Sunday, September 20, 2015

don't run.

I don't enjoy pain.

I pretend that I'm tough when it comes to arm wrestling my younger brother or getting shocked by the electric fence of our horse pasture, and I do like that sore feeling after a good work out (the key word being AFTER)...

But when it comes to real, deep, dark emotional pain, I don't like it. 

Actually, my gut reaction is to run away. 

No questions asked, no lingering to test the waters, I just want to run.

I want to bury myself under a pile of distractions. I get busy. I get task oriented. I get intensely focused on anything and everything that will take me away from what's going on inside of me. 

I run away from myself. 
  ...which doesn't work. 
See, anywhere I go, there I am.

I know that ignoring and burying my pain hasn't worked for me in the past. In fact, it's only served to make things worse.

I don't want to make things worse by running from the pain, I just don't want to hurt. 

I'm learning to run to Jesus. It's a new concept for me, actually. This whole falling-to-pieces-at-His-feet is uncomfortable. In fact, I balk at it pretty much every time.

Why?

Because I'm afraid.

What am I so afraid of?

I'm afraid that if I allow myself to feel hurt and acknowledge my need for comfort, I will drown in the pain. Once I stop running, once I stop denying it, then all the sudden I am faced with reality and I can't fix it. 

I'm afraid that the comfort won't come. I'm afraid that I will be left alone to weep.

That's what I'm afraid of. That's why I want to run. 

This season of my life really hurts. I know I sound like a broken record, but I'm experiencing emotional pain at levels that I didn't know existed (and for good reason, in the past I booked it in the opposite direction). 

But through all of the mess of my emotions, I've gotten a heart revelation that I am compelled to share:

God meets me in the moments when pain threatens to drown me. 

My tears never fall unnoticed.

Underneath the layers of reasons why I run away from my own feelings, lies the terror of being abandoned and lost in the reality of my pain. 

That fear loses all power when I face reality and discover that "I have set the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken" (Psalm 16:8)

He is the ultimate answer to my cavernous need for comfort and love in my darkest moments.

He has never failed me. 

I have hope when it hurts because I believe that He never will. 

My God is big enough to handle the reality of my feelings. This is a liberating truth and I am so so grateful. 

While I feel my fear wash away in a torrent of perfect love, I am wrecked by the thought that my Savior chose to be left alone in His pain on the cross, so that I would never have to be alone.

Wait, what? He did it. So I wouldn't have to. 

I am won by perfect love.  

...



...





Friday, September 18, 2015

wrecked.

"God is wrecking my heart."

I'm not even entirely sure what that means, but I know that it resonates with me. In fact, I can't find many other words that express how I feel right now.

Wrecked.

My heart is wrecked.

"Wrecking" usually has a negative connotation in my mind. Come to think of it, maybe it's just a negative word in general. Hold on while I look it up.

...

wreck: [verb]
1. to cause the ruin or destruction of:
2. to tear down; demolish:
3. to ruin or impair severely:


...

Nope, not just me. Looks like wrecking is an ugly word in general.

Want to know something strange?

God is wrecking my heart, and it's the most beautiful thing that's ever happened to me.

When a building is being remodeled it often looks worse in process than it ever did before the designer took on the task of making it more beautiful. That's what I feel like God is doing to my heart.

In His goodness, in His faithfulness, in His perfect authority and His knowledge of my past, present, and future, He is tearing me up inside so that He can fashion me into something beautiful.

I know that sounds kind of crude, but if you knew the ugliness that my heart holds at the current moment, the natural response would be to say "Yes, please! Get it out of her!"

So this has been my prayer as of late: "Strip away everything that is getting in the way of your purpose for my life, Lord. Wreck me."

If I truly believe that He is good and that He is more concerned about my own good than I am, then I can entrust myself to His "wrecking," choosing to believe that I will come out beautiful.

My heart is messy. There are so many things about myself that I wish weren't true. So many things that I know are ugly, but no matter how hard I try, I cannot get rid of them!

I know what it's like to try to drown out the inevitable hopelessness that comes from realizing that I cannot control my own weaknesses.

