good God that has been faithful through all of it. Even though it's messy and uncomfortable and emotional. 

I didn't choose this journey. I didn't choose to struggle with my mental health or to break my leg fantastically. I didn't choose to feel distant in my relationship with God this year. But I am learning to accept that this is part of my story - His story. I know that there will be people that don't understand. That's ok. 

I'm writing this for those of you that have found yourself on a journey you didn't choose, or in a season you didn't want. Maybe you thought you would become strong in one way, and find yourself strengthening muscles you didn't know you had. Maybe the battle has stolen so much from you that you no longer feel like yourself. I see you. I'm here for you. You are not alone. 

Breaking my leg has been a terrible experience. But I'm also thankful for it because it's been restoring my soul. While I did not see God at work at the moment, looking back I see how He carried, cherished, and protected me. And as I lay in bed, elevating my leg, He is here with me now. 

Maybe this is the year for healing. Maybe it's just not what I expected (or how I expected). 

Maybe your healing isn't what you expected either.

Hang in there. It's still beautiful, friend.