free.

“What does it look like to be truly free?”

 Truly free? Free from what?

Um…well, did you want it alphabetically or in order of importance?

My pride. My fear. My shame. My insecurities. My selfishness. My self-focus. My confusion. My weakness. My perfectionism. My analytical mind…

The list goes on and on and on and on and…well, you get the picture.

Sometimes I catch myself wishing to be free from…well, ME.

Here’s how I’m wired, and I hope someone can relate. I gravitate towards:

Rules.
Lists.
Structure.
Attainable Goals.
Black and White.
Right and Wrong.
Control.
Self-Achievement.  

Now, while the way that I am wired is not necessarily bad… it does open me up to a world of striving and self-berating when I fail to live up to my expectations.

So, it stands to reason that if there is an area of my life that I desperately want freedom, then I want to know the answer to the question:

“What does freedom look like?”

Puleeeeeease hand over the list and the red marker to check the boxes! I want freedom, and you can bet that I’m going to do everything I can to attain to it!

Also, I confess that I crave the feeling of standing on the mountaintop and declaring “Hello, world! I am free!” (while imagining the ways God will use my freedom to inspire others).

(If your arrogance detector didn’t start blinking just now, you might want to get it checked)

Can I be bluntly honest? Freedom is so not what I used to think it was.

See, I thought f-r-e-e-d-o-m

=

(brace yourself)

p-e-r-f-e-c-t-i-o-n.

Put the pieces together: A rule-oriented person striving for a perfect image of freedom from _____.

Does anyone else see a train-wreck coming?

Yeah, me too.

“Come here, child.”

He called me to His embrace. I laid my head on His chest and the waterworks began. Waves of pressure shook my shoulders as I wept in His arms. “I’m just so tired” was all I could say. Reaching the end of myself, I finally let Him hold me tight. His love began seeping through my weary walls of fear and self-protection.

“You’re trying to give Me something that I never asked of you.”

The truth sets me free. The truth is powerful and life giving. The truth compels me to fall to my knees in worship. And in a place of desperation, these are the truths that my striving-oriented soul needs to hear:

Truth #1: He loves me no matter what I do.

My identity is not secured by my performance.

Before I ever step onto the battlefield to gain freedom, I need to know with certainty that I belong to Him, and He loves me. No matter what. When the battle gets ugly and I get covered in mud, I need a safe place to anchor my heart. I am loved. If nothing about me changes, I will still remain loved completely, unconditionally, extravagantly. He loves me because it is who He is! Not because I have attained (or ever will attain) a level of love-ability.  My actions cannot shake my identity. 

Truth #2: The burden of obtaining freedom was never meant to rest on my shoulders.

I will never be able to obtain freedom by mustering my try-harder, do-better, personality

And I was never meant to. The cost of freedom is higher than I could ever pay. Within myself, I do not have the resources and strength to be anything other than a very messy, very broken, very bound human.  The expectations I shackle myself with are riddled with pride and self-effort, and they are death to me.

Truth #3: Freedom from sin is a beautiful, awesome, incredible gift made possible by Jesus Christ alone.

Freedom is possible.

Out of extravagant love for me, God did what I could not do for myself: He set me free. I choose to trust that Jesus won the victory once and for all, and I lay the weight of my hope on His shoulders, free from condemnation and rid of shame. The expectations for self-improvement fall limp at my feet and I can rejoice because I am free.

Hold up.

How can I rejoice in freedom when the chains feel so strong? How can I hold my head up when my face is covered with mud? How can I embrace freedom when I continue to feel bound?

These are the questions I have thrown into the night sky, when the clouds hide the stars and I don’t want to choose life again.

By faith.

“God, I don’t want to keep going. I’m tired. I’m discouraged. I want the very things that I know will hurt me. I don’t even want to be around You right now!”

By faith.

“I hate the way that I feel. I hate the way that I keep falling on my face. I hate the chains.”

By faith.

As long as I continue to look inside myself for the keys to freedom, I will remain captive to the things I am trying to conquer.

In the moments where victory is impossible…

I must know that the strength needed for victory doesn’t depend on me.

I’ve learned a lot about the power of choice in the past few years. I used to view myself as a victim to my feelings, unable to resist the urges to engage in destructive behavior. I remember when I realized for the first time that I was able to choose life when nearly everything in me was screaming death. It was life transforming.

