the empty "why?"

It terrifies me to write this. 

I feel inadequate to express what God has placed on my heart, yet I'm so compelled to put words to what is going on inside of me, that even the fear is being drowned out.

So here it is. 

This is for anyone who has ever screamed "Why, God?!" into the stillness of the night and discovered only silence as an answer. 

This is for anyone whose "why" never crossed your lips, because the weight of pain was too suffocating to speak.

This is for anyone who has whispered the "why" behind closed doors and felt the shame of asking such a question.

This is for anyone who has asked the question "Why, God?" in the past and heard it echo back to them through empty corridors of a reality that just hurts.

Maybe your "why" is not in the past. Maybe your "why" is drowning your today. 

I don't know where you are right now. I don't know what life has thrown at you, or what you've gotten yourself into. In the middle of the motion and rythme of my life, I've taken a seat in a coffee shop to allow what is burning inside my own chest to flow through my fingers onto this busy keyboard with the hope that it speaks to your heart. 

Everyday I brush shoulders with people who keep putting one foot in front of the next in order to keep functioning externally, regardless of what is going on internally. I am overwhelmed by the pain that I discover in the voices, eyes, and hearts of those who have the courage to let me in to see it. 

What can I say? Life just hurts. 

I could give examples of "life hurts", but I don't want to. We're already too good at comparing our stories to the stories of others. Right now, this is for YOU. Not your neighbor or cousin or coworker. 

Pain is pain. I don't know what your pain feels like, and you don't understand mine. We both know that it hurts, and that's how we relate. 

It hurts.

The reality is that everyone, at some point in life, will encounter pain that they wish did not exist. 

But it does. The pain does exist. 

You can duck and hide, 

you can scream and cry, 

you can deny it or defend it, 

fight it or embrace it

No matter how you choose to respond to it, the pain remains an unwelcome guest in your heart. 

I was a very idealistic little girl. All things beautiful and sweet and innocent captured my attention. I was a dreamer. In the world of my mind everything could be wonderful if it was just given a chance. 

The past few years have shattered this little girl.

I discovered pain. 

Real, unexplainable, unsolvable, pain.

I've come to the conclusion that I hate it. 

I hate the pain inside of me. I hate the pain around me. I hate the pain that I cannot take away from my loved ones. I hate the pain that I cannot cure for my friends. I hate the pain that I see in the eyes of the smiling stranger that I hand a cup of coffee to everyday at work. 

Today I got in my car and beat my fists on my steering wheel, crying out that familiar question "Why, God?"

"Can't you see that this world is falling apart? Don't you hear the desperation in our voices? You say that you see everything and know everything and have all power, and then You have the audacity to claim to be a good God in the face of our dark reality???"

I confess. I have joined the ranks of those who ask the empty "why?"

What kind of a sick minded person would choose to follow a God who allows (if not causes) pain that is so ugly and destructive?

I will no longer be the good Christian girl who feels the need to make excuses for God in the face of tragedy. 

Welcome to my messy heart. 

I'm inviting you to come and see what God has given me in exchange for my empty "why?". Not because I want to share my heart with you (I'm not that generous), but because I want you to know HIS heart. 

Here's the first truth: God didn't do it. 

That nasty thing that happened in the dark? That physical issue that drained away life and replaced it with death? The emotional torment? 

God didn't do it. 

This truth helps. But it isn't enough. 

My challenge: "So, God didn't do it? Well then, where was He when it happened?"

What came out of me looked like anger and bitterness. What it masked was deep hurt at the thought that God could have prevented what happened to me, and He chose not to.

Like a father who stands idly by as his toddler wanders into a busy street.

This is not a good God.

More anger. More bitterness. More screaming and crying.

More hurt. 

How am I supposed to look at this pain without running from it, and continue to trust God's goodness?

The next truth: God never wanted this to happen. 

God loves you. He wants what's best for you even more than you do. The things that break your heart do not cause Him pleasure. The things that hurt you, hurt Him because He loves you. 

When it happened - whatever it was, God's pain matched yours. 

Did you hear me? This pain was not His design. 

I said earlier that "I discovered that I hate pain."

I have also discovered that God hates pain. 

My challenge: If He doesn't want it to happen, then why doesn't He put an end to it?

Ahh.

There it is. The Why?

In my pit, I beat the ground. I screamed into the silence. My voice went hoarse and then gave up. My anger spent in a fit of rage. He came and found me. He lifted my head. He cupped my tearstreaked face in His hands. With nothing left but raw pain, I whispered "Why?" 

