don't run.

I don't enjoy pain.

I pretend that I'm tough when it comes to arm wrestling my younger brother or getting shocked by the electric fence of our horse pasture, and I do like that sore feeling after a good work out (the key word being AFTER)...

But when it comes to real, deep, dark emotional pain, I don't like it. 

Actually, my gut reaction is to run away. 

No questions asked, no lingering to test the waters, I just want to run.

I want to bury myself under a pile of distractions. I get busy. I get task oriented. I get intensely focused on anything and everything that will take me away from what's going on inside of me. 

I run away from myself. 

  ...which doesn't work. 

See, anywhere I go, there I am.

I know that ignoring and burying my pain hasn't worked for me in the past. In fact, it's only served to make things worse.

I don't want to make things worse by running from the pain, I just don't want to hurt. 

I'm learning to run to Jesus. It's a new concept for me, actually. This whole falling-to-pieces-at-His-feet is uncomfortable. In fact, I balk at it pretty much every time.

Why?

Because I'm afraid.

What am I so afraid of?

I'm afraid that if I allow myself to feel hurt and acknowledge my need for comfort, I will drown in the pain. Once I stop running, once I stop denying it, then all the sudden I am faced with reality and I can't fix it. 

I'm afraid that the comfort won't come. I'm afraid that I will be left alone to weep.

That's what I'm afraid of. That's why I want to run. 

This season of my life really hurts. I know I sound like a broken record, but I'm experiencing emotional pain at levels that I didn't know existed (and for good reason, in the past I booked it in the opposite direction). 

But through all of the mess of my emotions, I've gotten a heart revelation that I am compelled to share:

God meets me in the moments when pain threatens to drown me. 

My tears never fall unnoticed.

Underneath the layers of reasons why I run away from my own feelings, lies the terror of being abandoned and lost in the reality of my pain. 

That fear loses all power when I face reality and discover that "I have set the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken" (Psalm 16:8)

He is the ultimate answer to my cavernous need for comfort and love in my darkest moments.

He has never failed me. 

I have hope when it hurts because I believe that He never will. 

My God is big enough to handle the reality of my feelings. This is a liberating truth and I am so so grateful. 

While I feel my fear wash away in a torrent of perfect love, I am wrecked by the thought that my Savior chose to be left alone in His pain on the cross, so that I would never have to be alone.

Wait, what? He did it. So I wouldn't have to. 

I am won by perfect love.  

...

...

wrecked.

"God is wrecking my heart."

I'm not even entirely sure what that means, but I know that it resonates with me. In fact, I can't find many other words that express how I feel right now.

Wrecked.

My heart is wrecked.

"Wrecking" usually has a negative connotation in my mind. Come to think of it, maybe it's just a negative word in general. Hold on while I look it up.

...

wreck: [verb]

1. to cause the ruin or destruction of:
2. to tear down; demolish:

3. to ruin or impair severely:

...

Nope, not just me. Looks like wrecking is an ugly word in general.

Want to know something strange?

God is wrecking my heart, and it's the most beautiful thing that's ever happened to me.

When a building is being remodeled it often looks worse in process than it ever did before the designer took on the task of making it more beautiful. That's what I feel like God is doing to my heart.

In His goodness, in His faithfulness, in His perfect authority and His knowledge of my past, present, and future, He is tearing me up inside so that He can fashion me into something beautiful.

I know that sounds kind of crude, but if you knew the ugliness that my heart holds at the current moment, the natural response would be to say "Yes, please! Get it out of her!"

So this has been my prayer as of late: "Strip away everything that is getting in the way of your purpose for my life, Lord. Wreck me."

If I truly believe that He is good and that He is more concerned about my own good than I am, then I can entrust myself to His "wrecking," choosing to believe that I will come out beautiful.

My heart is messy. There are so many things about myself that I wish weren't true. So many things that I know are ugly, but no matter how hard I try, I cannot get rid of them!

I know what it's like to try to drown out the inevitable hopelessness that comes from realizing that I cannot control my own weaknesses.

