honestly.

*(ugly) vulnerability alert: This week has been incredibly painful for me. It's been painful because by God's grace, some things have come to the surface that I kept buried for years. During the past couple years I've been learning the value of "confession" (or, just being honest about my sin, if we want to put it simply). Both the pain AND the freedom are fresh in me right now, so I decided to give my heart an outlet on the keys of my computer. I wrote this letter to myself as a reminder of how important it is to walk in the light. Proceed at your own risk, and keep in mind that the bluntness is directed towards myself, not you. However, if my words stir something in you, I pray you find the hope and courage needed to step into the light.*

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Hello friend,

I’ve wanted to talk to you for a while, but I haven’t been sure how to open the conversation. 

I noticed the signs a while ago, but I couldn’t pinpoint the problem. After what happened today, my fears were confirmed.

You’re struggling.

I know you already know that.

I don’t want to hurt you! I hesitated to bring it up, because the last thing I want to do is discourage you. Your slumped shoulders don’t look like they can handle one-more-ounce of discouragement.

As you read on, please remember that the purpose of this letter to extend hope, not harm.

What I am about to say is probably the last thing that you want to hear, and it would be understandable if you tear up these pages before the conclusion. But, I’m willing to risk your anger, and I’m even willing to cause you pain with these words. I love you too much to continue to stand by with my hands in my pockets as you fumble to pull yourself together.

Please be brave

…and hear me out

You need to be honest.

Your life, your freedom, and your healing is hitting the brick wall of your pretending.

It’s time to let the walls crumble.

Your secrets are toxic. You are carrying death inside of you. There is a monster in you that you cannot run away from. You’ve tried for a very long time and all you have to show for it is exhaustion and a tougher exterior.

Please, please just be honest.

It’s time to let go. No more dodging and hiding. It’s time to call it what it really is.

Sin is real.

And what you have buried under a pile of self-protection,

…is Sin.

Does that word taste bitter? Allow it to linger for a moment.

The shame you feel is real. You’re not crazy. Yes, there is something very wrong.

And, maybe, deep inside, you have already acknowledged this to yourself. That’s a huge step! And I’m proud of you! But if you stop there, you will stop short of complete freedom.

You need to be honest.

It’s time to bring it to the surface.

Every attempt to erase it has failed. All your energy spent to paint it with a pretty face has been futile. Yes, you have failed. Failed to accomplish the remedy that you needed.

Wait! Before you turn away in despair and frustration with me, remember that the purpose of this letter was to give you the gift of hope.

Though your effort has failed, your condition is not hopeless.

See, God already knows that underneath your facade, you do not the ability to be the person that you want to be. He never expected you to pull yourself together.

Did you hear me? 

You have a good, good Father who is extending compassion, not condemnation for your sin. Your denial reeks of pride, and it will keep Him at arms-length, but when you admit your weakness you will be safe and held in His arms.

What was that? Did I hear you say that your sin is ‘too ugly?’

Don’t get me wrong, He has not ignored the ugliness of your sin. He has not made excuses for you. He has not turned a blind eye to your awful reality. This God, who is both holy and loving, chose to take action on your behalf.

Lift your eyes to this:

The cross was ugly.

Nothing in all of human history was uglier than the events of that day. On that day, true innocence received the full blow for true guilt.

On the cross, Jesus Christ put to death the very sin that you have been trying to bury alive.

Your sin that you have been running away from has already been dealt with. Your penalty has been paid in full, and it wasn’t cheap. It cost the blood of Someone who loved you to the extreme measure of death.

Clothed in His righteousness, you don’t have to hide anymore. Don’t you see? Because of what He did, you can step into the light!

So will you be brave?

Open your mouth!

Let the words tumble out! Tell exactly what it is and don’t spare the specifics. True freedom is found when you reach out to someone who will sit across the table from you and hear it from your own lips.

Protecting the secret of your sin from those who love you most is not protecting you. When you keep silent, you are only protecting the very thing that is killing you!

You need to be honest.

You’ve been afraid of the pain, and I don’t blame you. When you finally let it all out, when you finally confess it for what it is, it will hurt. It will tear up the inside of you and the demolition might feel unbearable. Hold on and don’t back down. I promise, it won’t feel like that way forever.

But, why? 

Why confess it if the exposure is so painful? Why not just leave it in the ground where you buried it years ago? Why does someone else need to know?

Because you will only experience freedom from the shame

to the depth that you expose it to the light.

What you need is not a list of steps to good behavior, what you need is not a new self-help book, what you need is not greater privacy, or even a greater performance,

What your wounded heart needs is to have someone hear the details of your ugly story, look you straight in the eyes, and say “I still love you.”

Someone once told me that sin buried alive will continue to flourish underground. If you want freedom, you need to dig it up. You battle will never be won in the shadows, only the light of Jesus Christ can bring your enemy to complete destruction.

This is hope.

You will not be overcome because the war is already won. When Jesus said, “It is finished,” He meant it. So get up and claim the victory, friend.

You can live free.

You are not alone. I will stand by you. I will walk with you. I will fight for you. But my words on the page can’t fix anything. You are the only one who can choose to open the door and step into the daylight.

You need to be honest.

Love,

         Me.

 “This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” – 1 John 1:5-9

“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” – James 5:16

“for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, “Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.” – Ephesians 5:8-14

“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.” – 1 Peter 2:9

“We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin... For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.” Romans 6:6-7; 10-11

 “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” – Hebrews 4:15-16

“May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.” – Colossians 1:11-4