I know what it feels like to stare my own ugliness in the face and just give up.

The truth that I am marveling at right now is this:
 I am not hopeless, because I am not left alone in my messy condition.

I know this to be true: My Father is able to do what I cannot do. My Father is able to transform my heart.

Right now, it hurts.

I've never felt so many emotions and I confess that at times "I hate them" doesn't scratch the surface of how I feel about my own feelings.

I can't be angry with God. I'm the one who invited the demolition.

I've never felt so very undone. So laid bare. So exposed before my own Creator.

I've never felt so lonely,
                                     so weak,
                                                    so sad,
                                                                so confused,
                                                                                    so fearful,
                                                                                                     so broken.
But here's the funny thing,

I've never felt so loved. 

God is loving on me in ways that I never imagined were possible. The intimacy overwhelms me. His presence is sweet. Yes, it hurts to be "wrecked," but I've never felt so beautiful. I have hope. Hope that He is going to complete the work He's started in me, and it's going to be awesome.

I feel His touch as He molds me and shapes me. I am vulnerable in His God-sized-hands (think BIG).

The idea that the God of the universe cares enough about me to step into my life and involve Himself in every detail is completely shocking to me. His desire is for me. His desire to for my heart.

In my desperation, my neediness, my pain, my loneliness, He is making Himself known to me in undeniable ways. I am so grateful.

He won't stop pursuing. He won't stop refining. He won't stop redeeming me.

So, this whole "wrecking" business? I welcome it.
I wouldn't trade it for the comfort I once knew, not in a million years.

This is real life. This is intimacy. This is beautiful. 








Tuesday, September 15, 2015

heartbeat.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid to tell you what's on my mind.

I'm afraid to let you see what's really going on inside of me.

It's funny, because we aren't strangers. I've known you for years. You're my first thought when I wake up. We meet every morning, rain or shine. You even make yourself available to me throughout the day. I know you'll be there for me if I need you.

But can I tell you the truth? Can I show you my heart? Will you listen, or shut me up as soon as you realize how I really feel?

I call you my best friend. I talk about you with nearly everyone I know. I even take pride in how much of my life revolves around you.

Can I tell you something? Sometimes my words are empty. Sometimes I say things about you that I'm not sure I actually believe. 

I want to believe. I want to pretend that everything you say rings true in my ears. I want it so bad.

My heart breaks to tell you that sometimes I just don't.

I don't understand you.

I don't understand why when it feels like I'm at my breaking point, that's when you ask for more.
I don't understand why you give me good gifts but then take them away.
I don't understand why I can try so very hard to please you and still feel like a total failure.
I don't understand why you let me feel the pain when I run to you for comfort.

Why, God?

Why do I want to run and hide instead of running into your strong arms?
Why am I trembling when I clearly heard you say that "everything's gonna be alright"?
Why do I feel like pushing you away when all I really want is to love you?

I hate this mess inside of me.

Why do children go unloved? Why do people suffer horrific trauma? Why is there so much pain? Can't you fix it? Why don't you?

I wrestle to know what you want from me. Have I done enough today? Have I loved you well? Have I honored you? Have others seen you in me? Have I read enough of your word? Is my attitude acceptable?

The pressure is crippling.

I run from you. I turn away. I bury myself in the complexities of daily life.

I can't ignore you. I feel your presence over my shoulder. I hear your whisper in the brief moments of silence. There you are again, and I can't get away.

Good.

You say that you are good. You say that I can trust you. When I look around me I don't see why trusting you is my best option. 

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that if I let go, 
if I invite you in, 
if I ask you to help me 

...you will hurt me. 

I don't want to hurt anymore. My heart couldn't take a blow from you.

God, are you who you say you are? Are you good? Do you love me?

I know that I can't do life on my own. I can't lie to myself anymore. I'm just not that strong. When I fight alone, I can taste death on my tongue.

I need your help. I need you.

Would you let me hear your heartbeat over the noise of the lies?

