heartbeat.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid to tell you what's on my mind.

I'm afraid to let you see what's really going on inside of me.

It's funny, because we aren't strangers. I've known you for years. You're my first thought when I wake up. We meet every morning, rain or shine. You even make yourself available to me throughout the day. I know you'll be there for me if I need you.

But can I tell you the truth? Can I show you my heart? Will you listen, or shut me up as soon as you realize how I really feel?

I call you my best friend. I talk about you with nearly everyone I know. I even take pride in how much of my life revolves around you.

Can I tell you something? Sometimes my words are empty. Sometimes I say things about you that I'm not sure I actually believe. 

I want to believe. I want to pretend that everything you say rings true in my ears. I want it so bad.

My heart breaks to tell you that sometimes I just don't.

I don't understand you.

I don't understand why when it feels like I'm at my breaking point, that's when you ask for more.
I don't understand why you give me good gifts but then take them away.
I don't understand why I can try so very hard to please you and still feel like a total failure.
I don't understand why you let me feel the pain when I run to you for comfort.

Why, God?

Why do I want to run and hide instead of running into your strong arms?
Why am I trembling when I clearly heard you say that "everything's gonna be alright"?
Why do I feel like pushing you away when all I really want is to love you?

I hate this mess inside of me.

Why do children go unloved? Why do people suffer horrific trauma? Why is there so much pain? Can't you fix it? Why don't you?

I wrestle to know what you want from me. Have I done enough today? Have I loved you well? Have I honored you? Have others seen you in me? Have I read enough of your word? Is my attitude acceptable?

The pressure is crippling.

I run from you. I turn away. I bury myself in the complexities of daily life.

I can't ignore you. I feel your presence over my shoulder. I hear your whisper in the brief moments of silence. There you are again, and I can't get away.

Good.

You say that you are good. You say that I can trust you. When I look around me I don't see why trusting you is my best option. 

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that if I let go, 

if I invite you in, 

if I ask you to help me 

...you will hurt me. 

I don't want to hurt anymore. My heart couldn't take a blow from you.

God, are you who you say you are? Are you good? Do you love me?

I know that I can't do life on my own. I can't lie to myself anymore. I'm just not that strong. When I fight alone, I can taste death on my tongue.

I need your help. I need you.

Would you let me hear your heartbeat over the noise of the lies?

The truth is that I know you. You are good. You are safe.
You do love me. I know this. You've told me so many times. Not only have you told me, but you've shown me. The expression of your love has brought me to my knees countless times. When I reflect on all the ways your tender love has touched me, I am undone.

Can I hear it again? Will you pull me close one more time?

Would you let me hear your heartbeat?

Bring me back. Grab hold of my heart. Bring me back to who you are.
When nothing else makes sense. When my world spins out of my control. When everything in me screams "No!"

Will you let me hear your heartbeat?

I need to hear my Daddy's heartbeat.