hope.

Your middle name is Hope

With affection, I named you

So when you start to think you’ve “got this”

Remember whose hands framed you 

No, “hope” isn’t what you thought

In your youth and ignorance

But no need to feel ashamed

In love, I gently teach truth

Let Me tell you once again

What I’ve spoken in the past

Tune out the noise and hear My voice

Treasure my words inside of you

Hope is not the flowery word

You had imagined it to be

But before you brace yourself in fear

Let My reality set you free

Hope is not a dead end

Hope is not a cruel joke

It’s a companion for the journey

Come meet the one called “hope”

Hope is not a destination

So, it’s alright if you don’t arrive

To survive the pain, you need comfort

And you need to be nurtured to thrive

Hope is a steady rhythm

When you feel you can’t go on

So, when you need it most, don’t sprint

Wait, and trust for the dawn

Hope is not a song in daylight

It’s a whisper in the dark

And when you think you’re breaking

It’s the hands that hold your heart

Hope for circumstantial change

Might be Control in disguise

So hold out your open hands

Let hope take you by surprise

Hope is what you need

In the season you didn’t want

In the deadness of winter

Hope blooms deep down inside

Hope is beautiful

But, not what you might think

Un-manicured, but precious

Found in a despised ash heap

Hope might feel messy

You aren’t doing something wrong

My ‘work in progress’ isn’t decorative

It’s becoming durable and strong

Hope is what you choose to act on

But need I remind you?

If you see it with your eyes

That's when it isn’t hope at all

Here’s My word to the hopeless

And I’ve planted it in you

Be gentle with yourself

Rest here and let me love you

Here in my arms you’ll discover

That hope is real and hope is sure

Though every light has dimmed

And life has slammed every door

Be angry, be hurt

Be shattered, be real

You won’t drown if Hope’s your anchor

You don’t need to be afraid to feel

True hope is untouchable

Unshakable, invincible

True hope won’t give in

It’s unchanging and unbreakable

“How can this be?” You ask

When deep depression and wounds

In your heart have made a home

And for joy, have left no room

Can I liberate you?

Listen close and hear this truth

Your victory over despair

Does not depend on you

Lift your eyes, weary one

Is not your battle to win

For hope your soul is desperate

So to Me, come 

For, My very name is Hope

I am Hope in darkest night

And I will never leave you alone

Nothing can keep you from Me

So Seek Me to find Hope

In the rubble, a silent song

In the pain, a healing balm

In fatigue, relief and strength

In the storm, I’ll be your calm

No, child, hope is not a dead end

On this rugged road of life

It can be a familiar friend

Reminding you of what I’ve done

And one day, you’ll blink back tears

 Meeting others on the road

You’ll speak up and share the story

How before the dawn

You knew Hope.

“and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”
-Romans 5:5

“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek.”
-Hebrews 6:19-20

“Who among you fears the Lord?
Who obeys the voice of His Servant?
Who walks in darkness
And has no light?
Let him trust in the name of the Lord
And rely upon his God.”
-Isaiah 50:10

“…we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved; but hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he can already see? But if we hope for what we do not yet see, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know how we ought to pray, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans too deep for words.”
-1 Corinthians 5:23-25

“For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.”
-Psalm 62:5-7

still.

My flickering thought
Gradually grew an idea
Curious to discover
Another way to draw nearer

You proposed and I obliged
Though I never would have guessed
A fun experiment with You
Could be a quite revealing test

Take some time to just be still
It sounded simple and clear
Turn off the noise
Slow down the pace

Tune in to hear Your voice
As I tune out others that contest
Knowing the value of intimacy
In Your arms, peace and rest

But I had no idea, not a clue
It would be so very hard
I didn’t know the noise was masking
Another layer of intimacy scars

All those things were drowning it out
This horrifying truth
Underneath my “good deeds”
I was hiding from You

I discovered the discomfort
Of just being with You
Without productivity to lean on
Or performance to pursue

I was humbled
I was afraid
I was ashamed
I was confused

My Abba, My Shepherd
I want so much to love You
Why this fear and timidity?
Why sudden difficulty to approach You?