I’m still learning to choose to believe the truth when my feelings disagree vehemently. There are times that I mentally note and blatantly ignore the power of choice. But, the hardest moments are the ones where I know in my head I have a choice…but I lack the power to make it.

3:16pm

I was driving home, my mind swirling with temptation and the various options. I was angry. I didn’t care much about “healthy,” “life-giving,” or “God honoring” solutions to the storm inside of me. I just wanted relief.

Choice.

The word flashed in my mind like a yellow traffic light that one doesn’t intend to heed.

The power of Choice.

The Power of choice.

The Power…

Freedom is real, and freedom is possible, but freedom is not about Me.

In the moments when I can’t get free, I don’t need to try harder, do better, and pull it together.

I need a Savior.

“God! I don’t know the path out right now! I don’t know what to do. I don’t see how freedom is possible. I can’t see my freedom, so I’m lifting my eyes to you. I choose to believe you. I believe that you are God. I believe that you are good. I believe that you are able. I believe that the power of Christ is at work in this fragile moment. I believe that You are Savior. Please, save me!”

This is the far-reaching beauty of the cross.

Jesus sets me free from condemnation in this moment…

…and He sets me free from the power of my sin in this moment.

The combination of freedom is almost more than I can swallow. It is that beautiful.

I am free to not do it perfectly, and I am free to truly experience victory.

Do you understand the weight of that statement? Do you understand how deeply this has refreshed me? Do you understand the reality of freedom?

We cannot suffer defeat if the victory belongs to Him.

When God shows Himself victorious, He really wins.

In the moments when I can’t get free, I am free to throw myself at the feet of grace, and in that place, encounter a Savior who is willing and able to give me the power to choose freedom over and over and over again. There is no formula for freedom, there is only faith in the salvation of my God.

Freedom is not what I thought it would be….It’s greater, deeper, richer, stronger.

Thank you, Jesus.

“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” -John 8:36

-

 “Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.” – Romans 5:1-2

“So then, brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” – Romans 8:12-15

“What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.” – Romans 8:31-34

“For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world except the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?” – 1 John 5:4-5

“His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.” -2 Peter 1:3-4

“And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross. He disarmed the rulers and authorities and put them to open shame, by triumphing over them in him.” -Colossians 2:13-15

confessions of a healing heart.

“Where are you, Joanna?”

It’s been echoing in the back of my mind a lot lately.

My walls only begin to crumble when I respond.

Where am I?

This is the part of my journey that I don’t want to admit. It’s the part where I want to give up. It’s the part where the season of healing and transformation and wholeness no longer feels raw and beautiful. It just aches. It’s the part where the pain that I keep dodging turns into a dull throb and my ambition becomes more about withdrawing in fear than being loved and loving courageously.

“Where are you, Joanna?”

I’ve been in that place where I have to admit again that I haven’t a clue, nor the control, to pull myself together and keep marching on.

And heaven knows it’s easier to post it on the web than to sit down with you and hold eye contact while I unburden my heart.

My middle name is Hope. It’s probably my favorite thing about myself. But, to be brutally honest, my hope has felt badly shaken recently. As a disclaimer, I don’t understand all the pieces, so this isn’t my polished explanation. Just an attempt at telling the honest story of what one human heart is experiencing in the hands of a good, good, Abba.

 God is gentle. I feel like that truth soaks deeper into my soul with every bend in the road as I journey with Him. In fact, He is gentler than anyone I have ever met. His gentleness is genuine. It’s about who He is, not who I am. It isn’t based on my performance, but rather on how receptive I am to it. And it is always, always, His desire.

He is gentle to peel back the layers one at a time. He is gentle to bandage the wounds until they are ready to be unbound. He is gentle to respond to my stubbornness with mercy. He is gentle to wrap my vulnerability in steadfast love.

And I am finding that He is especially gentle when I reach that point in the road where I sit down in the dirt and can’t go on. When I stop desperately racing down dead end paths, and cry out “God, I don’t know anymore!”

In that moment, He stoops down to hold me in His arms.

And without a fancy explanation, or a profound new revelation, I find exactly what I need (though it’s usually not what I thought I needed!).

