right here.

I’ve been frustrated lately.

Not furious, not fearful, not fantastic. Just plain old frustrated. What a captivating foundation for a blog post. Real earth-shattering (not).

It’s one of those things that has been bubbling under the surface for a while.

I had no idea until this week, when God so lovingly put His finger on my disgruntled state.

For the record, I have a love/hate relationship with the way He peels back the layers of my heart. When all is said and done, I end up won by His pursuit of my deepest places with intimate love. But, if we’re being honest, in the moment, it feels more like “Seriously, God? Did you really have to bring that up?”

True to form, my story begins with a particularly negative countenance.

I’m sure my tense body language was communicating loud and clear my need to be left alone. If I had to articulate it into words, the sign might have read something like, “don’t-talk-to-me-thank-you-very-much-I’m-fine.”

But please don’t judge me too quickly, it wasn’t intentional! As I passed through the aisles at the grocery store, I was completely unaware of the frown on my own face. Must have been too busy internally calculating the details of my life.

The week ahead was fairly clear and I knew I needed to make good use of the time. Why? Well you see, there were so many possibilities, so many opportunities, so many responsibilities, and so many things taking full advantage of my performance mentality, unrealistic expectation-ality, and routine distract-ibility.

It’s almost a funny image, but the reality stings.

As I drove home, I wrestled internally. Silencing the radio, I finally vocalized the churning emotions underneath my anxiety about the minor details of my week.

“God! What’s wrong?”

Cue the tears.

The pain of the past, the fears about the future, the discomfort of the present, it all spilled onto my steering wheel for what must be the five-hundredth time. It wasn’t new. It wasn’t a revelation. It was just me, pouring out my heart.

Yes, I can put my finger on several specific difficulties. It isn’t like everything in my life is rainbows and daisies. But at the same time, I see God at work in obvious ways. I have been blessed to catch glimpses of my own growth and the growth of others around me as I learn to walk by faith. God has been nothing but faithful and good and wonderful to me.

So there I was, having a come-to-Jesus session on HWY-211 about a season of my life that I am both thankful for AND frustrated about.

I know at this point some of you may be smirking at my emotionally-tumultuous self. But before you throw a “C’mon, Jo, this is life, get it together,” in my direction, I’d just like you to know that God loves me and my emotionally-tumultuous-self, thank you very much, and that isn’t what He said to me.

In the storm of verbal processing, I finally hit gold:

“Why do I feel like You are so distant these days?”

The reality of my frustration with God, was uncomfortable to acknowledge.

But, there’s a truth that has been washing over me during the days following that finally verbalized, very pointed question. Not a harsh reprimand, not a slap in the face revelation, this truth has come to me quietly. Subtly. Gently.

“I’m right here.”

No issue resolved. No major shift in my mood. No crystal clear direction for my future or even how to navigate this week. Just a reminder.

“I’m right here.”

Now, if you know anything about me and my life story, you know that I cherish my relationship with God.

Nobody, not one person in all of my existence has known me the way He does. No one individual has seen the ugliness of my behavior, my pain, and my heart and chosen to love me relentlessly still. Nobody has been able to speak to me, woo me, heal me, comfort me, and challenge me, like He has.

N-o-b-o-d-y.

“I’m right here.”

I have never, ever, found anything that satisfies, apart from just being in the presence of a completely perfect God whose love for me is nothing short of extravagant.

But, recently there has been a lot on my mind. Future plans, overcomplicating theology, and even this reoccurring theme of trying to figure out how to fix the unlovely parts of me. It’s exhausting inside my brain. Can anybody relate?

But for all the effort and energy in my head, I’ve had very little to show for it.

Not only that, I have felt very alone.

“I’m right here.”

Fast forward to my afternoon run the next day. 

Usually the rhythm of my feet on the pavement has a familiar comfort that calms me. Not so at that specific moment. Irritated with my wandering thoughts, I voiced my intention:

“What do you want me to pray about right now, God? What do you want to lay on my heart?”

The response almost stopped me in my tracks (which would have looked awkward jogging down Main Street).

“What if I just want to hear you tell Me that I’m wonderful?”

The first thing popping into my head wasn’t some beautiful, won-by-redeeming-love sonnet.

Um. What?

Wouldn’t that be unproductive?

Ahhh, there it is. Underneath all my striving, that old, familiar root.

“Joanna, if all I asked of you was to love Me and to let Me love you, would that be enough for you? Would you be satisfied?”

I realized that it’s time for my mind to be still, and my heart to engage again.

“I’m right here.”

The God of the universe,
the Great Creator,
the Designer of my heart,
the Savior of the world,
the King of Eternity,
the One who is the actual substance of perfect, unconditional love, hope, joy, peace, comfort, purpose, etc…

“I’m right here.”

In my very adult, very responsible, very intellectual effort to cover all the bases in my very human life, I lost sight of something very precious.

The presence of a very intimate God.

The truth that I can crawl up into His lap, bury my face in His chest, be held in His arms, call Him Abba, Beloved, Savior, and approach Him confidently to discuss anything that is bothering my weary mind is truth that takes my breath away.

It’s not about me or my striving or my behavior or my productivity. It’s about Him. It’s about the cross. It’s about the love He had for me before I ever knew His name.

Which, by the way, suits Him perfectly.

I AM.

I AM who I say I am.

I AM everything you need.

I AM more than enough to satisfy you.

“I AM right here.”

So, as I sit here at Starbucks with my fingers on the keyboard, I want to share the incredi-bility of this truth with you. Not a new revelation, not an earth shattering shift. Just a quiet, subtle, gentle reminder that He is right here.

Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, whatever you’re facing, He knows, He cares, and He never designed you to do it alone.

Will you join me as I engage my heart to worship a God who is abundantly available, abundantly beautiful, and abundantly enough?

Maybe of all the things on today’s to-do list, that’s what matters most.

“They seldom reflect on the days of their life, because God keeps them occupied with gladness of heart.” -Ecclesiastes 5:20

“Godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world.” -1 Timothy 6:6-7

“Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust in Him and He will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday.” -Psalm 37:3-6

“The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; You hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.” -Psalm 16:5-6

“Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to Heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.” -Psalm 139:7-10

“To the King of the ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen.” -1 Timothy 1:17