" If you were there, and you saw, why didn't you do something, Abba?"

With my eyes locked on His, I found the answer. 

The scene flashed before my eyes. 

A dusty road. A furious mob. A wooden cross. 

The agony in His voice echoed my own. The desperation in His bloodshot eyes chilled me. His empty "why" broke the silence. It was all too familiar.

If I want to know how my Father felt about that moment in my life, I have to lift my eyes to the hill called Golgatha.

That was the moment He told me the answer to my "why."

"Joanna, I did do something. Can't you see? Feel the trace of nails in my hands, touch my side. I love you. Can't you see my heart?"

This is His response to a world full of "why".

The cost of healing for our pain? His own pain stamped it - paid in full. How much does your pain matter to Him? Enough for Him to die for you. That's how much it matters. 

He proved His goodness. He proved His love. He put action to His words. There is no greater way He could have expressed His heart.

So if He cares, why allow the pain to persist?

God is not a controlling and domineering God. Like a gentlemen, He extends the invitation for this world to draw near to Him. We either push Him away or welcome Him into our lives. When the choice is made to push Him away, there is no level of depravity that an individual will not sink to. I know this too well. 

This is not God's fault. Death, sickness, and cruelty were never God's design. Ever. 

We live in a world wrecked by the consequences of pushing God away, and it touches all of us. Whether it was our own choice to reject God or simply the impact of living in a world that has rejected him, the choice to reject God has wrought incredible pain. 

Yes, life hurts. 

My challenge: "So, that's it? We live in a broken world and that's the reality? Can I quit now? When do I get to give up? Cause this hurts like hell and I don't want it."

My final truth: God redeems.

My hope. My anthem. My theme. 

I refuse to thank God for the bad things that happened in my life. I cannot produce gratitude in my heart for the memories that make me sick to my stomach. 

I can, however, thank God for the good that He is able to bring out of that pain. 

Because, hurting one, He is able.

Because of the cross, we have access to Him right here, right now. In this life, He comforts, heals, and transforms ashes into beauty. These are not far off, sweet sounding concepts to me. I have sat in the ashes and He has raised me in beauty. 

We may still be in a broken world, but someday, whether tomorrow or on the other side of eternity, He will make every wrong right. 

I believe this. This truth carries me. 

In the meantime, I will run to His embrace, crying "Daddy, this hurts!"

It's there, in His arms, that I find what I need to go on. 

Will you run to Him too? Will you trust His heart? 

Are you willing to trade your "why" for His embrace?



"...The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil." -1 John 3:8

"Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, He himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death He might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death, were subject to lifelong slavery." - Hebrews 2:14-15

"The theif comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd, the good shepherd lays down His life for the sheep." - John 10:10-11

"I have said these things to you that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have trouble, but take heart; I have overcome the world." -John 16:33

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."
-2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we are saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience...and we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose."  - Romans 8:23-25; 28 

"Indeed we felt that we had received the sentance of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope, that He will deliver us again."
-2 Corinthians 1:9-10

Then comes the end, when he delivers the kingdom to God the Father after destroying every rule and every authority and power. For He must reign until He has put all His enemies under His feet. The last enemy to be destroyed is death." - 1 Corinthians 15:24-26

just say it.

I know you heard me call you

And you know we need to talk

There's something between us

Don't draw back

I want to help you

Don't pretend everything's fine

I hate elephants in the room

So cut the curteousy

You call me Abba and Friend

So why this formality?

We both know what you're thinking

And I know what you've done

You can feign confidence

But only for so long

When your reality is exposed

You cower and run

Why are we doing this again?

The same old song resung

Please stop playing games 

It's costing you

Every moment in hiding 

Steals my moments with you 

Are you ready to talk?

I miss intimacy with you!

Just say it, ok?

I want to hear what's on your mind

So what if it's ugly

You won't shock me this time

Remember last week?

And the months before that?

Just say it already

Get it off your chest

The pressure is building

You're ignoring a mess

I'm not interested in sterile 

For you, I want the best 

Just say it out loud

Let it cross the threshold of your lips

It matters, I promise

Though you feel stupid and foolish

It won't change my love for you

Not one little bit

Just say it

I can take it

Spill every nasty lie to me

Now's the time, my little one

Put the idols in my hands

Throw the anger at my feet

And I know that you "know better"

But your brain won't pass this test

Verbalize your thoughts

Let me into your heart

So you can stop figuring it out alone

I want to give you rest!

