honestly.

*(ugly) vulnerability alert: This week has been incredibly painful for me. It's been painful because by God's grace, some things have come to the surface that I kept buried for years. During the past couple years I've been learning the value of "confession" (or, just being honest about my sin, if we want to put it simply). Both the pain AND the freedom are fresh in me right now, so I decided to give my heart an outlet on the keys of my computer. I wrote this letter to myself as a reminder of how important it is to walk in the light. Proceed at your own risk, and keep in mind that the bluntness is directed towards myself, not you. However, if my words stir something in you, I pray you find the hope and courage needed to step into the light.*

__________________________________________________________

Hello friend,

I’ve wanted to talk to you for a while, but I haven’t been sure how to open the conversation. 

I noticed the signs a while ago, but I couldn’t pinpoint the problem. After what happened today, my fears were confirmed.

You’re struggling.

I know you already know that.

I don’t want to hurt you! I hesitated to bring it up, because the last thing I want to do is discourage you. Your slumped shoulders don’t look like they can handle one-more-ounce of discouragement.

As you read on, please remember that the purpose of this letter to extend hope, not harm.

What I am about to say is probably the last thing that you want to hear, and it would be understandable if you tear up these pages before the conclusion. But, I’m willing to risk your anger, and I’m even willing to cause you pain with these words. I love you too much to continue to stand by with my hands in my pockets as you fumble to pull yourself together.

Please be brave

…and hear me out

You need to be honest.

Your life, your freedom, and your healing is hitting the brick wall of your pretending.

It’s time to let the walls crumble.

Your secrets are toxic. You are carrying death inside of you. There is a monster in you that you cannot run away from. You’ve tried for a very long time and all you have to show for it is exhaustion and a tougher exterior.

Please, please just be honest.

It’s time to let go. No more dodging and hiding. It’s time to call it what it really is.

Sin is real.

And what you have buried under a pile of self-protection,

…is Sin.

Does that word taste bitter? Allow it to linger for a moment.

The shame you feel is real. You’re not crazy. Yes, there is something very wrong.

And, maybe, deep inside, you have already acknowledged this to yourself. That’s a huge step! And I’m proud of you! But if you stop there, you will stop short of complete freedom.

You need to be honest.

It’s time to bring it to the surface.

Every attempt to erase it has failed. All your energy spent to paint it with a pretty face has been futile. Yes, you have failed. Failed to accomplish the remedy that you needed.

Wait! Before you turn away in despair and frustration with me, remember that the purpose of this letter was to give you the gift of hope.

Though your effort has failed, your condition is not hopeless.

See, God already knows that underneath your facade, you do not the ability to be the person that you want to be. He never expected you to pull yourself together.

Did you hear me? 

You have a good, good Father who is extending compassion, not condemnation for your sin. Your denial reeks of pride, and it will keep Him at arms-length, but when you admit your weakness you will be safe and held in His arms.

What was that? Did I hear you say that your sin is ‘too ugly?’

Don’t get me wrong, He has not ignored the ugliness of your sin. He has not made excuses for you. He has not turned a blind eye to your awful reality. This God, who is both holy and loving, chose to take action on your behalf.

Lift your eyes to this:

The cross was ugly.

Nothing in all of human history was uglier than the events of that day. On that day, true innocence received the full blow for true guilt.

On the cross, Jesus Christ put to death the very sin that you have been trying to bury alive.

Your sin that you have been running away from has already been dealt with. Your penalty has been paid in full, and it wasn’t cheap. It cost the blood of Someone who loved you to the extreme measure of death.

Clothed in His righteousness, you don’t have to hide anymore. Don’t you see? Because of what He did, you can step into the light!

So will you be brave?

Open your mouth!

Let the words tumble out! Tell exactly what it is and don’t spare the specifics. True freedom is found when you reach out to someone who will sit across the table from you and hear it from your own lips.

Protecting the secret of your sin from those who love you most is not protecting you. When you keep silent, you are only protecting the very thing that is killing you!

You need to be honest.

You’ve been afraid of the pain, and I don’t blame you. When you finally let it all out, when you finally confess it for what it is, it will hurt. It will tear up the inside of you and the demolition might feel unbearable. Hold on and don’t back down. I promise, it won’t feel like that way forever.

