taste.

I took a sip and tilted my head back.

The flavors of bitter and sweet lingered on my tongue with stunning complexity

I was flooded with sensations of vibrant joy mingled with the sharpness of grief

Powerful currents in a torrent racing the full spectrum of emotion

My chest tightens and expands

I make the conscious choice to open the windows of my heart

To freefall

To feel

To fully experience the colors of my life requires that I release control

I find it impossible to embrace the rawness of joy without these pangs of sorrow

This is the reality I am learning to savor

To both laugh and cry freely

To feel the refreshment of peace and the intensity of anger

To hold them gently in my hand like the fine crystal glass I am sipping

There will always be things to celebrate and things to mourn

I want to run from celebration because I fear the mourning

But hiding from joy has never chased away sorrow

And running from grief has only kept joy at arm’s length

I choose to taste the richest tones of my life, both bitter and the sweet

To pause in awe of a sunrise or a mountain range

Or the worn lines of age etched in the faces of generations before me

To throw my head back and laugh

To feel the grass between my toes

To sip my coffee slowly and sprint the mile

To feel warm sunlight on my skin and cool rain splash on my head

To allow the reality of new life and the reality of death to both rock me to my core

To be hospitable to the imperfections of myself and others

All the while holding onto hope for something better

To press into the discomfort of labor and breathe in the relief of rest

To choose to engage in both

To taste the full-bodied complexity of life for what it is

Not my fantasy of pristine safety and black and white security

All the while knowing and accepting that tomorrow holds the unknown

Blended torrents of joy and pain

I want to inhale the aromas and feel the textures and taste the fullness

For this is a wonderful, difficult, joyous, painful, and breathtaking life

I refuse to survive in a state of numbness and self-protection

For my terror of the depths of my heart is matched only by my determination to live

To truly live