Just say it

I promise it will be worth it

Spit it out

Though your ugliness scares you

My blood made you perfect

Don't be afraid

My light can chase your darkness

Out in the open

We have somewhere to start

I want to help you, not hurt you 

But, if you won't own it

How can I transform your heart?

Find freedom right here 

Let me tell you who you are

You are loved, You are chosen 

You are mended, not broken

You're enough, You are mine

You are worthy, You are lovely

You're my blessing, not my burden

You are priceless, gold interwoven

You're redeemed, You are pure

Against your shame, my love has spoken

So, please say it to Me

The One who knows you the best

Gather doubt and fear

Burning holes in your chest

Hand it over to me

Steadfast love conquers this test

Oh, and one more thing

If I already know

Then why bring it up?

Why rehearse the pain?

Why walk through the muck? 

I don't enjoy it either

But I don't want you stuck 

Just say it to Me

So we can move on

There's too much in your tomorrows

To let deception rob even one 

I do integrity and honesty

Come discover my ways 

Come sit with me and say it

I'll give you a new song

As you confess, I will address

And redeem every wrong

Just say it

Your words will end the night...

...My words will break the dawn

"Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed"

-Psalm 34:5


 "But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light."
- 1 Peter 2:9


 "If we walk in the light as  he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin."
-1 John 1:7


"For at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of the light!"
-Ephesians 5:8


"For you are all children of the light and children of the day. We are not of the night or of the darkness."  
1 Thssalonians 5:5

connect.

I see you




Sitting alone over there

Fear sings lullabies softly in your ears

Sit back, observe

Hope that no one draws near




You think it's safer to fly solo

I do understand why

It's hurt you before

To care so deeply, to try




Please listen, little one

My heart aches for you

I want you to see

What's accessible, good, and true




The best gift of all

Given to me was your heart

And welcoming my love

Chased away the dark




You've discovered fear flees 

At the perfection I feel toward you

Here at my feet

Trust blossoms, and hope renews




But out there, will it shift?

This question haunts and doubts accuse

Will others confirm, or deny 

The fear plaguing you?




Your walls keep you in

Contained and controlled

They keep people out

With dangers untold




It's all well and good if the goal is to hide


But, it's not My design to keep others away

To do life with Me, I'll call you out 

"Come walk the waves"




Isolation numbs the life I've stirred up inside

So, hear the truth

You're not alone, You do belong

You are my bride




One body, one church

One heartbeat, My masterpiece

You fit in the picture

So, let me show you My design




Feel my bloodline connect you, 

Surround you, console you

As they reach out

My arms enfold you




You're afraid to connect

And feel familiar chains bind you

Eyes up, look at me

You're mine and I've got you




They're not perfect, it's true

But neither are you

Transformation in process

Journey shared on common ground




It's not about them

Or even you for that matter

It's always been Me

My heart is what you're after




They carry My life

The same Spirit inside

My truth brushes their lips

I use their hands to guide, yours to assist




A smile, a touch

The connection is sweet

It's not them, It's not you

It's the fragrance of Me




They feel your pain

Cause' it's their own, they bear it too

Homeward bound but not home yet

Let camaraderie refresh you




Not sufficient on your own

But hidden in Me, another story

Knit together, bound securely

United for My glory




Pride blinds, so I'm healing you to see

You need Me in them, and in you, they need Me

Instead of pressure to perform

Let my truth ignite you




Resting and abiding

Mine first, you'll always be

Extending the love I have for you

Reaching out, setting free




Connect with them, seek My face

You might be surprised

Let me guard your heart

And watch Heaven and Earth collide




Connect, past pain surrendered

Expectations set aside

Dropping preconceived ideas

Hearing me above the lies

Connect to Me, my love

I'll connect you as My bride

"...speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into Him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love."

-Ephesians 4:15-16

"For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually, members one of another."

-Romans 12:4-5

"For through Him we both have access in one Spirit to the Father. So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus Himself being the cornerstone, in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord." 

-Ephesians 2:18-21

“I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me. The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me." 

-John 17:20-23


























[un]productive.

It's never enough.

Don't you know?

It's never enough.

