fruitful.

Trigger warning: Content related to depression and suicide. 

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I woke up this morning, made a cup of coffee, and started scrawling in my journal. I cherish these moments of quiet when I get to pour out my heart on a page meant only for the eyes of my Creator, Sustainer, and Friend. 

After settling in and sharing some scattered thoughts, I found myself writing these words:

"I have a very full life...I'm glad to be alive."

It leapt off my pen and onto the page as if I had nonchalantly written down what I had eaten for breakfast or what TV show I had watched last night. No big deal, right?
But, it is a big deal. It's a really big deal to me. 

Several years ago I would not have been able to write those words, let alone mean them. I was in the middle of a season of deep, suffocating darkness. As I wrote those words in my journal earlier today I realized that God has led me into the light again. I won't pretend to have all the answers, and I know that everyone's story of depression and/or the risk of suicide is unique. But, there are a few things I want to share from my experience.

I know what it's like to be held in the clutches of despair, wishing that the darkness would envelop me into nothingness and the pain would cease to exist. I know what it's like for every breath to hurt. For every moment to feel like an eternity. I know what it's like to make a plan and decide to end it all. I know what it's like to wake up in the hospital and get angry...so, so angry, because I am still alive and have to face yet another tomorrow. 

In the depths of my darkest hours, I begged God for a reason to keep going. For some semblance of hope. For something solid to grab ahold of while the floor was disintegrating under my feet. Days, weeks, months, and years of trying countless medications and therapy sessions, hospitals, and treatment centers. Desperate prayers in the middle of the night. 

All the coping skills and validation and processing meant nothing when I felt no hope. I needed a why. A reason to stay. A reason to be alive that was bigger than my pain. If there is no hope, there is no reason not to jump ship when the storm rages. Life hurts! Sometimes it hurts so bad it doesn't feel like it's worth living. And sometimes no matter how hard you work, it doesn't feel better. There has to be a why. A reason. A lighthouse to steer toward in the storm. 

To be honest, I never had a moment where the light flipped on and suddenly everything made sense. 

For me, hope came softly.

It was like a whisper in the dark or a gentle breeze on a scorching day. My problems did not go away and my feelings did not shift overnight. But I found something to hold onto amid the darkness.

"I'm not finished with you yet, Joanna."

Approximately 150,000 people die every day on earth. Tomorrow is not promised. I know this. But despite my best efforts, I am still alive. 

I have come to believe that there is a reason, a why, for the fact that I am still here when I should have been dead a long time ago. 

 When I look at the world, it's easy to believe that there is no meaning in life. That we are all here as a result of a random accident, stumbling in the dark. There is so much senseless pain and suffering and evil. When I look at the world it's easy to come to the conclusion that my best option is to seek out as much pleasure as possible during my short life because nothing else seems to matter.  

But when I lift my eyes, I see a different story. 

If I really believe that God is real (and I do), then life takes on a new meaning. The message of the Gospel is that God saw the state of humanity and had compassion. He stepped in to save the world from this hampster wheel of bitter survival. And because I have put my faith in Jesus, I have been adopted into His family. I have been transferred from the land of despair to the kingdom of redemption. 

God has given my life purpose, with real value and real meaning. 

I am here because the world is desperate for hope, and because of Jesus, I am carrying hope in my spirit. The pain, suffering, and evil are not the end of the story. This hope that I carry is meant to be shared. 

There is fruitful work for me to do in my time left on earth. I find it in the pages of my well worn Bible: 

To love others with the love of Christ,
to share the joy of knowing Jesus
to change and grow into the person God intended me to be,
to pray fervently for the salvation and the redemption of others,
to get to know my Heavenly Father better,
to share the exciting news of a life worth living.

And the very best news is that I am not called to do any of this on my own. God is with me and for me and His goodness overwhelms me. I have His affection on the hardest days and His grace for my deepest shame.  He is the one who changes hearts, heals wounds, and brings about growth. He is worthy of my everything. And He welcomes my messy life, poured out at His feet and for His glory. 

There are days I still wish I could skip the hard parts and just scan my boarding pass to Heaven immediately. But it would be a loss for me to leave when there is still so much for me to do and to experience. 

I don't dread waking up to a new day, anymore. I imagine that there will be days in my future that I will struggle to face tomorrow. But for now, I am just so very glad to be alive. 

I didn't think I would ever feel the sun on my skin again, but here I am and it feels so good. 

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Note: If you or someone that you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, don't hesitate to reach out for help. There were so many resources to strengthen you to keep going when you want to quit and you do not need to suffer alone. There is hope! If you need immediate help please call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room. If you need someone to talk to, call 988, the national help-line. You are also invited to send me a personal message. You are not alone and yes, it can get better!

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me." -Philippians 1:22-26

"I was pushed hard, so that I was falling, but the LORD helped me. The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation." - Psalm 118:13-14

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 3:12-14

"I shall not die, but I shall live, and recount the deeds of the LORD. The LORD has disciplined me severely, but he has not given me over to death." - Psalm 118:17-18

"The cords of death encompassed me;

    the torrents of destruction assailed me;

the cords of Sheol entangled me;

    the snares of death confronted me.

In my distress I called upon the Lord;

    to my God I cried for help.

From his temple he heard my voice,

    and my cry to him reached his ears."
-all of Psalm 18