In the silence of my heart
In the stillness of my mind
Being still woke me up
Although for Rest I took the time

Be still and Know I love you
Be still and Know you are enough
Without the striving and the diligence
Your heart is what I love

Be still and Know I’m here
Be still and Know you’re not forgotten
That I’m with you in the valley
Though you only feel me on the mountain

Be still and Know I’ve got you
Be still and Know I care
I will provide for what’s ahead
I just need your trust til we get there

Be still and Know it’s ok
Be still and Know you are small
I am big and I’m enough
You don’t need to stand up so tall

Be still and Know My heart
Be still and Know My goal
I am working for your good
And I promise I will get you home

Be still and Know I am strong
Be still and Know that you are loved
And that I want to tenderly hold you
Not condemn each move you make

Be still and Know I am wise
Be still and Know I can teach
You don’t need to figure it out
I’ll give each necessary piece

Be still and Know My joy
Be still and Know My peace
Relationship is not a race
You can just be with Me

Be still and Know you are worth it
Be still and Know you matter
I’m a good Dad
I want to set you free to receive

Be still and Know who I am
Be still and Know you are Mine
And that will never ever change
Though all else will shift with time

I sat in the stillness
I soaked in Your voice
Amazed by the impact
Of one little choice

It hurt, but it helped me
To just be still with You
And discover again
That in the stillness of silence,

I’m still precious to You

“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth!”

-Psalm 46:10

“For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from Him.”

-Psalm 62:5

“The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.”

-Lamentations 3:25-26

“For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed.’ Says the Lord, who has compassion on you.”

-Isaiah 54:10

“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.”

Isaiah 26:3

"So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."

-1 John 4:16-18

home.

Take a deep breath.

Check.

Slow down.

Seriously? Do I have to?

Do one thing at a time.

Fine.

The attitudes that ping-pong my internal dialogue annoy even me sometimes.

See, the stack of boxes lining the room didn’t seem overwhelming…until I started to unpack them. Ya’ll, I had no clue how much stuff this girl (points to self) had collected!
Congratulations are in order, because now, ladies and gentlemen, I do. Drumroll please….

Amount of stuff I own = Never-ending.

As I chatted with customers at the drive-through window this week I gave the same answer over and over again.

“Plans for the weekend? Probably packing boxes.”
“What am I doing this afternoon? Oh, I’m moving.”
“Anything fun going on? Um…well…organizing my new living space…”

My little fluffy friend (Sunshine) became extremely affectionate right around the time I first started packing boxes. Or maybe it was when the first potential buyer came to check out the house… Either way, as the moving date got closer and the room got emptier, she cuddled up to me in a sort of desperate way. I think she might have been concerned I would wrap her in tissue and box her up too.

Thud.

When the lamp tipped over Sunshine transitioned from her spot on the sofa to the bathroom counter at the kitty speed of light. I looked up in time to witness the look of shock and confusion on her furry face. Those blue eyes communicated undeniable DISTRESS.

“Awe, Baby Girl, you just don’t know what to do with yourself, do you? You are SO confused.”

Oh.

As soon as the words tumbled out of my mouth I realized that I felt the same way.

(Yes, I am emotionally relating to my cat. Get over it.)

To be honest, this whole transition thing has been really hard. On Sunshine, for sure! But, I’m starting to realize that it’s been hard on me too.

Exciting? Sure. Stressful? At times. Exhausting? Yes. …Fun? Nope.

I feel at peace and terrified.

I feel unraveled and tangled up.

I feel grateful and discontent.

I feel happy and unnervingly sad.

I feel like a box of old keepsakes that has been flipped upside down and lies strewn across the hallway floor.

Now I’m trying to sort the pieces, and it’s like doing a jigsaw puzzle without the cover picture. But not as much fun, considering my daily tasks depend on the solution.

