not me.

At the risk of exposing some of the ugly inside that I would prefer you don't see... I've decided to be honest anyway. Mostly because this truth has given me a breath of fresh air that I haven't had in a while.

For those in my day-to-day sphere, this will come as no surprise:

I have had a lousy past couple of weeks. 

There are several reasons why; several explanations for my less than pleasant demeanor; but the bottom line is...I've been struggling. More than I would care to admit.

My attitude has been ugly. I've been self absorbed. In my mind, replaying regret, discontent, worry, and fear, like broken records. I'm pretty sure even Sunshine would testify to the fact that I have been difficult to live with (and that's saying something, considering she's generally too self absorbed to notice things like that). There's been a grey cloud over my head and it's followed me everywhere I have gone.

Sunshine (for those who don't know her delightful face)

Depression is one of my battles. And while I'm learning to walk in the light, cling to the truth, and discover the joy in the little things, some days my greatest victory is keeping my mind "above water."

Was that too real?

Opps. Sorry.

Here's the thing, friends, I have great desires. I desire to be a selfless, loving, caring, gentle, kind person. I desire to have integrity, strength, diligence, and a good work ethic. I desire to know God deeply and prioritize my relationship with Him above all else. I desire to be a good person with a good reputation.

But, can we just be real honest for a sec?

I am so not the person that I desire to be. 

In fact, I am so far from being the person I desire to be, it's amazing. When God peels back another layer of my heart and I catch a fresh glimpse and my pride, it horrifies even me.

This is exactly what He's been doing lately.

Wonderful. 

(sarcasm, in case you missed it).

When I am struggling, I want to hide. I don't want anybody to see me. I don't want anyone to know that I am not the person that I desire to be, so I try to bury myself under anything that can divert the attention from my vulnerability.

In the latest head-on with my very human heart, I discovered something. Ready for this? Let me tell you what He showed me today... 

I don't want people to see me struggle because my desire is that people will recognize the beauty of Jesus when they look at me. Sounds admirable, right? I thought so, anyways. 

But, if I can only impact others positively when I am strong...it's no longer about Him and His strength. It's about me. If it's all about Him, and the beauty of who He is, the power will remain constant even though I have my ups and downs. 

Excuse me while I ask my pride to step aside so that my Savior can take the spotlight.

The gut-honest truth, is that I desperately need Him as much as I believe others do. I am by no means superior to a single human individual on the planet, even though my pride whispers "yes, you really are the wonderfully good person you desire to be."

I am not the solution. I crave the solution. My heart longs to be filled and satisfied every single day it beats to the rhythm of this broken world. As much as I want to direct people to my Jesus, I want to elbow my way through the crowd of those same people so I can get my messy heart to His embrace where I find healing, rest, hope, and freedom. And life. Real, abundant, life. 

It's not about me. It's just not. 

And I desperately wish that I could kill the pride monster with a single, furious blow. But I can't. And trust me, I have tried. I have tried to white-knuckle and sheer-force my way into victory over this one, only to sink lower and fall harder every single time. I'm learning that the only way pride dies is submerged in an environment of moment-by-moment dependence on God to do what only He can do: transform this ugly heart into something beautiful. 

So, while I wade through the muck of a tired body, a negative attitude, a stubborn heart, and bummer circumstances, this is what I have resolved to do: Praise Him. 

Because, in spite of me, regardless of what's going on with me, completely separate from the me I wish I could patch up and present better, He is good. 

He is always good.

He is always beautiful.

He is always loving, caring, gentle, kind, full of integrity, strength, diligence, and a good work ethic. 

He is compassionate.

His strength never runs dry. 

He is wonderful. 

The God who painted the Heavens and knows every star by name. The God who cared enough about this bleeding, wounded world, to take the wounds upon Himself and bleed the price for its redemption. The God who knows every detail of my heart, every dark corner, every forgotten pain, every current struggle. The God who loves me still.

This God is worthy of glory and honor and praise.

...even when I am having a bad day. 

While I wish I could look good, perform better, act happier, work harder, be more perfect (I cringed at that one, just so you know)...I am realizing that it's far better to be honest so that when something beautiful does shine through, there will be no mistaking the source. 

It's Him. It's not me. 

And to anyone struggling with the feeling that you have nothing to offer...Be liberated by this truth: You don't. But He does. Do yourself a favor and tell the Accuser of your soul to go back where he belongs! Your strength, influence, love, and overall "goodness" was never ever meant to rest on your shoulders. It's His strength, influence, love, and overall "goodness." Not yours. God is greater than any struggle, weakness, insecurity, or pain. Including yours.

 If my frailty limits my confidence in Him, it wasn't about Him in the first place, it was about me. O Lord, forgive me, for believing the lie that it's about me. It can't be...or this whole Overcomer thing will never, ever work out. 

"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you;

my flesh faints for you,

as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,

beholding your power and glory.

Because your steadfast love is better than life,

my lips will praise you.

So I will bless you as long as I live;

in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,

and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,

when I remember you upon my bed,

and meditate on you in the watches of the night;

for you have been my help,

and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.

My soul clings to you;

your right hand upholds me."

-Psalm 63:1-8