[un]productive.

It's never enough.

Don't you know?

It's never enough.

Striving and chasing
Work harder, work smarter
The list never ends
Success seems so far
Elusive, unattainable
Impossible - it seems

Everyone's trying
So it "must be right"
At least that's the logic
That steals days and nights

Do you see the fake smiles?
The hollow, tired eyes?
Something is wrong
But who'll be brave to admit?
That it isn't everything
It's not enough to satisfy

Each direction that you turn
Holds another "Failure!" sign
Fool yourself, but you won't fool me
Each success hides a lie
Keep it up or lose it all
You are what you do
Do well? Congradulations
Wait till life hits you

Your performance can't earn peace
Perfect mother, perfect friend
Perfect boss, perfect fit
Your perfection's out of reach
Can you bear it?
The weight is crippling
Desperation bursts from inside
 
If it hurts, stuff the pain
Welcome numbness as a friend
When this attempt fails
Find another
Try again
Distract yourself with "life"
Cling to the rush
Keep the quiet at bay
Heaven forbid you notice
That happy is miles away

But if you're tired
If you're weary
If you don't want to keep this up
Come here
Come close
I have something wonderful
Something real
To fill you up

You weren't meant to be productive
You were meant to be loved

________________________________________________________________

I don't have a weighty conclusion to this one. At least not in the form of a poem. I just want to share my heart. Real and raw.

I  feel a constant restlessness. I'm too familiar with anxiety. There's always something in the back of my mind that I should be doing or I should be doing better. My time is an enemy and my closest friend all at once.

I wish you could peek into my soul and feel the struggle for yourself.

Maybe I'm not the only one who feels it.

I love my job, but I live under the weight of "you could do better" on those days when I'm tired and life just feels hard. 

I have great friends, but I sure wish I could be there for all of them when they need me.

I love my relationship with God and claim it as my number one passion, but I wrestle feelings of inadequecy in my quiet moments reading and journaling.

I like to exercise and I like the results, but I could spend eternity on the treadmill and still never measure up. 

Don't get me started on my hobbies.

I get this feeling that I exist in order to fill roles and produce some form of excellence. Improve yourself is a nifty saying, but is that really how I'm supposed to live?

Underneath all of this pressure to make my life productive, there is a deep and unquenchable desire to know that I am enough.

To reach the end of the day and just feel good.

I want to feel like my day wasn't another failure. I want to enjoy my life. Sorry for being so simplistic, but I'm weary of the high performance scene. I can't keep up.

So, the thought that has been stewing in my overactive brain lately is this:

What if productive is not my purpose?

Can we just stop and think about that for a second? Maybe I just need to stop and think about it for a second. Or a few hours.

What if right now, in this moment, I am enough...

And what if it has nothing to do with my effort to become enough?

What I do is simply NOT who I am.

Instead of "Hello, I'm Joanna [the daughter; sister; friend; barista; babysitter; student; girlfriend; church attendee; coworker; volunteer; runner..etc]," what if it's just "Hello, I'm Joanna"?

I'm a person. I have a personality. I have character strengths and weaknesses. I have preferences. I have needs. I have dreams and desires. I have a million thoughts a day that no one ever sees or hears about.

I'm just me.

In order to have peace of mind, I need to reassurance that I am allowed to just be me.

Some days, every second produces tangible results that make me feel good about myself. Some days, the only productive thing that I do is my own laundry. Most days fall somewhere inbetween. I'm desperate to know that no matter what my day looks like, I'm still valuable, loved, and cherished for who I am, not what I do.

My life is more than what I can or cannot produce. I am more than what I do. 

I am loved by God more than I could ever imagine. He sees all my days (even the unproductive ones!). He isn't super concerned. He still loves me.

All those areas that I feel like I'm failing? He doesn't mind.

He wants one thing from me, and it's not my performance - it's my heart. He wants my heart to be captivated by Him only. Head over heels in love. Joy uncontainable. Peace inexpressible. Abiding. Resting. "Doing life" with Him. Satisfied by His love. Held in His embrace.

It feels silly, insignificant, unproductive, childish...etc.

But, as unimpressive as it sounds to both of us... I'm sick of exhausting myself trying to earn significance.

I choose to believe that I am already significant. I am enough. 

How do I know? God told me so.

Before I ever did one thing right in my life, He said that I'm to die for.

This is life abundant.

This is what I want.

oxygen.

Sometimes simple concepts astound me. Like this one: 

"Breathing is important."

Forgive me for being so elementary, but this one thought has been occupying my mind for the past week.