Sometimes, it’s just the comfort of being with someone who is not frightened by my humanness. Sometimes, it’s the relief of unleashing my furious thoughts without being afraid of hurting someone’s feelings. Sometimes, it’s just finding a safe place to cry.

My tendency is to want to figure everything out.

No joke.

Everything.

Sometimes I daydream about what it would be like to just put my brain on snooze for a day or two. For those of you who know me…go ahead and laugh. Yes, I am well aware that I do all kinds of airheaded, ridiculous, what-were-you-thinking type things. But it’s not because I’m not thinking it’s because I’m trying to think about everything at once. I exist in the day to day in a near constant state of pondering anything and everything besides the current moment. Not the best way to live, I know, so I find myself daydreaming about what it would be like to live in the moment. Hence the question…

“Where are you, Joanna?”

“I’m struggling, Lord.”

Why is that so freakishly hard to admit? I don’t know. I just know it feels all kinds of uncomfortably vulnerable.

Pretending it away hasn’t been working for me. Has anyone else tried that? Please tell me I’m not the only one. When I start to pretend, I resist the very thing my soul is craving and run to something that not only aggravates my thirst, but damages me in the process.

Someone told me once that “God deals with reality.”

I like that.

I like that God doesn’t refuse to deal with my reality until it paints the picture of what “should be.”

He deals with reality as it is. He deals with who I am, not who I should be. He deals with what’s going on, not what I wish was going on.

And, He is gentle.

I remember one of the very first times I got painfully honest with God. I was so angry. I felt that I had done everything, and tried everything I knew to try in order to measure up for Him, and I the harder I tried the more increasingly I felt inadequate. Clearly, it was an exercise in intense frustration.

I finally blurted out what I hadn’t yet dared to voice: “What do you want from me? I don’t know! I don’t know what you want from me anymore!”

In the moment I finally admitted my insufficiency to figure it out and pull it together, He was gentle.

“Where are you, Joanna?”

“I don’t know.”

This is where the healing begins. It’s a little word called humility. It’s that place in the journey where you realize that you can’t do it. You just can’t. You are too tired, too weak, too tangled up, too broken…to go on.

In the moments that I reach the end of myself, I have three potential responses (in no particular order):

1)      Complete hopelessness and despair.

2)      Attempts to drown out reality with a plethora of ineffective coping behaviors.

3)      Crumbling at the feet of Jesus and whispering or shouting “Please help me, I need you.”

(I may try #1 and #2 a couple of times before I get to #3, but #3 is usually where the cycle stops)

I realized why my hope has been feeling so badly shaken. Somewhere along the path, I anchored pieces of it in the comfort of this world.

The unfortunate reality about placing your hope in the hands of a broken world, full of broken people and broken circumstances, is that you are sure to be disappointed.

Disappointment hurts.

And you know what else I’m realizing?

Disappointment still hurts at the feet of Jesus.

Whether it was someone’s harsh words during my work shift, a painful fact bubbling up from my past, or the subtle ache of loneliness at night, I cannot escape the reality.

Sometimes, it just hurts. And do you want to know what I’m learning? God can handle that. God can handle our reality when it just hurts. He is gentle. Just as the aches and pains of this world make their marks on hearts designed for eternity, they have also marked His heart. He is not unaware or unconcerned.

The truth that is so hard to swallow at this part in the journey, is that He doesn’t always make the pain go away. And He is not obligated, or required to make the pain go away in order for Him to remain a completely good, completely compassionate, and completely loving God.

What I have been so desperately running away from during this specific leg of my journey…is this very fact:

It still hurts.

It still hurts to be human. It still hurts to hear those words. It still hurts to be lonely. It still hurts to miss them. It still hurts to fall down. It still hurts to struggle.

No amount of soothing from this world (or a polished church service) can mask the reality of my pain….and no amount of demanding on my part will force God to eliminate my pain.

That may sound like a no-brainer on a good day, but in the middle of the mess…

That’s hard to swallow.

For whatever reason (or ten-million reasons), I have an incredibly difficult time sitting still to feel the pain of my sensitive heart. In fact, in the moment, it sounds more appealing to have tea with a starving lion than look my brokenness with brutal honesty.

Bear with me. My intention is not to look at life through a completely gloomy and cynical filter. There is hope! It’s real! But, if my hope is that I will feel better in this moment, I set myself up for painful disappointment. My hope must be in the presence and the person of a good God, who is not tainted by a broken world. In humility, I will find the embrace of His presence in the midst. Even if it still hurts.