I know what it feels like to stare my own ugliness in the face and just give up.

The truth that I am marveling at right now is this:

 I am not hopeless, because I am not left alone in my messy condition.

I know this to be true: My Father is able to do what I cannot do. My Father is able to transform my heart.

Right now, it hurts.

I've never felt so many emotions and I confess that at times "I hate them" doesn't scratch the surface of how I feel about my own feelings.

I can't be angry with God. I'm the one who invited the demolition.

I've never felt so very undone. So laid bare. So exposed before my own Creator.

I've never felt so lonely,
                                     so weak,
                                                    so sad,
                                                                so confused,
                                                                                    so fearful,
                                                                                                     so broken.
But here's the funny thing,

I've never felt so loved. 

God is loving on me in ways that I never imagined were possible. The intimacy overwhelms me. His presence is sweet. Yes, it hurts to be "wrecked," but I've never felt so beautiful. I have hope. Hope that He is going to complete the work He's started in me, and it's going to be awesome.

I feel His touch as He molds me and shapes me. I am vulnerable in His God-sized-hands (think BIG).

The idea that the God of the universe cares enough about me to step into my life and involve Himself in every detail is completely shocking to me. His desire is for me. His desire to for my heart.

In my desperation, my neediness, my pain, my loneliness, He is making Himself known to me in undeniable ways. I am so grateful.

He won't stop pursuing. He won't stop refining. He won't stop redeeming me.

So, this whole "wrecking" business? I welcome it.
I wouldn't trade it for the comfort I once knew, not in a million years.

This is real life. This is intimacy. This is beautiful. 

heartbeat.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid to tell you what's on my mind.

I'm afraid to let you see what's really going on inside of me.

It's funny, because we aren't strangers. I've known you for years. You're my first thought when I wake up. We meet every morning, rain or shine. You even make yourself available to me throughout the day. I know you'll be there for me if I need you.

But can I tell you the truth? Can I show you my heart? Will you listen, or shut me up as soon as you realize how I really feel?

I call you my best friend. I talk about you with nearly everyone I know. I even take pride in how much of my life revolves around you.

Can I tell you something? Sometimes my words are empty. Sometimes I say things about you that I'm not sure I actually believe. 

I want to believe. I want to pretend that everything you say rings true in my ears. I want it so bad.

My heart breaks to tell you that sometimes I just don't.

I don't understand you.

I don't understand why when it feels like I'm at my breaking point, that's when you ask for more.
I don't understand why you give me good gifts but then take them away.
I don't understand why I can try so very hard to please you and still feel like a total failure.
I don't understand why you let me feel the pain when I run to you for comfort.

Why, God?

Why do I want to run and hide instead of running into your strong arms?
Why am I trembling when I clearly heard you say that "everything's gonna be alright"?
Why do I feel like pushing you away when all I really want is to love you?

I hate this mess inside of me.

Why do children go unloved? Why do people suffer horrific trauma? Why is there so much pain? Can't you fix it? Why don't you?

I wrestle to know what you want from me. Have I done enough today? Have I loved you well? Have I honored you? Have others seen you in me? Have I read enough of your word? Is my attitude acceptable?

The pressure is crippling.

I run from you. I turn away. I bury myself in the complexities of daily life.

I can't ignore you. I feel your presence over my shoulder. I hear your whisper in the brief moments of silence. There you are again, and I can't get away.

Good.

You say that you are good. You say that I can trust you. When I look around me I don't see why trusting you is my best option. 

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that if I let go, 

if I invite you in, 

if I ask you to help me 

...you will hurt me. 

I don't want to hurt anymore. My heart couldn't take a blow from you.

God, are you who you say you are? Are you good? Do you love me?

I know that I can't do life on my own. I can't lie to myself anymore. I'm just not that strong. When I fight alone, I can taste death on my tongue.

I need your help. I need you.

Would you let me hear your heartbeat over the noise of the lies?

The truth is that I know you. You are good. You are safe.
You do love me. I know this. You've told me so many times. Not only have you told me, but you've shown me. The expression of your love has brought me to my knees countless times. When I reflect on all the ways your tender love has touched me, I am undone.

