the ugly side of beautiful.

I’ve hesitated to write this for a while.

I guess if we’re being honest, I’ve been afraid. Afraid to face it head on again. Afraid to share it publicly. Afraid to be humble. Afraid to remind myself of the truth and let go of the lie again.

But, I’m angry. I’m sick and tired of being stolen from. I’m horrified by how much I have lost in exchange for something worthless, and I'm grieved as I watch those around me make the same mistake.. It’s time I told the truth.

As far back as I can remember, I wanted to be beautiful.

As a young girl, I dreamed of being an actress. After every movie and TV show, I would dutifully waltz into the bathroom, and take a long, scrutinizing look in the mirror. I would glance from a distance, pose, adjust, and get up close to search for blemishes only a microscope could find. Then, I would look myself directly in the eyes and say these words: 

“Joanna, you are too fat.”

This ritual that was formed in secret continued to plague me. If I could go back now, I would take a baseball bat to that bathroom mirror. I had no idea that every moment I lingered in front of my image was a moment that would reap destruction in my life for years to come.

I remember the first night I decided to stop eating. I think at the time I knew it was a bad choice, but the pain of my self-disgust had a force that was too powerful to ignore.

Looking back, I wish I could have asked myself this question:

Too fat for what, Jo?

Too fat to be an actress? No. That was never the issue.

I believed that I was too fat to be loved.

This lie was a foundation that I built upon, and my physical body become the measuring stick for my self-worth. The pain of being unlovable was unbearable, so, I took action. When I realized that I could manipulate my appearance by changing my eating, exercise, make-up, and clothing, I saw a glimmer of what I thought was “hope.”

If only I was beautiful…then, I would be enough…and if only I was enough…then, I could be loved.

What a sick cycle I sold myself to! 

Here’s the problem:

If love can be earned, it is no longer love.

I chased an illusion called “control” to get what I wanted, never realizing that I was running full tilt in the opposite direction of what my little-girl heart actually needed. There was no room to be vulnerable. No place of security to be myself. I was craving affirmation, but the mirror could never affirm me, it could only affirm my masks.

Can I be real with you?

I became more attractive, and people noticed. I was praised for being beautiful. Come to think of it, I was praised for my appearance before I ever noticed the mirror. I was often told that I was beautiful growing up. But the compliments never scratched the surface of my cavernous need for love.

It’s no secret that body-image is near top of the list for how a woman evaluates her self-worth.

But, please, hear me out,

When we try to fix the problem of self-worth by affirming the image in the mirror, we have entirely missed the root issue. Worse than that, we have cultivated deeper roots.

We have targeted a smokescreen.

We thought the problem was believing I am ugly, but what if believing I am beautiful can wreak just as much havoc?

Hang with me.

One woman believes she is unlovable because she is ugly, while another woman believes she is lovable because she is beautiful. The devastating reality is that a life built on either of these lies will never be able to experience real love.

The competent, drop dead gorgeous woman who flaunts her appearance needs to know the truth just as much as the overweight, unkempt woman who hates her appearance.

Can I tell you what I wish I had told myself when I made eye contact with the mirror 12 years ago?

You are so much more than your physical body.

Did you hear me?

You are so much more.

You are not “loveable” or “unlovable” based on the image in the mirror. Right this second, regardless of what you look like, you are 100% precious, irreplaceable, and worth cherishing.

I wish I could take hold of you by the hand and we could run away together from this world that hurls the lie at us without a moment of relief. What a tough battlefield we find ourselves in, girls!

Yes, your body has a purpose. Want to know what it is? Your body houses YOU; your body does not define YOU. Don’t get this mixed up or you will open yourself up to a world of grief.

Will you be brave with me? It’s time to stand up and say “No, thank you” to this toxicity so that we can move on to what really matters.

Like you.

The real you.

You matter.

Are you willing to fess up to your desperate need? Let the masks fall. The real you needs some real healing. The real you needs to be nourished and cherished. The real you needs an encounter with real love.

Do you want to know what I discovered?

The real love that you have been chasing, has been available to you all along. Before the first diet, before the first time on the treadmill, before the first mascara brush touched your lashes, before you ever tried to become beautiful…

You were loved.

You were designed with intentionality and purpose. You are not an accident. There is a very real God that created the very real you. Completely independent of your effort and performance, He made a choice. He chose to love you. No matter what you do or how hard you try, you cannot increase or decrease His love for you. You are worth loving because He made you. Not because you earned it.

Can you hear His voice?

“Stop fighting, stop denying, stop running, and just let Me love you!”

We were only ever meant to be satisfied by the abundant and unconditional love of God. This is what I was searching for, and this is what your heart is hungry for. This is real affirmation, affection, intimacy, and the only source of real self-worth.We can gave confidence, ladies! It's not found in ourselves, but in the security of Who we belong to and His deep and unchanging love for us. 

The first time this truth washed over me, it was accompanied by a wave of grief and anger.

Seriously? I poured all of that energy into something that not only failed to fulfill me, it devastated me.

I both damaged and lost relationships. I grieved my family. I abused my body. I made myself miserable. I formed habits that don’t come undone overnight. To this day, I continue to watch God hauling away the rubble of my faulty foundation. And it hurts.

So, I’ve chosen to speak up.

Will you join me? Will you choose courage? Will you choose to believe that you are loved? Will you choose to cling to the truth even when the lie bombards you? Will you dare to believe with me...

We are so much more.  

We are loved.

Then, washed in this truth, will you grab the women next to you by the hand and tell her too?

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

-Ephesians 2:4-10

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins."

-1 John 4:10

"For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

-Romans 5:6-8

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."

-John 3:16