God does not despise hurting hearts. His love is strong enough to envelope the deepest wounds…and tender enough to tend to the everyday scrapes.

“Joanna, where are you?”

“I’m hurting, God.”

“I love you.”

“It still hurts!”

“I’m still here.”

...So, where am I?

I’m learning to fall into His arms

when I don’t know where I am,

what to do,

how to fix it,

or why it still hurts.

I think I’m learning to let myself feel more human…and to honor Him as God. I can’t make myself more, and He sure won’t settle for less. I’m in process. And He is gentle.

One more thing before I put this keyboard to rest: Remember that angry, messy moment when I asked God what exactly He wanted from me? He was very clear in His response. As I drove home from work today, He reminded me of it again.

 “I want your heart.”

Nothing more. Nothing less. If I only give Him my good days, good feelings, and good performance, I have not given Him my heart. If I only give Him my tears and withhold my praise, I have not given Him my heart. It is the moments that I extend my mingled reality of pain and praise, struggle and victory, sorrow and hope, that my heart meets the embrace it was created to receive.

  

I don’t have it all figured out, but I do know this: He is worthy of my heart.

All of it.

As I learn His gentleness, the question “Where are you?” is starting to sound a lot less like His frustration with me and more like His invitation for the real Joanna come out of hiding and into the exposure of His marvelous light.

He is worthy of my entire being, poured out in honesty and humility. He is worthy of my love, my honor, my praise, my devotion. Even in the disappointment. Even in my imperfection. Even in the loneliness. Even in the unresolved issues. Even in the pain.

Even in this part of the journey.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” -Psalm 139:23-24

“Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.” -Psalm 51:6

“Be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!” -Psalm 31:24

“For He will hide me in His shelter in the day of trouble; He will conceal me under the cover of His tent; He will lift me high upon a rock. And now my head shall be lifted up above all my enemies around me, and I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy; I will sing and make melody to the Lord.” -Psalm 27:5-6

“I have said these things to you that in me you may have peace. In the world, you will have tribulation. But take heart, I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33

“Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful.” – James 5:11

“Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the scripture says, ‘He yearns jealously over the spirit that He has made to dwell in us”? But He gives more grace. Therefore it says, God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” – James 4:5-8

“For He has not despised or abhorred the affliction of the afflicted, and He has not hidden His face from Him, but has heard, when he cried to Him.” - Psalm 22:24

“In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith-more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire-may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him. Though you do not now see Him, you believe in Him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” – 1 Peter 1:6-9

wash it away

hey, it’s me again.
head down, shoulders weary
to You, I’ve come stumbling

I’m pleading for help

Crying familiar tears

Dirtied by my choices and wrestling old fears

I’m dripping with the sweat
of struggling too long
I feel filthy with sin that wasn’t even mine

The mud drips from my brow

What I touch becomes tainted

and this wasn’t my intention

I wanted to come to You clean
But this messy soul is hard to scrub

The ugly stains run deep
I can't run away, but just beyond reach

I wish I could say that I came straight to You
When I first noticed dirt on my shoes
But the truth is, I stalled for time
In that lonely, muddy room

I thought I could wipe it off quickly
...Before anyone knew
But my attempts smeared the walls
A pattern I already knew

It seems like an eternity
Of exhausting my ideas
Straining for solutions
Anxiety, frustration, pain, and confusion

When I finally stop the frenzy to gaze in the mirror
My lofty perception shatters
I realize there’s something I can’t fix
Though I’ve always tried to be the “fixer”

Dirt can’t wash away dirt
Death can’t produce life
Weariness can’t muster strength
And fears collide with faith

So, Abba, here I am
Brought to my knees here in the mud
Cold, afraid, and shivering
Drenched in a murky flood

I wish I could erase the memories

I wish I could go back

I wish I had known then, what I painfully know now

I wish they had known better

I wish I had cried out to You sooner

I wish…

…But I can’t wish away the mud

Can you hear me?
Do you see me?
I’m begging you, please!
Wash it away now

I want to be clean

Wash it away now
So I can dance in the light
Let your love splash my face
May your joy be my delight

Wash it away now
Soak me in Your grace
Drops of mercy pouring down
Refresh me in Your embrace

Wash it away now
Why wait?
Cleanse me of the pain
Erase every tear-streak

I want to be clean

I come to You finally
I fall at Your feet
So please, Abba, forgive!
Wash this off of me!