Can I hear it again? Will you pull me close one more time?

Would you let me hear your heartbeat?

Bring me back. Grab hold of my heart. Bring me back to who you are.
When nothing else makes sense. When my world spins out of my control. When everything in me screams "No!"

Will you let me hear your heartbeat?

I need to hear my Daddy's heartbeat. 

weeds.

Pulling weeds is a novelty to me. 

It's one of those mindless chores that can either be refreshing or downright irritating depending on your perspective or current mood.

Today it was a refreshing break from the mental tasks I've been preoccupied with and I enjoyed my time in the sunshine with some old playlists (reminiscent of my preteens when I discovered that Jesus music was the coolest thing ever).

I remembered a conversation I had with a close friend a couple of weeks ago involving the word "weeds." It all came about because of a slip of the tongue, which, if you know me, shouldn't come as a surprise. 

I was telling her about my good, but emotionally exhausting day. Attempting to make a comment about how much I hated exposing my weaknesses and needs to other people, I combined the two words and brought new meaning to the word weeds. I jumped on the opportunity to make an illustration and went off on a tangent about how my weaknesses and needs often do feel like weeds in my life. Most days I wish I could pluck them out, create a large burn pile, and set them ablaze, never to be seen or heard from again. 

This attitude of distaste for my weakness and neediness is one that God has been digging at and rooting out of me for several years. Ok, so maybe my whole life and it's just been painfully evident lately. 

I don't like feeling weak. I don't like feeling needy. 

Heaven forbid the reality hits me that I actually am weak and needy. 

My sense of self sufficiency is killing me, because truth says that I'm not invincible. Or perfect. Or self sufficient for that matter. 

I'm just me. 

I get tired. I get hurt. I get stressed and upset. These days my emotions seem to be riding tsunami-scale waves with tears enough to fill the ocean. My muscles are weak. And don't get me started on my faith...

There's so much that I don't know, so much I haven't learned, and so much that no matter how hard I try I just can't fix. 

So far, no amount of wishing myself perfect has worked and my effort to make it so has only made a fool of me. There comes a point when I can no longer escape the reality of my weeds and I'm good and tired of trying.

When I reach the end of myself God gives me this liberating truth: 

I was never meant to be strong on my own. 

Well, isn't that lovely. Gold star. I feel so much better now.

After the initial blow to my pride though, this really is a truth that sets me free. Free from the pressure and the fear and the striving to be (or at least) appear strong and put together. 

I can hang up the "pretending-to-be-God" hat and let Him be who He is so I can just be me. 

He's strong. He doesn't have needs that I am responsible to meet. Not only that, but He has the perfect provision to meet my needs effortlessly. 

Unlike me, it isn't hard for Him to be God. He doesn't get tired of it or need a break. Ever. But that isn't even the best part. 

Here's what's been wrecking my world lately:

God isn't irritated with my weakness. He isn't frustrated by my needs. 

He cares. 

He's a good dad and my so-called weeds move Him to compassion. 

His strong arms catch me when I finally give up the fight to keep my head above water. 

He loves me when I'm cranky, when I'm exhausted, when I feel an extreme deficit in the area of positive emotion. 

He loves me when I can't take one more step. When I'm crumpled on the floor and nothing seems to matter anymore. 

He loves me when my pride trips me and I fall on my face.

He loves me. All of me. Weaknesses and needs (or weeds, as I like to call them) make the complete package. 

At my invitation He rushes in to meet me wherever I am. 

He fills the caverns of my needy soul. He drenches the driest deserts of my heart. He infuses resurrection power into the forgotten areas of me that I had long ago labeled hopeless and dead. 

This is my God.

My God, who never ever gets sick of me no matter how many times I get fed up with myself. 

My Father, who holds me together when I feel like I am being torn apart from the inside out. 

My Abba, whose love anchors me when the storms rage in my imperfect world. 

He is good. 