Striving and chasing
Work harder, work smarter
The list never ends
Success seems so far
Elusive, unattainable
Impossible - it seems

Everyone's trying
So it "must be right"
At least that's the logic
That steals days and nights

Do you see the fake smiles?
The hollow, tired eyes?
Something is wrong
But who'll be brave to admit?
That it isn't everything
It's not enough to satisfy

Each direction that you turn
Holds another "Failure!" sign
Fool yourself, but you won't fool me
Each success hides a lie
Keep it up or lose it all
You are what you do
Do well? Congradulations
Wait till life hits you

Your performance can't earn peace
Perfect mother, perfect friend
Perfect boss, perfect fit
Your perfection's out of reach
Can you bear it?
The weight is crippling
Desperation bursts from inside
 
If it hurts, stuff the pain
Welcome numbness as a friend
When this attempt fails
Find another
Try again
Distract yourself with "life"
Cling to the rush
Keep the quiet at bay
Heaven forbid you notice
That happy is miles away

But if you're tired
If you're weary
If you don't want to keep this up
Come here
Come close
I have something wonderful
Something real
To fill you up

You weren't meant to be productive
You were meant to be loved

________________________________________________________________

I don't have a weighty conclusion to this one. At least not in the form of a poem. I just want to share my heart. Real and raw.

I  feel a constant restlessness. I'm too familiar with anxiety. There's always something in the back of my mind that I should be doing or I should be doing better. My time is an enemy and my closest friend all at once.

I wish you could peek into my soul and feel the struggle for yourself.

Maybe I'm not the only one who feels it.

I love my job, but I live under the weight of "you could do better" on those days when I'm tired and life just feels hard. 

I have great friends, but I sure wish I could be there for all of them when they need me.

I love my relationship with God and claim it as my number one passion, but I wrestle feelings of inadequecy in my quiet moments reading and journaling.

I like to exercise and I like the results, but I could spend eternity on the treadmill and still never measure up. 

Don't get me started on my hobbies.

I get this feeling that I exist in order to fill roles and produce some form of excellence. Improve yourself is a nifty saying, but is that really how I'm supposed to live?

Underneath all of this pressure to make my life productive, there is a deep and unquenchable desire to know that I am enough.

To reach the end of the day and just feel good.

I want to feel like my day wasn't another failure. I want to enjoy my life. Sorry for being so simplistic, but I'm weary of the high performance scene. I can't keep up.

So, the thought that has been stewing in my overactive brain lately is this:

What if productive is not my purpose?

Can we just stop and think about that for a second? Maybe I just need to stop and think about it for a second. Or a few hours.

What if right now, in this moment, I am enough...

And what if it has nothing to do with my effort to become enough?

What I do is simply NOT who I am.

Instead of "Hello, I'm Joanna [the daughter; sister; friend; barista; babysitter; student; girlfriend; church attendee; coworker; volunteer; runner..etc]," what if it's just "Hello, I'm Joanna"?

I'm a person. I have a personality. I have character strengths and weaknesses. I have preferences. I have needs. I have dreams and desires. I have a million thoughts a day that no one ever sees or hears about.

I'm just me.

In order to have peace of mind, I need to reassurance that I am allowed to just be me.

Some days, every second produces tangible results that make me feel good about myself. Some days, the only productive thing that I do is my own laundry. Most days fall somewhere inbetween. I'm desperate to know that no matter what my day looks like, I'm still valuable, loved, and cherished for who I am, not what I do.

My life is more than what I can or cannot produce. I am more than what I do. 

I am loved by God more than I could ever imagine. He sees all my days (even the unproductive ones!). He isn't super concerned. He still loves me.

All those areas that I feel like I'm failing? He doesn't mind.

He wants one thing from me, and it's not my performance - it's my heart. He wants my heart to be captivated by Him only. Head over heels in love. Joy uncontainable. Peace inexpressible. Abiding. Resting. "Doing life" with Him. Satisfied by His love. Held in His embrace.

It feels silly, insignificant, unproductive, childish...etc.

But, as unimpressive as it sounds to both of us... I'm sick of exhausting myself trying to earn significance.

I choose to believe that I am already significant. I am enough. 

How do I know? God told me so.

Before I ever did one thing right in my life, He said that I'm to die for.

This is life abundant.

This is what I want.

oxygen.

Sometimes simple concepts astound me. Like this one: 

"Breathing is important."

Forgive me for being so elementary, but this one thought has been occupying my mind for the past week.

You don't dare argue the importance of it. 

Everyone knows that we need it desperately. 

Survival is impossible without constant, consistent breathing.

I feel my heart beating in my chest. I consider the oxygen flowing through my veins.