The truth is that I know you. You are good. You are safe.
You do love me. I know this. You've told me so many times. Not only have you told me, but you've shown me. The expression of your love has brought me to my knees countless times. When I reflect on all the ways your tender love has touched me, I am undone.

Can I hear it again? Will you pull me close one more time?

Would you let me hear your heartbeat?

Bring me back. Grab hold of my heart. Bring me back to who you are.
When nothing else makes sense. When my world spins out of my control. When everything in me screams "No!"

Will you let me hear your heartbeat?

I need to hear my Daddy's heartbeat. 





Thursday, September 10, 2015

weeds.

Pulling weeds is a novelty to me. 

It's one of those mindless chores that can either be refreshing or downright irritating depending on your perspective or current mood.

Today it was a refreshing break from the mental tasks I've been preoccupied with and I enjoyed my time in the sunshine with some old playlists (reminiscent of my preteens when I discovered that Jesus music was the coolest thing ever).

I remembered a conversation I had with a close friend a couple of weeks ago involving the word "weeds." It all came about because of a slip of the tongue, which, if you know me, shouldn't come as a surprise. 

I was telling her about my good, but emotionally exhausting day. Attempting to make a comment about how much I hated exposing my weaknesses and needs to other people, I combined the two words and brought new meaning to the word weeds. I jumped on the opportunity to make an illustration and went off on a tangent about how my weaknesses and needs often do feel like weeds in my life. Most days I wish I could pluck them out, create a large burn pile, and set them ablaze, never to be seen or heard from again. 

This attitude of distaste for my weakness and neediness is one that God has been digging at and rooting out of me for several years. Ok, so maybe my whole life and it's just been painfully evident lately. 

I don't like feeling weak. I don't like feeling needy. 

Heaven forbid the reality hits me that I actually am weak and needy. 

My sense of self sufficiency is killing me, because truth says that I'm not invincible. Or perfect. Or self sufficient for that matter. 

I'm just me. 

I get tired. I get hurt. I get stressed and upset. These days my emotions seem to be riding tsunami-scale waves with tears enough to fill the ocean. My muscles are weak. And don't get me started on my faith...

There's so much that I don't know, so much I haven't learned, and so much that no matter how hard I try I just can't fix. 

So far, no amount of wishing myself perfect has worked and my effort to make it so has only made a fool of me. There comes a point when I can no longer escape the reality of my weeds and I'm good and tired of trying.

When I reach the end of myself God gives me this liberating truth: 

I was never meant to be strong on my own. 

Well, isn't that lovely. Gold star. I feel so much better now.

After the initial blow to my pride though, this really is a truth that sets me free. Free from the pressure and the fear and the striving to be (or at least) appear strong and put together. 

I can hang up the "pretending-to-be-God" hat and let Him be who He is so I can just be me. 

He's strong. He doesn't have needs that I am responsible to meet. Not only that, but He has the perfect provision to meet my needs effortlessly. 

Unlike me, it isn't hard for Him to be God. He doesn't get tired of it or need a break. Ever. But that isn't even the best part. 

Here's what's been wrecking my world lately:

God isn't irritated with my weakness. He isn't frustrated by my needs. 

He cares. 

He's a good dad and my so-called weeds move Him to compassion. 

His strong arms catch me when I finally give up the fight to keep my head above water. 

He loves me when I'm cranky, when I'm exhausted, when I feel an extreme deficit in the area of positive emotion. 

He loves me when I can't take one more step. When I'm crumpled on the floor and nothing seems to matter anymore. 

He loves me when my pride trips me and I fall on my face.

He loves me. All of me. Weaknesses and needs (or weeds, as I like to call them) make the complete package. 

At my invitation He rushes in to meet me wherever I am. 

He fills the caverns of my needy soul. He drenches the driest deserts of my heart. He infuses resurrection power into the forgotten areas of me that I had long ago labeled hopeless and dead. 

This is my God.

My God, who never ever gets sick of me no matter how many times I get fed up with myself. 

My Father, who holds me together when I feel like I am being torn apart from the inside out. 

My Abba, whose love anchors me when the storms rage in my imperfect world. 

