too real.

The struggle is real. 

It amazes me how often I hear this phrase in one day. At work. At home. In my mind. From my own lips.

I try to tie my shoes and get tangled in the laces. The struggle is real.

I try to juggle far too many grocery bags while opening the front door. The struggle is real.

I can't open the pickle jar. The struggle is real.

But, this seemingly light and insignificant phrase has been ringing in the corridors of my busy mind lately. And you want to know something? It isn't always as comical as impossible pickle jars and tangled shoelaces.

Sometimes the struggle is too real. 

Can we be too real?

I want to be real. I want to be genuine. I want to be authentic.

That sounds so nice.

I bet you would say the same.

Be yourself. Be honest. Don't hide the pain. Open up. Be vulnerable.

I mean, c'mon, denial, minimizing, unhealthy coping, self deception...these are not favorable attributes.

I'm learning how to be real with God. Ugly, snotty, angry, broken, weak...etc.
But when I am sobbing on the floor, allowing the real me to be exposed...Then what? 

What happens after I'm real?

"Joanna, look at me."

If maintaining eye contact with my shoes was possible, I was well on my way to becoming a champ at sneaker etiquette.

"I need you to be honest."

An avalanche threatened to crash inside my chest. I clenched my jaw so that a quick flinch would be the only thing that escaped to the outside of me. 

You would think the pressure from the command combined with the pressure within would be enough to break down my resolve. But to my own surprise, the walls refused to cave.

This one thought singed the back of my mind: 
If you knew what was going on inside of me, you wouldn't tell me to be honest. 

One day I woke up and the struggle wasn't just "real." It was hideously ugly, and too massive to hide.

In the horror of my exposure, I discovered something:

Being real doesn't fix anything.

Not. one. ugly. problem. 

In fact, being honest has consistently made things uglier for me.

Well, thank you, Joanna, that was encouraging. 

Uh huh. I feel your pain.

 "Fine. You want the truth? I hate this! I wish it was different. Maybe I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. And I hate it. I have tried to change and failed over and over again and I just don't care anymore. I'm too tired. I'm sick of facing this. So what am I supposed to do now? Huh? You have all the answers, right?" 

Silence.

What a sick joke.

Sinking to the floor I held out empty hands. 

"I don't have anything left, God. I just don't have anything left."

This is too real. 

The world is crying out for people to be honest and real about the ugly. But "being real" only took me down a dead-end road where I found that my worst fear was true, and I was hopeless. 
 
It was there, in the land of "too real" that I found the purpose of "being real"...Are you ready?

Honesty pulls the plug on my illusion of strength. 

 In my ugly mess, I find myself stripped of every option and solution my brilliantly confused mind has conjured up.

This is a beautiful place.

Why?

It's not because real is beautiful.

It's because that's where I learn that beautiful comes from Him, not me.

Be real, my friend.

Be ugly, gut-wrenching, tear-streaming, real.

But, once you get to the deep pit called real...don't despair there.

Your struggle might be too real for you, but it's not too real for God. 

More than your no-make-up Monday, more than your sweaty gym shorts, more than your broken marriage and your wounded past. More than the struggle is real,

God is real.

His very real feet walked the turf of our very real world. His very real hands touched the filthiest beggar and the ugliest sinner. His very real blood dripped down a very real cross. 

If anyone is real, He is real.

I know that you are not interested in a God who is uninvolved, uninformed, and untrustworthy.

I'm not either.

I'm not a fake person, ok? I don't do fake. Inconsistency when it comes to hardcore life issues irritates me (my sock drawer is another story, don't judge).

Yes, I read my Bible and I pray and pretty much all the music I listen to has something to do with Jesus. But, can I be honest with you? 
Most of the time my conversations with God are not sweet and angelic. I often read things in my Bible that bug me, confuse me, or sound stupid to me. I have a million questions and I trust God very little in comparison to how much I wish I trusted Him.

But I continue to pursue Him because I am desperate for something real. I am desperate for hope. I am desperate for purpose that is beyond a few short years of the mundane on this earth. I crave a real God.

Leading. Guiding. Instructing. Comforting. Helping. Supporting. Training. Encouraging. Counseling. Rescuing. Revealing. Interacting. Speaking. Loving. Pursuing. Transforming. Longing. Touching. Listening.

This is who He is.

I walked through the kitchen and felt a presence over my shoulder. A whisper in my heart saying "this is the way, walk in it."

I told Him I was terrified and felt His touch calm my heart, "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. I will counsel you with my eye upon you."

I handed a cup of coffee to a woman at the drive-through window last week who said her mother was dying, and my eyes stung with tears. "I'm making you like me," He said, and I felt His heartbeat. 

I want you to know Him. I can't express to you how badly I want you to know Him. 

I can talk and type until I'm blue in the face. You are the only one who can choose to believe Him when He says that He is real and that He is everything He claims to be.

Did you hear me?

You will never know how real He can be until you let your walls down and let Him in. 

It's time to get out of your own way. It's time to quit.

Quit trying to make your reality feel less real. Quit trying to put a bandaid on a real gushing wound. Quit pretending that you can fix a problem that you have no real hope of fixing. Quit fighting Him.

He is real.

This is my challenge for you:

In this struggle called life, don't just get real.

