fruitful.

Trigger warning: Content related to depression and suicide. 

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I woke up this morning, made a cup of coffee, and started scrawling in my journal. I cherish these moments of quiet when I get to pour out my heart on a page meant only for the eyes of my Creator, Sustainer, and Friend. 

After settling in and sharing some scattered thoughts, I found myself writing these words:

"I have a very full life...I'm glad to be alive."

It leapt off my pen and onto the page as if I had nonchalantly written down what I had eaten for breakfast or what TV show I had watched last night. No big deal, right?
But, it is a big deal. It's a really big deal to me. 

Several years ago I would not have been able to write those words, let alone mean them. I was in the middle of a season of deep, suffocating darkness. As I wrote those words in my journal earlier today I realized that God has led me into the light again. I won't pretend to have all the answers, and I know that everyone's story of depression and/or the risk of suicide is unique. But, there are a few things I want to share from my experience.

I know what it's like to be held in the clutches of despair, wishing that the darkness would envelop me into nothingness and the pain would cease to exist. I know what it's like for every breath to hurt. For every moment to feel like an eternity. I know what it's like to make a plan and decide to end it all. I know what it's like to wake up in the hospital and get angry...so, so angry, because I am still alive and have to face yet another tomorrow. 

In the depths of my darkest hours, I begged God for a reason to keep going. For some semblance of hope. For something solid to grab ahold of while the floor was disintegrating under my feet. Days, weeks, months, and years of trying countless medications and therapy sessions, hospitals, and treatment centers. Desperate prayers in the middle of the night. 

All the coping skills and validation and processing meant nothing when I felt no hope. I needed a why. A reason to stay. A reason to be alive that was bigger than my pain. If there is no hope, there is no reason not to jump ship when the storm rages. Life hurts! Sometimes it hurts so bad it doesn't feel like it's worth living. And sometimes no matter how hard you work, it doesn't feel better. There has to be a why. A reason. A lighthouse to steer toward in the storm. 

To be honest, I never had a moment where the light flipped on and suddenly everything made sense. 

For me, hope came softly.

It was like a whisper in the dark or a gentle breeze on a scorching day. My problems did not go away and my feelings did not shift overnight. But I found something to hold onto amid the darkness.

"I'm not finished with you yet, Joanna."

Approximately 150,000 people die every day on earth. Tomorrow is not promised. I know this. But despite my best efforts, I am still alive. 

I have come to believe that there is a reason, a why, for the fact that I am still here when I should have been dead a long time ago. 

 When I look at the world, it's easy to believe that there is no meaning in life. That we are all here as a result of a random accident, stumbling in the dark. There is so much senseless pain and suffering and evil. When I look at the world it's easy to come to the conclusion that my best option is to seek out as much pleasure as possible during my short life because nothing else seems to matter.  

But when I lift my eyes, I see a different story. 

If I really believe that God is real (and I do), then life takes on a new meaning. The message of the Gospel is that God saw the state of humanity and had compassion. He stepped in to save the world from this hampster wheel of bitter survival. And because I have put my faith in Jesus, I have been adopted into His family. I have been transferred from the land of despair to the kingdom of redemption. 

God has given my life purpose, with real value and real meaning. 

I am here because the world is desperate for hope, and because of Jesus, I am carrying hope in my spirit. The pain, suffering, and evil are not the end of the story. This hope that I carry is meant to be shared. 

There is fruitful work for me to do in my time left on earth. I find it in the pages of my well worn Bible: 

To love others with the love of Christ,
to share the joy of knowing Jesus
to change and grow into the person God intended me to be,
to pray fervently for the salvation and the redemption of others,
to get to know my Heavenly Father better,
to share the exciting news of a life worth living.

And the very best news is that I am not called to do any of this on my own. God is with me and for me and His goodness overwhelms me. I have His affection on the hardest days and His grace for my deepest shame.  He is the one who changes hearts, heals wounds, and brings about growth. He is worthy of my everything. And He welcomes my messy life, poured out at His feet and for His glory. 

There are days I still wish I could skip the hard parts and just scan my boarding pass to Heaven immediately. But it would be a loss for me to leave when there is still so much for me to do and to experience. 

I don't dread waking up to a new day, anymore. I imagine that there will be days in my future that I will struggle to face tomorrow. But for now, I am just so very glad to be alive. 

I didn't think I would ever feel the sun on my skin again, but here I am and it feels so good. 

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Note: If you or someone that you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, don't hesitate to reach out for help. There were so many resources to strengthen you to keep going when you want to quit and you do not need to suffer alone. There is hope! If you need immediate help please call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room. If you need someone to talk to, call 988, the national help-line. You are also invited to send me a personal message. You are not alone and yes, it can get better!

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me." -Philippians 1:22-26

"I was pushed hard, so that I was falling, but the LORD helped me. The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation." - Psalm 118:13-14

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 3:12-14

"I shall not die, but I shall live, and recount the deeds of the LORD. The LORD has disciplined me severely, but he has not given me over to death." - Psalm 118:17-18

"The cords of death encompassed me;

    the torrents of destruction assailed me;

the cords of Sheol entangled me;

    the snares of death confronted me.