He is good. 

With my empty hands lifted high I will bring my weak and needy self to Him to find once again that my messy heart is intimately known and loved, weeds and all. 

This really is a liberating truth. 

One that I plan to return to over and over and over again. 





As for me, I am poor and needy,
    but the Lord takes thought for me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
    do not delay, O my God! - Psalm 40:17

Just as a father has compassion on his children,
So the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him.
For He Himself knows our frame;
He is mindful that we are but dust. -Psalm 103:13-14

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. - 1 Peter 5:6-7

And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:19

He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. - 1 Corinthians 12:9-10


Tuesday, September 8, 2015

say "yes."

You face a fork in the road
It happens every day
I've given you the choice
To shake your head and walk away
Can't you see my outstretched hand?
And the pleading in my eyes?
Abundant life awaits
Hear my voice, ignore the lies
You think I want to rob you
Cage your joy and kill your fun
My agenda frightens you
But before you turn and run
Say yes, say yes to me
And what I have in mind
Don't you know I love you?
Or do you need another sign?

I won't bind you
I won't force you
You have freedom to say "no"
But "yes" is the adventure
Take my hand
C'mon let's go!
When you don't get it
When it hurts
When you don't want to
When you just don't know
When apathy's you're friend
And I feel like your foe
Say "yes"

It's easier for us both
When you don't choose to make it hard
Bend your knee
Let down your guard
Extend your open heart
Let me be who I am
And be yourself for a start
You weren't meant to know best
Don't put that to the test
You can't go your way and win
So won't you just say yes?

You feel it's killing you
To surrender one more time
But the life I have for you
Beats the one you leave behind
When you want to pull back
When you want to push away
When you want to launch out
And I've asked you to stay
When you see your own weakness
And impossibility looms
When you're too tired and too sore
When my love has closed a door
When you'd simply rather not
Say "yes"

You don't know what you'll miss
If you decide to tune me out
I have everything you'll need
So be brave, pitch your doubt
This isn't complicated
And you're weary of the fight
In my way you will find rest
Will you trust me and say yes?
Receive my will and yield the throne
Because I've made you my own
My child, I love you dearly

Won't you please say "yes"?

just laugh!

*Inspired by and Dedicated to Monica Joy*


I see that look on your face, intense concentration
So many tasks in need of completion
Questions unanswered and problems unsolved
You work so hard to see every issue resolved
You like the concept of joy, the idea of happy
But it’s a distant plan, maybe a faded memory
Just laugh, my daughter, now’s the perfect time
Let me carry your worries, remember? You’re mine
.
I authored sunshine and penguins and tunes
Have you seen a giggling baby or visited the zoo?
Who thought up whistling and who designed the dance?
Before you discount fun, why don’t you give it a chance?
Release the tension in your shoulders, inhale some oxygen
Why don’t you allow yourself to smile, become giddy once again?
I mean, c’mon, life is short, I won’t even mind if you snort
Anticipate my goodness, excitement is not a sin!
.
Just laugh, those things will wait
The world won’t fall apart
Let go, loosen up, I’m the one holding your heart
Did you see those children playing?
Do you feel the summer breeze?
Have you ever noticed the comedy found in a sneeze?
Toes are funny looking, I created them that way
A world of amusement infuses every day
Just laugh, silly girl, your frown is wearing you out
.
Enjoy the simple pleasures, count them one by one
Don’t focus on your flaws, perfection’s already been won
Yes, your mind is beautiful, but beauty needs it’s rest
Let me love on you, girl! This isn’t a test
Throw your head back, show your teeth
Your eyes sparkle, look at you!
Just laugh, little one, sometimes it’s all you can do

I dare you, just laugh
Romance me with your trust
Chill out for a while, lift your head, shake the dust
Remember me, I herald humor, it’s my gift to you
Yeah, there’s sorrow in life, but there’s hilarity too
Don’t miss out, don’t hold back, I’m giving you permission
Yeah, you heard me right, serious one,
It’s ok to just laugh

worth it.