I take a deep breath and I feel it fill my lungs. It's reviving. It's life. 

There's a lot of things that I over analyze, but I don't usually spend intellectual energy on breathing. It's either a choice on my part to ponder it for fun, or it's requirement when I've reached the end of myself.

When I'm running hard uphill, it takes all my concentration to just keep breathing.

When a tidal wave of emotion knocks the wind out of me, it takes effort to just keep breathing. 

When I'm relaxed and at rest, it never crosses my mind to just keep breathing. 

But no matter how mundane, effortless, or difficult it becomes, the importance of oxygen remains. 

If I quit breathing, I will find myself in a crisis. It's one of those realities that I can't change. 

So being the everything-has-meaning person that I am.....I discovered an analogy.

Truth. 

Truth is my oxygen. It's my lifeline. 

I cannot function without truth seeping into every area of my heart. When the flow of truth is interrupted I feel the threat of death. When I exchange the truth for a lie, it's almost like a piece of me dies. 

But when the truth triumphs over the lie, I'm am filled with life I didn't know existed. There are parts of me, long ignored or forgotten, that the truth revives. 

My need for truth never changes. It's constant. 

I need to know that I am loved. I need to know that I am significant. I need to know that my worth is not based on my performance. I need to know that God cares for me. I need to know that He is good.  

Truths puts my heart at rest. This is where I find peace. This is where I discover joy. 

I have stumbled through life based on the lies that I am unlovable, insignificant, and my value as a person hinges on how well I can perform. I can testify to the fact that those beliefs produce death. 

The fact that I am still alive is proof that the truth is life giving. 

The sad thing is that even while the lies were killing me, I clung to them. 

It's like offering an oxygen mask to someone and having them respond by shoving it away. What do you do with that? It goes against all logic and reason.

Why? I don't know. Maybe it's because sometimes the truth hurts. It's hard to admit that you were wrong. It's hard to let down the walls of self protection when you've been hurt in the past. It's hard to choose truth when everything inside of you and around you screams the opposite. It's hard to choose truth when you're afraid that it will let you down. Disappointment is hard to bear. 

It's humbling to admit that I don't always like, feel, or intellectually agree with the truth. 

Sometimes I look at the uphill in front of me and instead of grabbing a hold of the truth, I'd really like to just turn around and walk away. 

Sometimes I love the truth. It washes over me. I rejoice in it and find a happiness that I can't explain or fully express. It's beautiful.

Regardless of how I feel in the moment about the truth, it remains constant. 

I can't argue my need for it.

I know that I need it desperately. 

So, when believing the truth feels effortless, I will enjoy it. 

When believing the truth feels impossible, I will cling to it. 

I will speak it out loud. I will repeat it over and over again. I will shout it in my car. I will sing it at the top of my lungs. I will invite it to crash over me and consume me. 

It's my oxygen. 

I breathe it in. I feel it coursing through my veins. 

And I am thankful. I am so so thankful. I am thankful for this life. The true life. 

"be attentive to my words;

    incline your ear to my sayings.

Let them not escape from your sight;

    keep them within your heart.

For they are life to those who find them,

    and healing to all their flesh."

-Proverbs 4:20-22

"He sent out His word and healed them, and delivered them from their destruction."

-Psalm 107:20

"I will never forget your precepts, for by them you have given me life. I am yours, save me for I have sought your precepts."

-Psalm 119:33-34

"How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! Through your precepts I get understanding; therefore I hate every false way. Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path."

-Psalm 119:103-105

"Your testimonies are wonderful; therefore my soul keeps them. The unfolding of your word gives light; it imparts understanding to the simple."

-Psalm 119:129-130

steady.

You’ve been here awhile and it’s time to move on
The darkness has lifted
Adventure wakes with the dawn
Ready or not
Hold your breath for the plunge
A new chapter awaits
As you celebrate victories won
Beauty from ashes and healing through pain
He’s been so faithful
Abundant life – you’ve gained!