With my empty hands lifted high I will bring my weak and needy self to Him to find once again that my messy heart is intimately known and loved, weeds and all. 

This really is a liberating truth. 

One that I plan to return to over and over and over again. 

As for me, I am poor and needy,

    but the Lord takes thought for me.

You are my help and my deliverer;

    do not delay, O my God! - Psalm 40:17

Just as a father has compassion on his children,

So the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him.

For He Himself knows our frame;

He is mindful that we are but dust. -Psalm 103:13-14

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. - 1 Peter 5:6-7

And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:19

He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. - 1 Corinthians 12:9-10

say "yes."

You face a fork in the road

It happens every day

I've given you the choice

To shake your head and walk away

Can't you see my outstretched hand?

And the pleading in my eyes?

Abundant life awaits

Hear my voice, ignore the lies

You think I want to rob you

Cage your joy and kill your fun

My agenda frightens you

But before you turn and run

Say yes, say yes to me

And what I have in mind

Don't you know I love you?

Or do you need another sign?

I won't bind you

I won't force you

You have freedom to say "no"

But "yes" is the adventure

Take my hand

C'mon let's go!

When you don't get it

When it hurts

When you don't want to

When you just don't know

When apathy's you're friend

And I feel like your foe

Say "yes"

It's easier for us both

When you don't choose to make it hard

Bend your knee

Let down your guard

Extend your open heart

Let me be who I am

And be yourself for a start

You weren't meant to know best

Don't put that to the test

You can't go your way and win

So won't you just say yes?

You feel it's killing you

To surrender one more time

But the life I have for you

Beats the one you leave behind

When you want to pull back

When you want to push away

When you want to launch out

And I've asked you to stay

When you see your own weakness

And impossibility looms

When you're too tired and too sore

When my love has closed a door

When you'd simply rather not

Say "yes"

You don't know what you'll miss

If you decide to tune me out

I have everything you'll need

So be brave, pitch your doubt

This isn't complicated

And you're weary of the fight

In my way you will find rest

Will you trust me and say yes?

Receive my will and yield the throne

Because I've made you my own

My child, I love you dearly

Won't you please say "yes"?

just laugh!

*Inspired by and Dedicated to Monica Joy*

I see that look on your face, intense concentration

So many tasks in need of completion

Questions unanswered and problems unsolved

You work so hard to see every issue resolved

You like the concept of joy, the idea of happy

But it’s a distant plan, maybe a faded memory

Just laugh, my daughter, now’s the perfect time

Let me carry your worries, remember? You’re mine

.

I authored sunshine and penguins and tunes

Have you seen a giggling baby or visited the zoo?

Who thought up whistling and who designed the dance?

Before you discount fun, why don’t you give it a chance?

Release the tension in your shoulders, inhale some oxygen

Why don’t you allow yourself to smile, become giddy once again?

I mean, c’mon, life is short, I won’t even mind if you snort

Anticipate my goodness, excitement is not a sin!

.

Just laugh, those things will wait

The world won’t fall apart

Let go, loosen up, I’m the one holding your heart

Did you see those children playing?

Do you feel the summer breeze?

Have you ever noticed the comedy found in a sneeze?

Toes are funny looking, I created them that way

A world of amusement infuses every day

Just laugh, silly girl, your frown is wearing you out

.

Enjoy the simple pleasures, count them one by one

Don’t focus on your flaws, perfection’s already been won

Yes, your mind is beautiful, but beauty needs it’s rest

Let me love on you, girl! This isn’t a test

Throw your head back, show your teeth

Your eyes sparkle, look at you!

Just laugh, little one, sometimes it’s all you can do

I dare you, just laugh

Romance me with your trust

Chill out for a while, lift your head, shake the dust

Remember me, I herald humor, it’s my gift to you

Yeah, there’s sorrow in life, but there’s hilarity too

Don’t miss out, don’t hold back, I’m giving you permission

Yeah, you heard me right, serious one,

It’s ok to just laugh

worth it.