Get real with Him. 

Pick up a Bible. Ask the tough questions. Invite Him to show Himself to you.

And if that freaks you out, join the ranks! It is a terrifying thing to turn and face a real God.

Do it afraid. 

You might not like what He has to say.

Listen anyway.

You might not like the pain that comes with the restoration He wants to do inside of you.

Don't run.

Be brave enough to face up to your real, even if it's real ugly.
And then, take it one step further...

Ask Him to be real to you there.

I dare you.

.



It's worth it.

Did I mention that it's worth it?

To experience Him as real is so worth it.

extraordinary.

I'm not a fan of the ordinary.

I'm just not.

In fact, while I've been mulling over sitting down to write this post, I've been considering how much I loathe the ordinary and it has put me in a rather unpleasant mood.

I'm a dreamer, an idealist, an extremist.

What a terrible disappointment to live in a world that functions on the wave link of reality.

In the pictures of my mind, life is full of wonder, passion, and inspiration. I have this burning inside of me to live for the miraculous and the extraordinary. This is who I am.

Unfortunately, sometimes the Dreamer Joanna bumps into the Out-of-Clean-Laundry Joanna in the hallway of my life and knocks all loveliness out of my hands, creating a monumental, disorganized mess all over the floor.

Ugh.

Life is full of the ordinary.

Can I confess something embarrassing? I feel like I do far better handling the "significant" issues of life than I do the simplest, everyday tasks.

You know, the life maintenance type stuff:
Food, water, sleep, exercise, organization, cleanliness...etc.

These things are just plain boring to me.

Sometimes I pitch a fit about the difficulty of being disciplined in such "stupid, unimportant, time consuming...etc" areas of life.

Super mature, I know.

Sometimes I give up and attempt blissful ignorance as those areas fall by the wayside (cue the "out-of-clean-laundry" incident).

Super smart, I know.

Running from the ordinary hasn't served me well. So, I've decided to do an about-face and look my longstanding foe in the eye.

"Hello, ordinary. Nice to see you again. How's your family? Nice weather we've been having, although it's a little too cold for my taste."

Now, are you ready for the ugly?

This is what I discovered when I looked honestly at my hatred for good ol' ordinary:

I hate it, because...I want to be extraordinary. And I'm not. 

I'm a 100% organic, home grown, ordinary human.

I find myself broken, needy, and weak when I long to be mended, sufficient, and strong. I find myself dull and boring in the moments I want to be spectacular and exciting.

So on an ordinary morning, in an ordinary apartment, this ordinary girl sat down to have a chat with the One who cares about her not so ordinary desires.

Hey Abba,

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning... To be 100% honest, I don't really want to be talking to you right now. Would you bring me back to your feet and reveal yourself to me? I've been getting bored with you. I know I shouldn't! You are limitless.

Why is it so hard to just be? 

...I want to be acceptable to you...I want you to be pleased with me. 

...I'm disappointed with myself...I feel like I've been trying so hard...and I still don't know how to navigate life."

When all the words, and a few tears, had spilled on the pages of my journal, I sat in the stillness and I heard Him.

"Joanna, I need you to let me be God."

Ugh. Nailed it.

"God, I feel like I have all this pressure to make my life look a certain way right now!"

"Well, is it working?"

"No."

Point made. 

This week I received an invitation from God to hang up my "extraordinary" cape and exchange it for the freedom to just be me.

Later that very same day, up to my elbows in some very ordinary soap suds and dishes, I was frustrated with myself. Why? Because as much as I want to be content with the mundane, I'm not! I don't like it. I crave something more.
The internal conflict was so irritating, that I finally put words to it and directed it at Mr. "Let-me-be-God-and-you-can-just-be-you" Himself.

"If I'm so ordinary, and life is so ordinary, then WHY did You make me like this? Why do I have such a powerful desire for more?"

He is so gentle.

"Baby girl, your longing for the extraordinary is not bad."

Wait, what?

"...In fact, I put that inside of you. You may be ordinary, but I am not. Will you let Me come be extraordinary in you?"

His words are still ringing in my ears.

"Will you let Me be extraordinary?"

Oh.

It's Him.

He doesn't need colored lights and mountain tops and award winning anthems. He requests unhindered access to my heart right here in my ordinary.

Extraordinary isn't what He needs from me, it's who He is. 

There is never a moment too normal for His nearness, too mundane for His magnificence, or too insignificant for His incredible.

There is never a moment too ordinary for Him.

So here I am, embarking on an ordinary adventure to discover an extraordinary God.

Want to join me?

.

"Great are the works of the Lord,

    studied by all who delight in them.

Full of splendor and majesty is his work,

    and his righteousness endures forever.

He has caused his wondrous works to be remembered;

    the Lord is gracious and merciful."
- Psalm 111:2-4

"The Lord is high above all nations,

    and his glory above the heavens! 

Who is like the Lord our God,

who is seated on high,

who looks far down

on the heavens and the earth?

He raises the poor from the dust

and lifts the needy from the ash heap,

to make them sit with princes,

with the princes of his people."

- Psalm 113:4-8

"these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God. For who knows a person's thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. Now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand the things freely given us by God."

- 1 Corinthians 2:10-12