Every journey is unique
So, I don’t know what it’s like for you
But if this page turning is hard
I hope this encourages
I hope it rings true
You might be amazed and awestruck
As your Savior restores
Those places in your heart, forgotten and ignored

Bittersweet lingers on your tongue
Savor, don’t fight it
You’re not at an end
You’ve only just begun
Let the love saturate
It’s a precious season
Today – this day, you’ll never live it again
Take time to laugh
Take time to cry
Take time to let Jesus wipe the tears from your eyes

Everything familiar, everything learned
Brace yourself – your world’s about to turn
Transition is hard
Change often hurts
It’s humbling to stumble and fall in the dirt
The schedule, the people, the comfort of home
It’s about to shift to the new and unlearned

Don’t fear, sweet sister
There’s good things ahead of you
No matter what happens, no matter what comes
You might feel unsteady,
But, you won’t come undone
You can tremble and quake
Fall apart at His feet
You can shout out for joy
And laugh until you weep
You can be nervous, excited, or a mix of the two
You can be nothing at all
Just be true, BE YOU!

You’ve got this
I know, because He’s got you!
You’re world may be shaken
But He remains steady, unchanging, and true
Every detail and concern – it matters
He loves you!
The same God who met you
He’ll meet you again
And again and again
He understands, when no one else can
He’s walked with you so far
He won’t abandon ship now
Let Him calm your fears
Let Him hold you steady

Everything else may change
You might be stripped of familiarity
But run back to the One
Who’s got your back for eternity
Don’t forget those sweet things He’s whispered in your ear
Don’t forget the truth you’ve learned about Him here
When you walk out those doors
The lies will come
Just remember this, He doesn’t change
He is steady, He is love

His heartbeat is consistent
His touch is familiar
You have priority access to be held
In the safety of His arms
His voice still rings out, above the noise all around
This world gives way
But He won’t let you down
When you feel far away
When you feel all alone
Hold onto His hand
As He leads the way through the storm

Peace and joy met you here
But it was His master plan
He’s the Abba who formed you
Your name is written on His hand
Steady now, beautiful one
His presence is in store
This one thing He’ll prove
Steady as His heartbeat
His hand will steady you

...

 

"My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast! I will sing and make melody! Awake, my glory! Awake, O harp and lyre! I will awake the dawn! I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples; I will sing praises to you among the nations. For your steadfast love is great to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds." -Psalm 57:7-10

"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed I have a beautiful inheritance. I bless the Lord who gives me counsel; in the light also my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken." -Psalm 16:5-8

"I believe I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" -Psalm 27:13-14

"The Lord is exalted, for He dwells on high; He will fill Zion with justice and righteousness, and He will be the stability of your times, abundance of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge; the fear of the Lord is Zion's treasure." -Isaiah 33:5-6

momentum. (keep running!)

My feet pound the pavement

A steady rhyme in my ears

The sun warms my face

The breeze cools my back

Destination is my focus

But the journey is my reality

Time ticks with every stride

Thoughts meander through my brain

In the background of my mind

Images play like a film

Soundtracks spin familiar songs

Boredom toys with me

Til I round the corner

And my scene shifts

I find my smooth terrain

Becomes an upward climb

"No problem" I whisper

Through systematic breaths

Something in me welcomes challenge

I know I need a change

Fresh determination burns in my chest

I can keep running

I know this to be true

Despite the pain I feel

I won't let defeat steal my view

I press on

I run uphill

Almost there and I'm losing

My chipper attitude

Instead of habitual motion

Every step is a choice

An effort

A pushing through

I can keep running

I grab onto this truth

I'm almost to the top

I press on, against my comfort's will

I run

All other activity

In my analytical head

Screeches to a halt

Leaving room for "Keep going!"

This mantra occupies me instead

I crest the top and it's worth it

Relief meets me there

I celebrate the fact

Just when I thought it would kill me,

I kept running

With eyes fixed ahead

Road now sloping downward

I'm delighted by the ease

Difficulty forgotten

Once again, I feel carefree

I contemplate my gait

Motivation embraces apathy

Why hurry? Why keep the pace?

It's so nice to feel the comfort

To relax for a change

The road flies by beneath me

All I do is lift my feet

I can keep running

Or I could choose not to

Why is quitting so appealing

When I've already endured?

Destination recalled

I press on

I run forward

Gratitude floods in

I catch my breath

I rest my heart

This moment cheers me

Propelled by momentum

All else fades away

I run on

Sometimes I round the corner

To find another hill

Sometimes mundane awaits

Or a breathtaking view

Sometimes another bend

In this ever winding route

When the hills come

Or I despise the boring road

It dawns on me

My need for downward slopes

How momentum from the ease

Gives my weary soul hope

I will keep running

I can because I know

I won't regret pressing on

But I'll regret going slow

I choose to run in spite of me

I run to reach my goal.

"...let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted." - Hebrews 12:1-3