When I’ve run out of words

I lift my eyes to Your face

My gaze is met with steadfast love

And You don’t look away

Wrapped up in Your arms
I am hidden in You
I hear you whisper,
“Be clean, I’ve already cleansed you”

Nail scarred hands brush the dirt
Truth pierces where I can’t reach
I remember Who You are
And what You’ve done for me

Standing before you
Peace washes over me
But the tears keep on flowing
Into muddy puddles at my feet

With eyes locked on Yours
I feel clean from head to toe
But just to make sure, I glance down,
To see what You’ve made new

Disappointment and despair!
And now I’m confused
I thought you said I was clean!
But there’s still mud on my shoes!

“My child, look up
Keep your eyes on Me
It’s by faith you’re made clean
And I’m not finished yet”

With that, You kiss my forehead
Wipe the tears from my cheeks
And though I feel vulnerable
I choose to trust love and receive

Then You stoop to wash my feet
And the surrender hurts my pride
But I’d rather have You
Than the others methods I’ve tried

For now, the task is done
Once again, You made me clean
“Don’t stray too far, My love
And next time, run back to Me”

I would promise to do better
To try harder; to stay clean
But we both know that won’t happen
After all, this is me

Head down, I turn to leave
“Wait, before you go,”
You tuck a towel in my grasp
“I have a special work for you.”

In disbelief, I question bluntly
“Are you kidding? Are you blind?
I was filthy, I was ugly!
How could you possibly choose me?”

“Look outside, can you see them?

Shivering, cold, afraid

Muddied by their choices

Hiding from the pain”

I look into their eyes
Like You, I can’t look away
My tears match their own
Heart quickened by familiar grief

Suddenly, waves of understanding
The shame, confusion, frustration
I’m not alone in the struggle
Like me, they need compassion

Years they wish to erase
Exhausted by failed attempts
Muddied walls everywhere
And no solution in sight

“Will you be my hands, daughter?

Will you stoop to wash their feet?

So they can learn to trust My love,

So they can dance in the light?”

Wash it away now

I’ve shared My heart with you

Instead of scoffing and criticizing

Share the grace I’ve given you

Wash it away now

Freely give what I have offered

Pour out mercy on their mess

Wrap them in My embrace

Because you know that muddy room,

Loving them will be painful

But, be patient with the stains

For every moment I have been patient with you 

Don’t forget Who I am

When you are tempted to give up

Your job is not to “fix it” 

But to pour out my love

Wash it away

Bathe with gentleness and patience

Let kindness be your response

To the mud on their face

I want to cleanse them too!

And when once again, your feet are muddied

And when you’ve chosen that room

When you feel filthy and ugly

Let them pour My love out on you

Rejoice, little one!
For there's no stain too deep

And no sin too ugly

No shame too strong

To wash it away

Now before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. During supper, when the devil had already put it into the heart of Judas Iscariot, Simon's son, to betray him, Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had come from God and was going back to God,rose from supper. He laid aside his outer garments, and taking a towel, tied it around his waist. Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples' feet and to wipe them with the towel that was wrapped around him. He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, do you wash my feet?” Jesus answered him, “What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand.” Peter said to him, “You shall never wash my feet.” Jesus answered him, “If I do not wash you, you have no share with me.” Simon Peter said to him, “Lord, not my feet only but also my hands and my head!” Jesus said to him, “The one who has bathed does not need to wash, except for his feet, but is completely clean. And you are clean, but not every one of you.” For he knew who was to betray him; that was why he said, “Not all of you are clean.”

When he had washed their feet and put on his outer garments and resumed his place, he said to them, “Do you understand what I have done to you? You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you. Truly, truly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them."

-John 13:1-17

not me.

At the risk of exposing some of the ugly inside that I would prefer you don't see... I've decided to be honest anyway. Mostly because this truth has given me a breath of fresh air that I haven't had in a while.

For those in my day-to-day sphere, this will come as no surprise:

I have had a lousy past couple of weeks. 

There are several reasons why; several explanations for my less than pleasant demeanor; but the bottom line is...I've been struggling. More than I would care to admit.