You don't dare argue the importance of it. 

Everyone knows that we need it desperately. 

Survival is impossible without constant, consistent breathing.

I feel my heart beating in my chest. I consider the oxygen flowing through my veins.

I take a deep breath and I feel it fill my lungs. It's reviving. It's life. 

There's a lot of things that I over analyze, but I don't usually spend intellectual energy on breathing. It's either a choice on my part to ponder it for fun, or it's requirement when I've reached the end of myself.

When I'm running hard uphill, it takes all my concentration to just keep breathing.

When a tidal wave of emotion knocks the wind out of me, it takes effort to just keep breathing. 

When I'm relaxed and at rest, it never crosses my mind to just keep breathing. 

But no matter how mundane, effortless, or difficult it becomes, the importance of oxygen remains. 

If I quit breathing, I will find myself in a crisis. It's one of those realities that I can't change. 

So being the everything-has-meaning person that I am.....I discovered an analogy.

Truth. 

Truth is my oxygen. It's my lifeline. 

I cannot function without truth seeping into every area of my heart. When the flow of truth is interrupted I feel the threat of death. When I exchange the truth for a lie, it's almost like a piece of me dies. 

But when the truth triumphs over the lie, I'm am filled with life I didn't know existed. There are parts of me, long ignored or forgotten, that the truth revives. 

My need for truth never changes. It's constant. 

I need to know that I am loved. I need to know that I am significant. I need to know that my worth is not based on my performance. I need to know that God cares for me. I need to know that He is good.  

Truths puts my heart at rest. This is where I find peace. This is where I discover joy. 

I have stumbled through life based on the lies that I am unlovable, insignificant, and my value as a person hinges on how well I can perform. I can testify to the fact that those beliefs produce death. 

The fact that I am still alive is proof that the truth is life giving. 

The sad thing is that even while the lies were killing me, I clung to them. 

It's like offering an oxygen mask to someone and having them respond by shoving it away. What do you do with that? It goes against all logic and reason.

Why? I don't know. Maybe it's because sometimes the truth hurts. It's hard to admit that you were wrong. It's hard to let down the walls of self protection when you've been hurt in the past. It's hard to choose truth when everything inside of you and around you screams the opposite. It's hard to choose truth when you're afraid that it will let you down. Disappointment is hard to bear. 

It's humbling to admit that I don't always like, feel, or intellectually agree with the truth. 

Sometimes I look at the uphill in front of me and instead of grabbing a hold of the truth, I'd really like to just turn around and walk away. 

Sometimes I love the truth. It washes over me. I rejoice in it and find a happiness that I can't explain or fully express. It's beautiful.

Regardless of how I feel in the moment about the truth, it remains constant. 

I can't argue my need for it.

I know that I need it desperately. 

So, when believing the truth feels effortless, I will enjoy it. 

When believing the truth feels impossible, I will cling to it. 

I will speak it out loud. I will repeat it over and over again. I will shout it in my car. I will sing it at the top of my lungs. I will invite it to crash over me and consume me. 

It's my oxygen. 

I breathe it in. I feel it coursing through my veins. 

And I am thankful. I am so so thankful. I am thankful for this life. The true life. 

"be attentive to my words;

    incline your ear to my sayings.

Let them not escape from your sight;

    keep them within your heart.

For they are life to those who find them,

    and healing to all their flesh."

-Proverbs 4:20-22

"He sent out His word and healed them, and delivered them from their destruction."

-Psalm 107:20

"I will never forget your precepts, for by them you have given me life. I am yours, save me for I have sought your precepts."

-Psalm 119:33-34

"How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! Through your precepts I get understanding; therefore I hate every false way. Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path."

-Psalm 119:103-105

"Your testimonies are wonderful; therefore my soul keeps them. The unfolding of your word gives light; it imparts understanding to the simple."

-Psalm 119:129-130

steady.

You’ve been here awhile and it’s time to move on
The darkness has lifted
Adventure wakes with the dawn
Ready or not
Hold your breath for the plunge
A new chapter awaits
As you celebrate victories won
Beauty from ashes and healing through pain
He’s been so faithful
Abundant life – you’ve gained!