This isn’t what you thought it would be
All your good intentions, brave declarations
They seem like a sick joke in light of the current reality
You walked in the door, you signed on the dotted line
You committed to this battle, and you set aside the time
You planned and calculated, you spent precious anxiety
You put on your bold face and braced yourself for difficulty
But this, this isn’t what you thought it would be
.
Yeah, you rolled up your sleeves, but you didn’t anticipate digging this deep
All that time spent running and hiding at least had an illusion of safety
But now you realize, the face of the enemy is far uglier in the daylight that your dreams
As the numbness wears off, the pain takes your breath away
The reasoning you once clung to falls apart at your feet
No explanation, no knowledge offers relief
As your chest caves in and the pain becomes crippling, you glance at the One who could save you from your misery
.
Why does He just stand there? Can’t He see? Can’t He hear? Isn’t He the One who’s able to dry every tear?
This God, this Savior King, Creator, Great I AM
He says He sympathizes and has a greater plan
He asked you to trust Him
He called you to walk the wind and waves
In confusion you cry out “What now?”
The only thing you feel is doubt
You want to take heart and conquer the raging sea
But you’ve nothing left to give, and your resolve is crumbling
All you know is healing hurts, and freedom feels worse than bondage
.
Don’t give up. Hold on tight and don’t turn back.
.
Lift your face to the calmer of your heart under attack
Lock eyes. Don’t look away.
O afflicted one, storm tossed, He has something He wants to say
Come close, press in, and hear the shepherd’s voice
Feel the hands that formed you cup your tear-streaked face
You’re desperate for His words as He bends to whisper to your heart
- “Worth it.” Hear Him say “Worth it.”
Every step in spite of fear, every truth instead of lie, every praise despite the pain
It’s gonna be worth it.
.
He knows that this hurts, He knows this is hard
But don’t get too mad at you Maker for allowing the scars
There’s something He knows that you can’t see just yet
He’s been to the other side, and He knows it’s worth it.
Your struggle’s not in vain and not one drop of sweat is wasted
The darkness isn’t permanent and your joy won’t stay forever dormant
Despite what your mind tells you, you will keep on breathing
But right now you need to hear “Worth it.”
I promise you, it’s worth it.
.
The battle may exceed your expectations but the victory will too
The storm might be wild, but hope anchors you
Cling to this truth when all else is stripped away
“Worth it,” He says, “and your trembling heart I’ll stay”
So look up, look up, and dare to believe
That what you’re feeling right now is only temporary
If you want to feel the freedom then you have to feel the pain, but it keeps your head above the water to know you have a future to gain
.
But, listen up, “It’s gonna be worth it” can only ring true
If your faith is in something the won’t fail you
See, you know disappointment; it’s an old familiar friend
And you don’t think you could handle meeting it again
So hold onto this when the doubt creeps back in:
You can know it’s worth it, because “Worth it” depends on Him
.
To feel His arms hold you close and His touch still your fears
To hear Him sing over you and sense His embrace catch your tears
To discover peace in the storm and see the God who walks on water
To know whatever may come, He still calls you “Daughter”
This love is worth it and this hope won’t disappoint
You will see His face
You will know His glory
So keep fighting, keep digging, keep feeling the feelings
This chapter you’re in is just a piece of your story
.
I don’t have many answers and I don’t enjoy pain
I still ask “Why God?” and feel my endurance is in vain
So raise your voice with me now and cry out “God I do believe!”
He’s a good dad, and He’ll help our unbelief
He’s proved Himself faithful time and time again
So let’s open up our hearts and entrust ourselves to Him
.
See, before we ever chose to say “it’s worth it” to Him, He chose agony, our desperate hearts to win
He’s the inventor of “Worth it” He thought of it first
Two thousand years ago He proved it on the cross
With arms spread wide across an ugly awful tree, He endured the pain
Thinking of you, thinking of me
He saw everything about you, every detail of your life
And with the joy set before Him, He lifted up His eyes
“Worth it,” He said “You’re worth it to me, my love.”

He knows the joy we’ll share when we reach the other side
To know His heart is worth it, so don’t give up the fight