My attitude has been ugly. I've been self absorbed. In my mind, replaying regret, discontent, worry, and fear, like broken records. I'm pretty sure even Sunshine would testify to the fact that I have been difficult to live with (and that's saying something, considering she's generally too self absorbed to notice things like that). There's been a grey cloud over my head and it's followed me everywhere I have gone.

Sunshine (for those who don't know her delightful face)

Depression is one of my battles. And while I'm learning to walk in the light, cling to the truth, and discover the joy in the little things, some days my greatest victory is keeping my mind "above water."

Was that too real?

Opps. Sorry.

Here's the thing, friends, I have great desires. I desire to be a selfless, loving, caring, gentle, kind person. I desire to have integrity, strength, diligence, and a good work ethic. I desire to know God deeply and prioritize my relationship with Him above all else. I desire to be a good person with a good reputation.

But, can we just be real honest for a sec?

I am so not the person that I desire to be. 

In fact, I am so far from being the person I desire to be, it's amazing. When God peels back another layer of my heart and I catch a fresh glimpse and my pride, it horrifies even me.

This is exactly what He's been doing lately.

Wonderful. 

(sarcasm, in case you missed it).

When I am struggling, I want to hide. I don't want anybody to see me. I don't want anyone to know that I am not the person that I desire to be, so I try to bury myself under anything that can divert the attention from my vulnerability.

In the latest head-on with my very human heart, I discovered something. Ready for this? Let me tell you what He showed me today... 

I don't want people to see me struggle because my desire is that people will recognize the beauty of Jesus when they look at me. Sounds admirable, right? I thought so, anyways. 

But, if I can only impact others positively when I am strong...it's no longer about Him and His strength. It's about me. If it's all about Him, and the beauty of who He is, the power will remain constant even though I have my ups and downs. 

Excuse me while I ask my pride to step aside so that my Savior can take the spotlight.

The gut-honest truth, is that I desperately need Him as much as I believe others do. I am by no means superior to a single human individual on the planet, even though my pride whispers "yes, you really are the wonderfully good person you desire to be."

I am not the solution. I crave the solution. My heart longs to be filled and satisfied every single day it beats to the rhythm of this broken world. As much as I want to direct people to my Jesus, I want to elbow my way through the crowd of those same people so I can get my messy heart to His embrace where I find healing, rest, hope, and freedom. And life. Real, abundant, life. 

It's not about me. It's just not. 

And I desperately wish that I could kill the pride monster with a single, furious blow. But I can't. And trust me, I have tried. I have tried to white-knuckle and sheer-force my way into victory over this one, only to sink lower and fall harder every single time. I'm learning that the only way pride dies is submerged in an environment of moment-by-moment dependence on God to do what only He can do: transform this ugly heart into something beautiful. 

So, while I wade through the muck of a tired body, a negative attitude, a stubborn heart, and bummer circumstances, this is what I have resolved to do: Praise Him. 

Because, in spite of me, regardless of what's going on with me, completely separate from the me I wish I could patch up and present better, He is good. 

He is always good.

He is always beautiful.

He is always loving, caring, gentle, kind, full of integrity, strength, diligence, and a good work ethic. 

He is compassionate.

His strength never runs dry. 

He is wonderful. 

The God who painted the Heavens and knows every star by name. The God who cared enough about this bleeding, wounded world, to take the wounds upon Himself and bleed the price for its redemption. The God who knows every detail of my heart, every dark corner, every forgotten pain, every current struggle. The God who loves me still.

This God is worthy of glory and honor and praise.

...even when I am having a bad day. 

While I wish I could look good, perform better, act happier, work harder, be more perfect (I cringed at that one, just so you know)...I am realizing that it's far better to be honest so that when something beautiful does shine through, there will be no mistaking the source. 

It's Him. It's not me. 

And to anyone struggling with the feeling that you have nothing to offer...Be liberated by this truth: You don't. But He does. Do yourself a favor and tell the Accuser of your soul to go back where he belongs! Your strength, influence, love, and overall "goodness" was never ever meant to rest on your shoulders. It's His strength, influence, love, and overall "goodness." Not yours. God is greater than any struggle, weakness, insecurity, or pain. Including yours.

