wrecked.

"God is wrecking my heart."

I'm not even entirely sure what that means, but I know that it resonates with me. In fact, I can't find many other words that express how I feel right now.

Wrecked.

My heart is wrecked.

"Wrecking" usually has a negative connotation in my mind. Come to think of it, maybe it's just a negative word in general. Hold on while I look it up.

...

wreck: [verb]

1. to cause the ruin or destruction of:
2. to tear down; demolish:

3. to ruin or impair severely:

...

Nope, not just me. Looks like wrecking is an ugly word in general.

Want to know something strange?

God is wrecking my heart, and it's the most beautiful thing that's ever happened to me.

When a building is being remodeled it often looks worse in process than it ever did before the designer took on the task of making it more beautiful. That's what I feel like God is doing to my heart.

In His goodness, in His faithfulness, in His perfect authority and His knowledge of my past, present, and future, He is tearing me up inside so that He can fashion me into something beautiful.

I know that sounds kind of crude, but if you knew the ugliness that my heart holds at the current moment, the natural response would be to say "Yes, please! Get it out of her!"

So this has been my prayer as of late: "Strip away everything that is getting in the way of your purpose for my life, Lord. Wreck me."

If I truly believe that He is good and that He is more concerned about my own good than I am, then I can entrust myself to His "wrecking," choosing to believe that I will come out beautiful.

My heart is messy. There are so many things about myself that I wish weren't true. So many things that I know are ugly, but no matter how hard I try, I cannot get rid of them!

I know what it's like to try to drown out the inevitable hopelessness that comes from realizing that I cannot control my own weaknesses.

I know what it feels like to stare my own ugliness in the face and just give up.

The truth that I am marveling at right now is this:

 I am not hopeless, because I am not left alone in my messy condition.

I know this to be true: My Father is able to do what I cannot do. My Father is able to transform my heart.

Right now, it hurts.

I've never felt so many emotions and I confess that at times "I hate them" doesn't scratch the surface of how I feel about my own feelings.

I can't be angry with God. I'm the one who invited the demolition.

I've never felt so very undone. So laid bare. So exposed before my own Creator.

I've never felt so lonely,
                                     so weak,
                                                    so sad,
                                                                so confused,
                                                                                    so fearful,
                                                                                                     so broken.
But here's the funny thing,

I've never felt so loved. 

God is loving on me in ways that I never imagined were possible. The intimacy overwhelms me. His presence is sweet. Yes, it hurts to be "wrecked," but I've never felt so beautiful. I have hope. Hope that He is going to complete the work He's started in me, and it's going to be awesome.

I feel His touch as He molds me and shapes me. I am vulnerable in His God-sized-hands (think BIG).

The idea that the God of the universe cares enough about me to step into my life and involve Himself in every detail is completely shocking to me. His desire is for me. His desire to for my heart.

In my desperation, my neediness, my pain, my loneliness, He is making Himself known to me in undeniable ways. I am so grateful.

He won't stop pursuing. He won't stop refining. He won't stop redeeming me.

So, this whole "wrecking" business? I welcome it.
I wouldn't trade it for the comfort I once knew, not in a million years.

This is real life. This is intimacy. This is beautiful.