But, why? 

Why confess it if the exposure is so painful? Why not just leave it in the ground where you buried it years ago? Why does someone else need to know?

Because you will only experience freedom from the shame

to the depth that you expose it to the light.

What you need is not a list of steps to good behavior, what you need is not a new self-help book, what you need is not greater privacy, or even a greater performance,

What your wounded heart needs is to have someone hear the details of your ugly story, look you straight in the eyes, and say “I still love you.”

Someone once told me that sin buried alive will continue to flourish underground. If you want freedom, you need to dig it up. You battle will never be won in the shadows, only the light of Jesus Christ can bring your enemy to complete destruction.

This is hope.

You will not be overcome because the war is already won. When Jesus said, “It is finished,” He meant it. So get up and claim the victory, friend.

You can live free.

You are not alone. I will stand by you. I will walk with you. I will fight for you. But my words on the page can’t fix anything. You are the only one who can choose to open the door and step into the daylight.

You need to be honest.

Love,

         Me.

 “This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” – 1 John 1:5-9

“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” – James 5:16

“for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, “Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.” – Ephesians 5:8-14

“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.” – 1 Peter 2:9

“We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin... For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.” Romans 6:6-7; 10-11

 “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” – Hebrews 4:15-16

“May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.” – Colossians 1:11-4

one choice.

Once upon a time
An enthusiastic cry
“God, use me!” was my plea
To speak the truth to many lives!

I saw the need and the hurt
Deadness in their eyes
I caught a glimpse of who You are
And begged to share what I saw

The stage was empty
My heart was full
The spotlight beckoned me, step forward
To be the first to volunteer

Each truth I longed to speak
Sought to penetrate my own heart
But, impatient with them
I was unaware my own dark spots

I was chomping at the bit
Frustrated with limits
God, why don’t they get it?
No one seems to really listen

All along, it was You
Calling to Me
“Little One, are you listening?
Won’t you let Me have YOUR heart?”

Bold declarations about You
Dimmed without the spotlight
Inconsistency within taunted me
Exposure illuminated my own flaws

See, I craved the mountaintop
The passion and glory
I pursued the swelling waves
To ride on ecstasy and joy

But, I got it dead wrong
And I’m grateful to be corrected
(You’re so gentle with me
Ridding shame from my struggle!)

It’s not the “big” moments
It’s not the drama and anthems
It’s not the microphone
Or my eloquence that matters

“One choice,” I heard You say
“Will you choose Me today?”
In the valley deep and dark
And in the ordinary and mundane?

It’s not one performance
It’s not a single truth
It’s not a fancy speech
That transforms lives, produces fruit

It’s “one choice” to abide
And then another, and another
It’s one day at a time
It’s the “little” things that matter

Faithfulness is not a show
To be paraded and displayed
It’s when I say “Yes, Lord”
On the really hard days

When no one is looking
And no one else would care
My heart is what You see
Deep inside, You meet me there

I asked for intimacy
Now I’m realizing the implications
For into me, You do see
And You touch the ugly places

One by one, You spotlight them
And in the light, I am made free
For, before I can share it with others
I need You to plant it in me

Give me patience so I can tend it
As a steward of Your grace
Let me ever cling to truth
Bind it to me, lest it escape

Thank you for Mercy as I learn
And for Love when I stumble
Help me, Abba, to choose You
Uproot pride, make me humble

When my hands are empty
The microphone nowhere to be found
When my pen is ink dry
And to me, no one pays attention

That’s when I need You most
That’s when I fall asleep
That’s when it becomes so easy
To choose other things

As my “one choice” today
Father, help me to choose You
Taking one step at a time

In the dark, to whisper, “I love you."

“And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God.” -Colossians 1:9-10

“Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” -John 15:4-5

“For at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord.” -Ephesians 5:8-10

“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” -Hebrews 12:11

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This specific poem is my attempt to process as I reflect on a week away at Shiloh Bible Camp. I had the opportunity to speak to a group of 4th-9th grade girls. It was an incredible week. "One choice" is the truth that kept ringing in my ears as I stood up on stage to speak. God has transformed me (and continues to transform me), one step, one day, and one choice at a time. I am grateful for the mountaintop experience (coming down is hard). But, I am even more grateful for the in-between, the waiting, and the little choices that felt like a never-ending upward climb. God is kind, faithful, and good, all the time. Every day. 
____________________________

hope.

