not me.

At the risk of exposing some of the ugly inside that I would prefer you don't see... I've decided to be honest anyway. Mostly because this truth has given me a breath of fresh air that I haven't had in a while.

For those in my day-to-day sphere, this will come as no surprise:

I have had a lousy past couple of weeks. 

There are several reasons why; several explanations for my less than pleasant demeanor; but the bottom line is...I've been struggling. More than I would care to admit.

My attitude has been ugly. I've been self absorbed. In my mind, replaying regret, discontent, worry, and fear, like broken records. I'm pretty sure even Sunshine would testify to the fact that I have been difficult to live with (and that's saying something, considering she's generally too self absorbed to notice things like that). There's been a grey cloud over my head and it's followed me everywhere I have gone.

Sunshine (for those who don't know her delightful face)

Depression is one of my battles. And while I'm learning to walk in the light, cling to the truth, and discover the joy in the little things, some days my greatest victory is keeping my mind "above water."

Was that too real?

Opps. Sorry.

Here's the thing, friends, I have great desires. I desire to be a selfless, loving, caring, gentle, kind person. I desire to have integrity, strength, diligence, and a good work ethic. I desire to know God deeply and prioritize my relationship with Him above all else. I desire to be a good person with a good reputation.

But, can we just be real honest for a sec?

I am so not the person that I desire to be. 

In fact, I am so far from being the person I desire to be, it's amazing. When God peels back another layer of my heart and I catch a fresh glimpse and my pride, it horrifies even me.

This is exactly what He's been doing lately.

Wonderful. 

(sarcasm, in case you missed it).

When I am struggling, I want to hide. I don't want anybody to see me. I don't want anyone to know that I am not the person that I desire to be, so I try to bury myself under anything that can divert the attention from my vulnerability.

In the latest head-on with my very human heart, I discovered something. Ready for this? Let me tell you what He showed me today... 

I don't want people to see me struggle because my desire is that people will recognize the beauty of Jesus when they look at me. Sounds admirable, right? I thought so, anyways. 

But, if I can only impact others positively when I am strong...it's no longer about Him and His strength. It's about me. If it's all about Him, and the beauty of who He is, the power will remain constant even though I have my ups and downs. 

Excuse me while I ask my pride to step aside so that my Savior can take the spotlight.

The gut-honest truth, is that I desperately need Him as much as I believe others do. I am by no means superior to a single human individual on the planet, even though my pride whispers "yes, you really are the wonderfully good person you desire to be."

I am not the solution. I crave the solution. My heart longs to be filled and satisfied every single day it beats to the rhythm of this broken world. As much as I want to direct people to my Jesus, I want to elbow my way through the crowd of those same people so I can get my messy heart to His embrace where I find healing, rest, hope, and freedom. And life. Real, abundant, life. 

It's not about me. It's just not. 

And I desperately wish that I could kill the pride monster with a single, furious blow. But I can't. And trust me, I have tried. I have tried to white-knuckle and sheer-force my way into victory over this one, only to sink lower and fall harder every single time. I'm learning that the only way pride dies is submerged in an environment of moment-by-moment dependence on God to do what only He can do: transform this ugly heart into something beautiful. 

So, while I wade through the muck of a tired body, a negative attitude, a stubborn heart, and bummer circumstances, this is what I have resolved to do: Praise Him. 

Because, in spite of me, regardless of what's going on with me, completely separate from the me I wish I could patch up and present better, He is good. 

He is always good.

He is always beautiful.

He is always loving, caring, gentle, kind, full of integrity, strength, diligence, and a good work ethic. 

He is compassionate.

His strength never runs dry. 

He is wonderful. 

The God who painted the Heavens and knows every star by name. The God who cared enough about this bleeding, wounded world, to take the wounds upon Himself and bleed the price for its redemption. The God who knows every detail of my heart, every dark corner, every forgotten pain, every current struggle. The God who loves me still.

This God is worthy of glory and honor and praise.

...even when I am having a bad day. 

While I wish I could look good, perform better, act happier, work harder, be more perfect (I cringed at that one, just so you know)...I am realizing that it's far better to be honest so that when something beautiful does shine through, there will be no mistaking the source. 

It's Him. It's not me. 

And to anyone struggling with the feeling that you have nothing to offer...Be liberated by this truth: You don't. But He does. Do yourself a favor and tell the Accuser of your soul to go back where he belongs! Your strength, influence, love, and overall "goodness" was never ever meant to rest on your shoulders. It's His strength, influence, love, and overall "goodness." Not yours. God is greater than any struggle, weakness, insecurity, or pain. Including yours.

