because i love you.

I'm tired this week. 

I feel drained from head-to-toe of energy, motivation, and passion. 

I'm tired of getting out of bed in the morning.

I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing imperfection.  

I'm tired of hearing the news of yet another painful event- from the lips of someone I love. 

I'm tired of the dull ache of my own loneliness.

I'm tired of saying "yes" to the good and "no" to the bad - when the "bad" sounds appealing. 

I'm tired of caring about the pain within and without.

I'm tired of feeling out of control and uncertain.

I'm tired of choosing to trust the good God that I can't see. 

All I want right now is to be wrapped up in His arms and hide from the world, my responsibilities, and even the people that I love. 

But the steady rhythm of my journey continues. The days come and go. The choices don't end. 

And He calls me to be faithful.

Faithful?

Lord, I want to be faithful. But help me, God, because I don't know what to do. What is faithfulness right now? What is that supposed to look like? 

Half the time, in my confident forward motion, my head is screaming 

Joanna, you don't have a clue what you're doing! How can you possible expect God to be pleased with you? What if you're heading down the wrong path? What if...?

So, my typical day looks like this: I go to work, I whittle away at my to-do list, I give a hug, I send a card, I pray for them, and I engage in my personal battle of fear against faith.

The challenge is not figuring out my future (while that's a tempting pursuit), the challenge is learning to love Jesus in the waiting.  

I desire contentment here. I want to taste and see again that in His presence, there IS fullness of joy. Hi

I'm learning faithfulness in the little things. 

If you know me, you know that I don't like doing things that feel unproductive. Bring on the tangible results! I want a clear purpose and meaning behind everything, and I don't want to wait around, second guessing the actual effectiveness of what I'm doing. I mean, c'mon, I can't even stand still to brush my teeth in the bathroom without wandering around to do something else simultaneously. 

Obviously, patience is my greatest strength. 

I want to see the fruit of my faithfulness, in the BIG stuff! I don't want to choose to be faithful when nobody is looking. I don't want to be faithful in the little things. 

I don't like this. God, please, help me understand. I feel scared and confused and insecure. You're the One who has carried me this far! You're the one who has designed me with these gifts and dreams. You're the one who has blessed me abundantly, and brought me into this season. I'm trying to walk with you and I'm trying to be faithful, but I hate how this feels! Why am I here? Why are you asking this of me?

Because I love you.

It was gentle, but firm. 

Ouch. Seriously?

I love Him. I love Him so much. I want to be close to Him. I want to learn from Him. I want to become more like Him. I want to trust Him.

But, His words still stung.  

I'm wading through a contradiction of thoughts and feelings. 

I'm anxious, hurting, upset, uncomfortable, impatient, and irritated that He's asking me to be faithful in my less than ideal state. 

I'm thankful, overwhelmed by His kindness, delighted by His presence, rejoicing in new levels of freedom, embracing the journey, and in awe of His faithfulness in my less than ideal state. 

I want to ditch the discomfort. I want to pitch the pain. I want to wander out of the waiting. 

But this is where I am.

And this is where He has called me to be faithful.

I can fight against His hands holding me. I can kick and scream. I can cry and question. And believe me, friends, I am doing my fair share of all of the above. But at the end of the day, in my less than ideal state, He isn't giving me a free pass to make poor choices. He hasn't given me permission to shelve the truth and ride the waves of my every whim as I try to console my unruffled emotions.

It is so so tempting to pitch a tent and have a pity party right now...just because that's what I feel like doing. I want to bend the rules and blaze my own trail. I've had seasons where choosing to be faithful felt much, much easier. But it's here, in this place of struggle, that He has clearly commanded my faithfulness.

Why? 

It's not because He finds pleasure in pushing me to my limits.

It's not because my pain doesn't matter to Him.

It's not because He is to blame for the brokenness of my little world. 

Because I love you. 

He knows me. He knows my rough edges. It's so clear to me that the very things I would have thrown overboard long ago, are the very things He has taken in His nail-scared hands and re-purposed. He is using the irritants, the uncomfortables, the hurts and aches as tools to transform this weary heart into a heart that beats a little more like His. This is what I really want - though this human soul is crying out for something a little less stretching, a little less painful, a little less exhausting. I guess when it comes down to it, this human soul is crying out for Heaven, and I'm just not there yet.

So, while I wait, (for whatever it is I'm waiting for), I want to choose to be faithful in the little things. I know He wouldn't tell me to be faithful for nothing. He's called me to be faithful because He loves me. I'll camp my tired heart on that truth and take the next step in front of me. By faith, Because I love Him.

Because He loves me.

Friend, I don't know what kind of season you've found yourself enduring. But, if you can relate at all to the desire to snap your fingers and change the scenery, I want to encourage you. No matter what you're going through or how stuck you feel, God has not forgotten you. If He is allowing you to remain in this season it's because there is still opportunity to refine you. To be quite blunt, that matters more to Him than keeping you comfortable. If He is asking you to be faithful here, it's not because He is a cruel and demanding taskmaster. 

It's because He loves you.

He knows that the best way to get through the struggle is with your hand clasp in His. Listen to Him. Trust Him. Let Him be your anchor and your captain for the storm. He won't leave you to navigate it on your own.

You are so loved. Will you join me in letting this love be the fuel for each step of faithfulness? In His grace, in His power, we can walk this out by faith. 

-

"...he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.  Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed."

Hebrews 12:10‭-‬13

Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.

Psalms 62:8

And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.

Hebrews 11:6

Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.

Hebrews 10:35‭-‬36

In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory.

Ephesians 1:11‭-‬12

I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:12‭-‬13

Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving.

Colossians 2:6‭-‬7

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.

Ephesians 6:10‭-‬11

...For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again.

2 Corinthians 1:8‭-‬10