 If my frailty limits my confidence in Him, it wasn't about Him in the first place, it was about me. O Lord, forgive me, for believing the lie that it's about me. It can't be...or this whole Overcomer thing will never, ever work out. 

"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you;

my flesh faints for you,

as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,

beholding your power and glory.

Because your steadfast love is better than life,

my lips will praise you.

So I will bless you as long as I live;

in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,

and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,

when I remember you upon my bed,

and meditate on you in the watches of the night;

for you have been my help,

and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.

My soul clings to you;

your right hand upholds me."

-Psalm 63:1-8

steadfast, my love

I see you curled up in despair

In the shadow, in the night

Your hope is all but spent

Sick of waiting for the light

You heard Me loud and clear

When I first spoke that word to you

“Be steadfast, my love”

In the storm, keep the truth

Your determination, I value

Stubbornness has served you well

But, you couldn’t pull this one together

Or by your might, this giant fell

Your “try harder” feels busted

Your arms have grown weary

Fighting off discouragement

Every step forward feels heavy

“What’s wrong with me?”

In your mind repeated questions

Why does joy seem so distant?

Why is faith growing dim?

Your confusion breaks My heart

As you brace for defeat

Be still and cease striving

Lay back against Me and breathe

You think you already know

And you’re afraid to draw near

You’ve avoided being with Me

For fear of what you might hear

“Be steadfast, my love”

Was my last instruction to you

At the time, exhilarating

But now, far from how you feel 

You know how you “should” act

But, I know something you don’t

Your resolve to “do right” crumbles

If trust in Me, the waves erode

Are you good and ready now

To set them all aside?

Your preconceived ideas

Of how you look through My eyes?

I saw you “Count it all joy”

And I heard your tired praise

Every hard day that you thanked Me

Every desperate glance My way

I saw this storm brewing

And I saw your foot slip

I saw the pressure rising

And I saw your “Steadfast” give

“Be steadfast, my love”

Was never meant a lonely burden

And the steadfast I ask of you

Doesn’t equal perfection

Every moment you’ve chosen

To lift your eyes to Me

Is victory worth celebrating

On the pages of your story

“That’s all well and good,” you say

But what of moments of defeat?

When your eyes fell away

And from the path, strayed your feet?

Did you forget who I am?

Lean in and hear your Abba out

“Steadfast” you think you know

But, you’ve forgotten My heart

Long before you took My hand

Before you chose to endure

I had chosen to love you 

And that love for you, is sure

Did you know that when you whispered

“I want to give up”

It didn’t tip Me off my throne,

It only tightened My grip?

“Be steadfast, my love”

I had whispered in truth

But it was only Part One

Of what I had for you

Though your “steadfast” looks messy

Though your strength grows weary

Though you want to give up

And you get your feet get dirty

“Steadfast, my love”

Forever will be

Though you falter and fail

My love remains steady

No matter what you do

You will never change my love

So lift your eyes to Me again

I’ll hold you “steadfast, my love”

-

“When I thought, ‘My foot slips,’ Your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up.” -Psalm 94:18

 “The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; though he fall he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand.” Psalm 37:23-24

 “But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning. For you have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress. O my Strength, I will sing praises to You, for You, O God, are my fortress, the God who shows me steadfast love.” -Psalm 59:16-17

 “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” -James 1:2-4

“Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful.” -James 5:11

“Behold, I go forward, but He is not there, and backward, but I do not perceive Him; on the left hand when He is working, I do not behold Him; He turns to the right hand, but I do not see Him. But He knows the way that I take; when He has tried me I shall come out as gold. My foot has held fast to His steps; I have kept His ways and have not turned aside. I have not departed from the commandment of His lips; I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my portion of food.” -Job 23:8-12

 “When my life was fainting away, I remembered the Lord, and my prayer came to you, into your holy temple. Those who pay regard to vain idols forsake their hope of steadfast love.” -Jonah 2:7-8

“But now thus says the Lord, He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Isreal; ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.” -Isaiah 43:1

“My eyes are ever towards the Lord for He will pluck my feet out of the net.” -Psalm 25:15

“Contend, O Lord, with those who contend against me; fight against those who fight against me! Take hold of shield and buckler and rise for my help! Draw the spear and javelin against my pursuers! Say to my soul, I am your salvation!” -Psalm 35:1-3

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in Him. The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” -Lamentations 3:22-26