Your middle name is Hope

With affection, I named you

So when you start to think you’ve “got this”

Remember whose hands framed you 

No, “hope” isn’t what you thought

In your youth and ignorance

But no need to feel ashamed

In love, I gently teach truth

Let Me tell you once again

What I’ve spoken in the past

Tune out the noise and hear My voice

Treasure my words inside of you

Hope is not the flowery word

You had imagined it to be

But before you brace yourself in fear

Let My reality set you free

Hope is not a dead end

Hope is not a cruel joke

It’s a companion for the journey

Come meet the one called “hope”

Hope is not a destination

So, it’s alright if you don’t arrive

To survive the pain, you need comfort

And you need to be nurtured to thrive

Hope is a steady rhythm

When you feel you can’t go on

So, when you need it most, don’t sprint

Wait, and trust for the dawn

Hope is not a song in daylight

It’s a whisper in the dark

And when you think you’re breaking

It’s the hands that hold your heart

Hope for circumstantial change

Might be Control in disguise

So hold out your open hands

Let hope take you by surprise

Hope is what you need

In the season you didn’t want

In the deadness of winter

Hope blooms deep down inside

Hope is beautiful

But, not what you might think

Un-manicured, but precious

Found in a despised ash heap

Hope might feel messy

You aren’t doing something wrong

My ‘work in progress’ isn’t decorative

It’s becoming durable and strong

Hope is what you choose to act on

But need I remind you?

If you see it with your eyes

That's when it isn’t hope at all

Here’s My word to the hopeless

And I’ve planted it in you

Be gentle with yourself

Rest here and let me love you

Here in my arms you’ll discover

That hope is real and hope is sure

Though every light has dimmed

And life has slammed every door

Be angry, be hurt

Be shattered, be real

You won’t drown if Hope’s your anchor

You don’t need to be afraid to feel

True hope is untouchable

Unshakable, invincible

True hope won’t give in

It’s unchanging and unbreakable

“How can this be?” You ask

When deep depression and wounds

In your heart have made a home

And for joy, have left no room

Can I liberate you?

Listen close and hear this truth

Your victory over despair

Does not depend on you

Lift your eyes, weary one

Is not your battle to win

For hope your soul is desperate

So to Me, come 

For, My very name is Hope

I am Hope in darkest night

And I will never leave you alone

Nothing can keep you from Me

So Seek Me to find Hope

In the rubble, a silent song

In the pain, a healing balm

In fatigue, relief and strength

In the storm, I’ll be your calm

No, child, hope is not a dead end

On this rugged road of life

It can be a familiar friend

Reminding you of what I’ve done

And one day, you’ll blink back tears

 Meeting others on the road

You’ll speak up and share the story

How before the dawn

You knew Hope.

“and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”
-Romans 5:5

“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek.”
-Hebrews 6:19-20

“Who among you fears the Lord?
Who obeys the voice of His Servant?
Who walks in darkness
And has no light?
Let him trust in the name of the Lord
And rely upon his God.”
-Isaiah 50:10

“…we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved; but hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he can already see? But if we hope for what we do not yet see, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know how we ought to pray, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans too deep for words.”
-1 Corinthians 5:23-25

“For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.”
-Psalm 62:5-7

still.

My flickering thought
Gradually grew an idea
Curious to discover
Another way to draw nearer

You proposed and I obliged
Though I never would have guessed
A fun experiment with You
Could be a quite revealing test

Take some time to just be still
It sounded simple and clear
Turn off the noise
Slow down the pace

Tune in to hear Your voice
As I tune out others that contest
Knowing the value of intimacy
In Your arms, peace and rest

But I had no idea, not a clue
It would be so very hard
I didn’t know the noise was masking
Another layer of intimacy scars

All those things were drowning it out
This horrifying truth
Underneath my “good deeds”
I was hiding from You

I discovered the discomfort
Of just being with You
Without productivity to lean on
Or performance to pursue

I was humbled
I was afraid
I was ashamed
I was confused

My Abba, My Shepherd
I want so much to love You
Why this fear and timidity?
Why sudden difficulty to approach You?