This isn’t what you thought it would be

All your good intentions, brave declarations

They seem like a sick joke in light of the current reality

You walked in the door, you signed on the dotted line

You committed to this battle, and you set aside the time

You planned and calculated, you spent precious anxiety

You put on your bold face and braced yourself for difficulty

But this, this isn’t what you thought it would be

.

Yeah, you rolled up your sleeves, but you didn’t anticipate digging this deep

All that time spent running and hiding at least had an illusion of safety

But now you realize, the face of the enemy is far uglier in the daylight that your dreams

As the numbness wears off, the pain takes your breath away

The reasoning you once clung to falls apart at your feet

No explanation, no knowledge offers relief

As your chest caves in and the pain becomes crippling, you glance at the One who could save you from your misery

.

Why does He just stand there? Can’t He see? Can’t He hear? Isn’t He the One who’s able to dry every tear?

This God, this Savior King, Creator, Great I AM

He says He sympathizes and has a greater plan

He asked you to trust Him

He called you to walk the wind and waves

In confusion you cry out “What now?”

The only thing you feel is doubt

You want to take heart and conquer the raging sea

But you’ve nothing left to give, and your resolve is crumbling

All you know is healing hurts, and freedom feels worse than bondage

.

Don’t give up. Hold on tight and don’t turn back.

.

Lift your face to the calmer of your heart under attack

Lock eyes. Don’t look away.

O afflicted one, storm tossed, He has something He wants to say

Come close, press in, and hear the shepherd’s voice

Feel the hands that formed you cup your tear-streaked face

You’re desperate for His words as He bends to whisper to your heart

- “Worth it.” Hear Him say “Worth it.”

Every step in spite of fear, every truth instead of lie, every praise despite the pain

It’s gonna be worth it.

.

He knows that this hurts, He knows this is hard

But don’t get too mad at you Maker for allowing the scars

There’s something He knows that you can’t see just yet

He’s been to the other side, and He knows it’s worth it.

Your struggle’s not in vain and not one drop of sweat is wasted

The darkness isn’t permanent and your joy won’t stay forever dormant

Despite what your mind tells you, you will keep on breathing

But right now you need to hear “Worth it.”

I promise you, it’s worth it.

.

The battle may exceed your expectations but the victory will too

The storm might be wild, but hope anchors you

Cling to this truth when all else is stripped away

“Worth it,” He says, “and your trembling heart I’ll stay”

So look up, look up, and dare to believe

That what you’re feeling right now is only temporary

If you want to feel the freedom then you have to feel the pain, but it keeps your head above the water to know you have a future to gain

.

But, listen up, “It’s gonna be worth it” can only ring true

If your faith is in something the won’t fail you

See, you know disappointment; it’s an old familiar friend

And you don’t think you could handle meeting it again

So hold onto this when the doubt creeps back in:

You can know it’s worth it, because “Worth it” depends on Him

.

To feel His arms hold you close and His touch still your fears

To hear Him sing over you and sense His embrace catch your tears

To discover peace in the storm and see the God who walks on water

To know whatever may come, He still calls you “Daughter”

This love is worth it and this hope won’t disappoint

You will see His face

You will know His glory

So keep fighting, keep digging, keep feeling the feelings

This chapter you’re in is just a piece of your story

.

I don’t have many answers and I don’t enjoy pain

I still ask “Why God?” and feel my endurance is in vain

So raise your voice with me now and cry out “God I do believe!”

He’s a good dad, and He’ll help our unbelief

He’s proved Himself faithful time and time again

So let’s open up our hearts and entrust ourselves to Him

.

See, before we ever chose to say “it’s worth it” to Him, He chose agony, our desperate hearts to win

He’s the inventor of “Worth it” He thought of it first

Two thousand years ago He proved it on the cross

With arms spread wide across an ugly awful tree, He endured the pain

Thinking of you, thinking of me

He saw everything about you, every detail of your life

And with the joy set before Him, He lifted up His eyes

“Worth it,” He said “You’re worth it to me, my love.”

He knows the joy we’ll share when we reach the other side

To know His heart is worth it, so don’t give up the fight