My precious routine: Will someone please tell me which box I packed that up in? I would like to recover it ASAP!

My sense of stability: That tipped over with the lamp, I think.

My established control: No comment.

My equilibrium feels off kilter.

To any poor soul that has ever engaged in the moving process I just want to pause and say:
YOU ARE A BRAVE SURVIVOR AND YOU HAVE MY FULL ADMIRATION.

Through this whole “moving” ordeal, I’ve had a personal epiphany (besides realizing the massive amount of my belongs).

I want to feel at home.

And recently, “home” has been a very intangible and somewhat scary unknown.

That bothers me.

More than I had allowed myself to admit. 

In all the chaos of my transition, my heart has been silently crying out: Go home, Jo.

Go home to where the shelves display your precious keepsakes.
Go home to where the blankets wrap around your tired shoulders.
Go home to where the cup of tea welcomes you with a good book.
Go home to where the dirt of the day washes down the shower drain.
Go home to where the four walls have seen you at your worst and continued to stand.
Go home to where your pillow has caught your shameless tears.
Go home to where your favorite playlist fills the rooms.
Go home to where you can be yourself…and feel welcome there.

Go home, Jo.

“God, I’m tired of feeling like this! Nothing feels right!”

Oh.

Personal epiphany #2: Moving houses isn't what stirred my heart to long for Home.

That longing has been hidden in there for a long, long time.

As an infant, it sobbed uncontrollably when Mom didn’t come back for what felt like an un-survivable amount of time.

It raised its voice when I was in middle school and held the cold body of the runt of my first litter of bunnies.

It ached when my best friend confided in me her frustration and confusion.

It whispered when Goodbye became final instead of temporary.

This longing to Go home is really nothing new.

And I don't like it. It's uncomfortable. Some days it makes me angry. Some days it turns to tears. Some days it just feels restless and nothing seems to soothe it.

I want to go home!

There is something in me that just knows that I was made for more than this busted up world filled with death, dead ends, disappointment, and damaged people limping through life trying to mend brokenness that refuses to cooperate.

I reached out and felt Him take me by the hand.

“We’re not home yet, Baby Girl.”

With every wrong cabinet door I open, and every missing item I search for, and every hint of discomfort and unease I feel in my new living quarters, I remember again.

“We’re not home yet, Baby Girl. Just hang tight.”

In this world that I have planted my two feet upon, I will never find the home that I desire.

 “We’re not home yet, Baby Girl. Just hang tight. I’m going to get you there, but I need you to trust Me.”

No matter how hard I try to establish myself here, gain balance, grasp control…I will always come up short of perfection.

“We’re not home yet, Baby Girl. Just hang tight. I’m going to get you there, but I need you to trust Me. I will be right here with you every step of the way.”

Well, that’s good, because if I have to do this whole “life” thing alone, I’m screwed.

(He loves me in spite of my attitude)

So, when I feel disheveled, unraveled, wound tight, and every other disorientation under the sun, I’m asking God for the grace to be gentle with myself.

I’m not home yet.

Here lies the freedom to feel the pain of missing home. To feel the discomfort of not belonging. To feel the grace to stumble along the way. To feel the forgiveness for each wrong turn.

And to ever hold tight to my Abba’s hand.

"Hear my prayer, O LORD, and give ear to my cry; Do not be silent at my tears; For I am a stranger with You, A sojourner like all my fathers."

-Psalm 39:11

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end."

-Ecclesiastes 3:11

"But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself."

-Ephesians 3:20

All these died in faith, without receiving the promises, but having seen them and having welcomed them from a distance, and having confessed that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For those who say such things make it clear that they are seeking a country of their own.

-Hebrews 11:13-15

"For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."

-Romans 8:22-26

"I am feeble and crushed;    I groan because of the tumult of my heart.

O Lord, all my longing is before you;
    my sighing is not hidden from you."

-Psalm 38:8-9