In the silence of my heart
In the stillness of my mind
Being still woke me up
Although for Rest I took the time

Be still and Know I love you
Be still and Know you are enough
Without the striving and the diligence
Your heart is what I love

Be still and Know I’m here
Be still and Know you’re not forgotten
That I’m with you in the valley
Though you only feel me on the mountain

Be still and Know I’ve got you
Be still and Know I care
I will provide for what’s ahead
I just need your trust til we get there

Be still and Know it’s ok
Be still and Know you are small
I am big and I’m enough
You don’t need to stand up so tall

Be still and Know My heart
Be still and Know My goal
I am working for your good
And I promise I will get you home

Be still and Know I am strong
Be still and Know that you are loved
And that I want to tenderly hold you
Not condemn each move you make

Be still and Know I am wise
Be still and Know I can teach
You don’t need to figure it out
I’ll give each necessary piece

Be still and Know My joy
Be still and Know My peace
Relationship is not a race
You can just be with Me

Be still and Know you are worth it
Be still and Know you matter
I’m a good Dad
I want to set you free to receive

Be still and Know who I am
Be still and Know you are Mine
And that will never ever change
Though all else will shift with time

I sat in the stillness
I soaked in Your voice
Amazed by the impact
Of one little choice

It hurt, but it helped me
To just be still with You
And discover again
That in the stillness of silence,

I’m still precious to You

“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth!”

-Psalm 46:10

“For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from Him.”

-Psalm 62:5

“The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.”

-Lamentations 3:25-26

“For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed.’ Says the Lord, who has compassion on you.”

-Isaiah 54:10

“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.”

Isaiah 26:3

"So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."

-1 John 4:16-18

home.

Take a deep breath.

Check.

Slow down.

Seriously? Do I have to?

Do one thing at a time.

Fine.

The attitudes that ping-pong my internal dialogue annoy even me sometimes.

See, the stack of boxes lining the room didn’t seem overwhelming…until I started to unpack them. Ya’ll, I had no clue how much stuff this girl (points to self) had collected!
Congratulations are in order, because now, ladies and gentlemen, I do. Drumroll please….

Amount of stuff I own = Never-ending.

As I chatted with customers at the drive-through window this week I gave the same answer over and over again.

“Plans for the weekend? Probably packing boxes.”
“What am I doing this afternoon? Oh, I’m moving.”
“Anything fun going on? Um…well…organizing my new living space…”

My little fluffy friend (Sunshine) became extremely affectionate right around the time I first started packing boxes. Or maybe it was when the first potential buyer came to check out the house… Either way, as the moving date got closer and the room got emptier, she cuddled up to me in a sort of desperate way. I think she might have been concerned I would wrap her in tissue and box her up too.

Thud.

When the lamp tipped over Sunshine transitioned from her spot on the sofa to the bathroom counter at the kitty speed of light. I looked up in time to witness the look of shock and confusion on her furry face. Those blue eyes communicated undeniable DISTRESS.

“Awe, Baby Girl, you just don’t know what to do with yourself, do you? You are SO confused.”

Oh.

As soon as the words tumbled out of my mouth I realized that I felt the same way.

(Yes, I am emotionally relating to my cat. Get over it.)

To be honest, this whole transition thing has been really hard. On Sunshine, for sure! But, I’m starting to realize that it’s been hard on me too.

Exciting? Sure. Stressful? At times. Exhausting? Yes. …Fun? Nope.

I feel at peace and terrified.

I feel unraveled and tangled up.

I feel grateful and discontent.

I feel happy and unnervingly sad.

I feel like a box of old keepsakes that has been flipped upside down and lies strewn across the hallway floor.

Now I’m trying to sort the pieces, and it’s like doing a jigsaw puzzle without the cover picture. But not as much fun, considering my daily tasks depend on the solution.

My precious routine: Will someone please tell me which box I packed that up in? I would like to recover it ASAP!

My sense of stability: That tipped over with the lamp, I think.

My established control: No comment.

My equilibrium feels off kilter.