In my distress I called upon the Lord;

    to my God I cried for help.

From his temple he heard my voice,

    and my cry to him reached his ears."
-all of Psalm 18

the most beautiful thing.

When one comes to the absolute end of themselves there is an unspeakable impact on one's soul.

It leaves a mark. A permanent, deep, profound, and often painful mark.

This is the place where in one single moment, darkness seeps in while the light brings blinding clarity. I have come to know this place over the years. It's become a familiar stop along the path as I make my journey towards wholeness.

I have been made aware, again, that I am not the person that I want to be.

No amount of wrestling, pushing, and grasping at my "perfect" image of self will gain me a single inch toward my goal. 

The truth is, I have spent my entire life running from this place of clarity. Running from the reality of who I am. The parts of me that hide in the shadows. The parts of me that nobody knows because they are buried in a facade of self-sufficiency. The parts of me that I never want you to see because if you saw – truly saw, you would (rightfully) turn and walk away in either disgust or fear.

During the past several years, I have come to realize new depths to my brokenness. I have come to the end of myself in ways I never dreamed possible. God only knows my desperate capacity to fall apart. And not to just fall apart, but to stay shattered in that hopeless place. To set up camp and to dwell there indefinitely. To sit in the ashes and dust unable to think, feel, or move. 

Sometimes I feel like a broken record to those around me when I share about my inadequacy. This isn’t the first time I have tried to put words to my flawed experience. But I’m not sharing this in an attempt for reassurance, pity, or judgment.

Here is what I want you to hear when I tell you my story:

At the end of myself, I discover the most beautiful thing. Something so wonderful, so brilliant, so breathtaking, that I struggle to assign words to it.

In the depths of this desperate state, there is Someone that sees me completely and loves me unconditionally.

In my shame, I find myself pursued and ultimately rescued by a furious, limitless, life-changing love.

God meets me.

Again and again and again.

I don’t need to be reassured that I am a good person. I don’t need to be told that my flaws are “not that bad.” I don’t need to be convinced that those broken parts of me do not exist. It doesn’t help. It only fuels my efforts to cover up and hide the complete picture of who I am.

Do you know what I need? I need to know that there is an infinitely good Being that is intimately aware of everything about me. Every detail. Every crack. Every festering wound. Every lie I believe about myself and the world around me.

To be known. Truly and deeply known AND loved.

This. This is what I need.

God never intended for me to live my life in the shadows of shame and despair. I was designed with incredible intentionality and purpose. I am not an accident or a mistake. I was created to be a masterpiece. But I am flawed.

God’s intention for humanity was not to condemn us in our imperfect (and often ugly) states. God’s intention has always been to bring us into the fullness of His incredible image, for His great glory.

He would not be a good God if He chose to look the other way in the face of depravity. He cannot and should not ignore the ugliness that humanity brings to the table again and again and again. In His justice, He must address what is wrong with us. And so, He did what we could never do. He became intimately acquainted with our humanity to solve our impossible dilemma.

Jesus paid the ultimate price that we accrued in our brokenness and sin.

So when I say that I am known intimately and loved unconditionally, it is not because the weight of my brokenness (intentional and unintentional sin) doesn’t matter. It is because Jesus already carried the burden that was too heavy for me.

I am free from Shame.

I cannot change the love that God has for me. He will never love me more or less than He does right now. When He looks at me, He sees the perfection of Jesus. He sees me as His beloved child.

No other human will ever fully know me, it’s impossible. But there will always be a God who fully knows me. And the most beautiful thing is that He loves me beyond what I can imagine.

There is a freedom, a peace, a joy, a safety (and so much more) found in the arms of Jesus.

And so, I discover again that the end of myself is not at all a hopeless place. It is where my desperate soul is met with the power of unconditional love. And I will become whole. Not because I have all the missing pieces, but because God meets my inadequacies with the fullness of Himself. I could never be the best version of myself without Him because I was designed to be enveloped in His incredible, perfect, life-giving reality.

I can let go of the fight to be good enough and rest in love - free from the shame, the despair, and the shadows.

Isn’t that the most beautiful thing?

It takes my breath away.

 Maybe you too know what it feels like to come face to face with your desperate capacity to fall apart. To miss the mark. To fail to be the person you want to be. 
Maybe you have never "hit rock bottom" or "come to the end" of yourself.
Either way, if you live with a nagging sense of shame and despair because of the parts of yourself you keep hidden in the shadows, I want you to know that there is an antidote. 

Lose the shame, it's killing you.
Be met by unconditional love and grace.
Come running into the arms of Jesus. 

To be found in this place, at the end of oneself, fully known and loved.

...It really is the most beautiful thing. 

"The One who knows me best

Is the One who loves me most"

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"For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life. Indeed, God did not send the Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him".

John 3:16-17

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God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

Ephesians 2:8-10

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 "Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen."

Ephesians 3:17-21