 If my frailty limits my confidence in Him, it wasn't about Him in the first place, it was about me. O Lord, forgive me, for believing the lie that it's about me. It can't be...or this whole Overcomer thing will never, ever work out. 

"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you;

my flesh faints for you,

as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,

beholding your power and glory.

Because your steadfast love is better than life,

my lips will praise you.

So I will bless you as long as I live;

in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,

and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,

when I remember you upon my bed,

and meditate on you in the watches of the night;

for you have been my help,

and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.

My soul clings to you;

your right hand upholds me."

-Psalm 63:1-8

steadfast, my love

I see you curled up in despair

In the shadow, in the night

Your hope is all but spent

Sick of waiting for the light

You heard Me loud and clear

When I first spoke that word to you

“Be steadfast, my love”

In the storm, keep the truth

Your determination, I value

Stubbornness has served you well

But, you couldn’t pull this one together

Or by your might, this giant fell

Your “try harder” feels busted

Your arms have grown weary

Fighting off discouragement

Every step forward feels heavy

“What’s wrong with me?”

In your mind repeated questions

Why does joy seem so distant?

Why is faith growing dim?

Your confusion breaks My heart

As you brace for defeat

Be still and cease striving

Lay back against Me and breathe

You think you already know

And you’re afraid to draw near

You’ve avoided being with Me

For fear of what you might hear

“Be steadfast, my love”

Was my last instruction to you

At the time, exhilarating

But now, far from how you feel 

You know how you “should” act

But, I know something you don’t

Your resolve to “do right” crumbles

If trust in Me, the waves erode

Are you good and ready now

To set them all aside?

Your preconceived ideas

Of how you look through My eyes?

I saw you “Count it all joy”

And I heard your tired praise

Every hard day that you thanked Me

Every desperate glance My way

I saw this storm brewing

And I saw your foot slip

I saw the pressure rising

And I saw your “Steadfast” give

“Be steadfast, my love”

Was never meant a lonely burden

And the steadfast I ask of you

Doesn’t equal perfection

Every moment you’ve chosen

To lift your eyes to Me

Is victory worth celebrating

On the pages of your story

“That’s all well and good,” you say

But what of moments of defeat?

When your eyes fell away

And from the path, strayed your feet?

Did you forget who I am?

Lean in and hear your Abba out

“Steadfast” you think you know

But, you’ve forgotten My heart

Long before you took My hand

Before you chose to endure

I had chosen to love you 

And that love for you, is sure

Did you know that when you whispered

“I want to give up”

It didn’t tip Me off my throne,

It only tightened My grip?

“Be steadfast, my love”

I had whispered in truth

But it was only Part One

Of what I had for you

Though your “steadfast” looks messy

Though your strength grows weary

Though you want to give up

And you get your feet get dirty

“Steadfast, my love”

Forever will be

Though you falter and fail

My love remains steady

No matter what you do

You will never change my love

So lift your eyes to Me again

I’ll hold you “steadfast, my love”

-

“When I thought, ‘My foot slips,’ Your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up.” -Psalm 94:18

 “The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; though he fall he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand.” Psalm 37:23-24

 “But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning. For you have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress. O my Strength, I will sing praises to You, for You, O God, are my fortress, the God who shows me steadfast love.” -Psalm 59:16-17

 “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” -James 1:2-4

“Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful.” -James 5:11

“Behold, I go forward, but He is not there, and backward, but I do not perceive Him; on the left hand when He is working, I do not behold Him; He turns to the right hand, but I do not see Him. But He knows the way that I take; when He has tried me I shall come out as gold. My foot has held fast to His steps; I have kept His ways and have not turned aside. I have not departed from the commandment of His lips; I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my portion of food.” -Job 23:8-12

 “When my life was fainting away, I remembered the Lord, and my prayer came to you, into your holy temple. Those who pay regard to vain idols forsake their hope of steadfast love.” -Jonah 2:7-8

“But now thus says the Lord, He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Isreal; ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.” -Isaiah 43:1

“My eyes are ever towards the Lord for He will pluck my feet out of the net.” -Psalm 25:15

“Contend, O Lord, with those who contend against me; fight against those who fight against me! Take hold of shield and buckler and rise for my help! Draw the spear and javelin against my pursuers! Say to my soul, I am your salvation!” -Psalm 35:1-3

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in Him. The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” -Lamentations 3:22-26