To any poor soul that has ever engaged in the moving process I just want to pause and say:
YOU ARE A BRAVE SURVIVOR AND YOU HAVE MY FULL ADMIRATION.

Through this whole “moving” ordeal, I’ve had a personal epiphany (besides realizing the massive amount of my belongs).

I want to feel at home.

And recently, “home” has been a very intangible and somewhat scary unknown.

That bothers me.

More than I had allowed myself to admit. 

In all the chaos of my transition, my heart has been silently crying out: Go home, Jo.

Go home to where the shelves display your precious keepsakes.
Go home to where the blankets wrap around your tired shoulders.
Go home to where the cup of tea welcomes you with a good book.
Go home to where the dirt of the day washes down the shower drain.
Go home to where the four walls have seen you at your worst and continued to stand.
Go home to where your pillow has caught your shameless tears.
Go home to where your favorite playlist fills the rooms.
Go home to where you can be yourself…and feel welcome there.

Go home, Jo.

“God, I’m tired of feeling like this! Nothing feels right!”

Oh.

Personal epiphany #2: Moving houses isn't what stirred my heart to long for Home.

That longing has been hidden in there for a long, long time.

As an infant, it sobbed uncontrollably when Mom didn’t come back for what felt like an un-survivable amount of time.

It raised its voice when I was in middle school and held the cold body of the runt of my first litter of bunnies.

It ached when my best friend confided in me her frustration and confusion.

It whispered when Goodbye became final instead of temporary.

This longing to Go home is really nothing new.

And I don't like it. It's uncomfortable. Some days it makes me angry. Some days it turns to tears. Some days it just feels restless and nothing seems to soothe it.

I want to go home!

There is something in me that just knows that I was made for more than this busted up world filled with death, dead ends, disappointment, and damaged people limping through life trying to mend brokenness that refuses to cooperate.

I reached out and felt Him take me by the hand.

“We’re not home yet, Baby Girl.”

With every wrong cabinet door I open, and every missing item I search for, and every hint of discomfort and unease I feel in my new living quarters, I remember again.

“We’re not home yet, Baby Girl. Just hang tight.”

In this world that I have planted my two feet upon, I will never find the home that I desire.

 “We’re not home yet, Baby Girl. Just hang tight. I’m going to get you there, but I need you to trust Me.”

No matter how hard I try to establish myself here, gain balance, grasp control…I will always come up short of perfection.

“We’re not home yet, Baby Girl. Just hang tight. I’m going to get you there, but I need you to trust Me. I will be right here with you every step of the way.”

Well, that’s good, because if I have to do this whole “life” thing alone, I’m screwed.

(He loves me in spite of my attitude)

So, when I feel disheveled, unraveled, wound tight, and every other disorientation under the sun, I’m asking God for the grace to be gentle with myself.

I’m not home yet.

Here lies the freedom to feel the pain of missing home. To feel the discomfort of not belonging. To feel the grace to stumble along the way. To feel the forgiveness for each wrong turn.

And to ever hold tight to my Abba’s hand.

"Hear my prayer, O LORD, and give ear to my cry; Do not be silent at my tears; For I am a stranger with You, A sojourner like all my fathers."

-Psalm 39:11

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end."

-Ecclesiastes 3:11

"But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself."

-Ephesians 3:20

All these died in faith, without receiving the promises, but having seen them and having welcomed them from a distance, and having confessed that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For those who say such things make it clear that they are seeking a country of their own.

-Hebrews 11:13-15

"For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."

-Romans 8:22-26

"I am feeble and crushed;    I groan because of the tumult of my heart.

O Lord, all my longing is before you;
    my sighing is not hidden from you."

-Psalm 38:8-9

awakening joy.

Will you indulge me?

I'm longing for joy. Craving it from a very deep place inside of me.

It's been a rough season.

And some days the waves of grief, fear, doubt, and discouragement threaten to completely drown me.

When will it stop hurting?

The night feels cold and long. I know that the morning light is coming, but it's hard to picture it right now. What does the sunrise look like, again? Remind me that dawn is certain.

I want to taste, see, and feel the good that I am told will come out of what has been bad.

Maybe this is just a little too honest to publish. But I know I'm not the only one who feels this way! So out of my determination to be honest, I want to share the truth of the burden of my journey.

I am weary.