Every journey is unique
So, I don’t know what it’s like for you
But if this page turning is hard
I hope this encourages
I hope it rings true
You might be amazed and awestruck
As your Savior restores
Those places in your heart, forgotten and ignored

Bittersweet lingers on your tongue
Savor, don’t fight it
You’re not at an end
You’ve only just begun
Let the love saturate
It’s a precious season
Today – this day, you’ll never live it again
Take time to laugh
Take time to cry
Take time to let Jesus wipe the tears from your eyes

Everything familiar, everything learned
Brace yourself – your world’s about to turn
Transition is hard
Change often hurts
It’s humbling to stumble and fall in the dirt
The schedule, the people, the comfort of home
It’s about to shift to the new and unlearned

Don’t fear, sweet sister
There’s good things ahead of you
No matter what happens, no matter what comes
You might feel unsteady,
But, you won’t come undone
You can tremble and quake
Fall apart at His feet
You can shout out for joy
And laugh until you weep
You can be nervous, excited, or a mix of the two
You can be nothing at all
Just be true, BE YOU!

You’ve got this
I know, because He’s got you!
You’re world may be shaken
But He remains steady, unchanging, and true
Every detail and concern – it matters
He loves you!
The same God who met you
He’ll meet you again
And again and again
He understands, when no one else can
He’s walked with you so far
He won’t abandon ship now
Let Him calm your fears
Let Him hold you steady

Everything else may change
You might be stripped of familiarity
But run back to the One
Who’s got your back for eternity
Don’t forget those sweet things He’s whispered in your ear
Don’t forget the truth you’ve learned about Him here
When you walk out those doors
The lies will come
Just remember this, He doesn’t change
He is steady, He is love

His heartbeat is consistent
His touch is familiar
You have priority access to be held
In the safety of His arms
His voice still rings out, above the noise all around
This world gives way
But He won’t let you down
When you feel far away
When you feel all alone
Hold onto His hand
As He leads the way through the storm

Peace and joy met you here
But it was His master plan
He’s the Abba who formed you
Your name is written on His hand
Steady now, beautiful one
His presence is in store
This one thing He’ll prove
Steady as His heartbeat
His hand will steady you

...

 

"My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast! I will sing and make melody! Awake, my glory! Awake, O harp and lyre! I will awake the dawn! I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples; I will sing praises to you among the nations. For your steadfast love is great to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds." -Psalm 57:7-10

"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed I have a beautiful inheritance. I bless the Lord who gives me counsel; in the light also my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken." -Psalm 16:5-8

"I believe I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" -Psalm 27:13-14

"The Lord is exalted, for He dwells on high; He will fill Zion with justice and righteousness, and He will be the stability of your times, abundance of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge; the fear of the Lord is Zion's treasure." -Isaiah 33:5-6

momentum. (keep running!)

My feet pound the pavement

A steady rhyme in my ears

The sun warms my face

The breeze cools my back

Destination is my focus

But the journey is my reality

Time ticks with every stride

Thoughts meander through my brain

In the background of my mind

Images play like a film

Soundtracks spin familiar songs

Boredom toys with me

Til I round the corner

And my scene shifts

I find my smooth terrain

Becomes an upward climb

"No problem" I whisper

Through systematic breaths

Something in me welcomes challenge

I know I need a change

Fresh determination burns in my chest

I can keep running

I know this to be true

Despite the pain I feel

I won't let defeat steal my view

I press on

I run uphill

Almost there and I'm losing

My chipper attitude

Instead of habitual motion

Every step is a choice

An effort

A pushing through

I can keep running

I grab onto this truth

I'm almost to the top

I press on, against my comfort's will

I run

All other activity

In my analytical head

Screeches to a halt

Leaving room for "Keep going!"

This mantra occupies me instead

I crest the top and it's worth it

Relief meets me there

I celebrate the fact

Just when I thought it would kill me,

I kept running

With eyes fixed ahead

Road now sloping downward

I'm delighted by the ease

Difficulty forgotten

Once again, I feel carefree

I contemplate my gait

Motivation embraces apathy

Why hurry? Why keep the pace?

It's so nice to feel the comfort

To relax for a change

The road flies by beneath me

All I do is lift my feet

I can keep running

Or I could choose not to

Why is quitting so appealing

When I've already endured?

Destination recalled

I press on

I run forward

Gratitude floods in

I catch my breath

I rest my heart

This moment cheers me

Propelled by momentum

All else fades away

I run on

Sometimes I round the corner

To find another hill

Sometimes mundane awaits

Or a breathtaking view

Sometimes another bend

In this ever winding route

When the hills come

Or I despise the boring road

It dawns on me

My need for downward slopes

How momentum from the ease

Gives my weary soul hope

I will keep running

I can because I know

I won't regret pressing on

But I'll regret going slow

I choose to run in spite of me

I run to reach my goal.

"...let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted." - Hebrews 12:1-3