And if you can relate, I hope that it somehow helps you feel less alone in yours. Because nobody should feel alone.

Today, joy is buried under a heavy mass of...who knows what.

So, I'd like to awaken joy. I'd like to dig it up. I'd like to remember again that my joy, though currently buried, is indeed still there.

Want to come along?

Here goes.

---

Summer is my favorite season. It's right around the corner. The sunshine soaks into my skin and I feel the warmth settle in me from the tip-top of my head all the way down to my toes. The colors outside are brilliant. The spring blossoms have a simple, effortless, beauty.

Flowers don't compare themselves like women do. They just bloom, declaring the diverse beauty of their Creator. I love that. I was once compelled to pick a white rose, and I heard my Savior say "You are beautiful to me."

Horse-crazy is a description that I will proudly claim. Burying my head in the tangled mane of a creature so perfectly displaying power and beauty is a wonderful place to be.

Money is just paper that has been assigned value. It makes me smile to think of all the ways I have found myself financially secure. An envelope in the mail, an extra shift at work, and the thoughtful gift from a friend that I would never buy for myself. These "little things" are evidence that I am in the classroom of truth, learning that God is a Provider.

I love my cat. Don't roll your eyes. I asked God "please" for a kitten, and my sassy, Siamese sweetheart plopped into my arms. And she cuddles with me at the end of every.single.day.

The text said: "You are precious." You know, the friend who just randomly thought of me on the toughest morning of my week.

The regular at Starbucks. Smiling from their car during a mid-morning rush, this customer always tells me that I'm doing a good job.

Oops. That phrase slipped out before my brain had finished editing the sentence structure and I'm pretty sure I need to review my ABC's. But it sure did make me laugh.

Laughter. Why do people laugh? It's kind of a strange sound if you think about it. And it's an even stranger feeling (if you really want to over-analyze it). But in spite of it's oddity, unexpected laughter is one of my dearest friends.

Music. Cheering, exhilarating, soothing, stirring me on a daily basis. I absolutely LOVE the unlimited wealth of music that I have access to.

Hot tea, a soft blanket, and an uplifting book.

Ice cream cones. And the ADORABLE little people struggling to catch the melting treasure as it escapes into their pajama sleeves.

Coconut scented lotion. Coconut scented everything. Come to think of it, pretty much anything with a wonderful scent. I get lost inside candle stores.

Book stores. Come to think of it, I get lost in there too. Or rather, my time gets lost in there.

Compassionate eyes. I like to search for them, like a treasure hunt. And I've found them staring back at me in the faces of strangers, acquaintances, and those special people who both know the ugliest parts of me and love me furiously.

Words that build up. The ones that breathe life and encouragement and truth into my soul. These ones always come from the pages of my Bible, often come from people, and occasionally well up inside my own mind. I love, love, love good words.

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These are all things that I've fondly termed (are you ready?):

Kisses from Jesus 

(don't laugh at me, it a hard day).

As I listed them, it helped me feel better (though you may be severely bored at this point). 

But, it also occurred to me that these things don't really "fix" the hard things in my life. And while they do bring moments of relief, this is the truth I've landed on.

Jesus. 

All the things in my life that I am partial to, stir my affections for Him. Why? Because every.single.good.thing I mentioned is a whisper from Him to my weary heart. Every provision, every ounce of strength, every unexpected blessing, and every answered prayer is a gift from the Lover of my soul. 

I love you, Joanna. I'm going to get you through this. And until you reach the other side of this valley, I will sustain you. Come curl up in my arms. Let me make you laugh again.

My joy is stirring. It's stirred by love.

I am so very loved. 

And in spite of everything else under the sun; no one, and nothing, has been, or will be able to wrench that from my hands.

God is good.
God is good to me.
He awakens my joy.
My heart will sing again.
There's a smile touching my lips.

Where is that coming from?

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

-Romans 5:1-5

Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy!

-Psalm 126:5

But the righteous shall be glad;

they shall exult before God;

they shall be jubilant with joy!"

-Psalm 68:3

"Blessed be the Lord,

    who daily bears us up;

    God is our salvation.

Our God is a God of salvation,

    and to God, the Lord, belong deliverances from death."

-Psalm 68:19-20