I've heard that survivors of natural disasters say the event changed them forever. That they will never see life the same way again. That they cannot go back to the way things were before _________ happened.
How could you after experiencing something so incredible? So uncontrollable - So devastatingly powerful?
You would never be the same, right?
I've been pondering the idea that when some things happen to you, you're impacted forever.
Marriage, abuse, childbirth, loss of a loved one, intimate friendships/relationships, a chronic illness or serious injury, financial hardship, wealth, a long distance move, and the list goes on.
It's almost as if we are continually shaped and imprinted by the things we are exposed to. The significant things we experience, good or bad, change us...
Ha.
Maybe it's called growing up and I'm just now figuring it out.
But hold on, with all this shapeshifting going on, who's to determine whether I will be one person today and another entirely tomorrow, if and when a significant change comes into my life?
There has to be something significant working within the varied shaping and imprinting of these life events. Something that is trustworthy, consistent, and powerful enough to wield results in the journey and hold me together until I reach my destination.
This year has been one full of "shaping."
In January, before I had a chance to initiate the 2018 bucket list - (or create the bucket list) - my physical health jumped ship.
For those who know me...I have a thing about being able to have a healthy and functioning body, on my terms and in my own way. I need to be able to do what I need to do without being limited by physical weakness, and I need to be strong and fit while doing it all. Questions? Good. I thought it was simple enough.
I didn't anticipate the flu.
I didn't anticipate the car accident.
I didn't anticipate the longer-than-normal recovery.
I didn't anticipate mystery symptoms and internal medical issues surfacing immediately after the longer-than-normal recovery. I didn't ask for any of this and I don't want it.
Having one of my pillars (physical health) shaken this year has given me a dose of grim reality that I didn't have before. See, I thought I could just power through...I thought I could bend my body to my will and force it beyond limits. I thought I just needed a few days to "sleep it off" and I'd be back in my jogging shoes. But that hasn't been my reality.
My reality has been limits that I don't like.
And it's shaped me.
Shaped my expectations, my emotions, my brain function (concussions do that I guess), my body, and my relationship with my Heavenly Father.
I believe God is good. But so much of my interactions with Him this year have been...well, to be honest...
Less than "warm and fuzzy."
I have seen God make life easier for me in the past. I have seen Him open doors and shower unexplainable over-the-top feel good gifts on me. I've had seasons where things just went right. I like those.
I like being a Daddy's girl and just enjoying His affection.
That was harder this year.
Because when I don't feel good physically, I don't feel good in the other areas. Can someone relate?
It's frustrating to try to read the Bible and journal when the pages make one dizzy and nauseated. (There's not a way to paint that with a pretty spiritual brush at 6:30am).
When you feel physically, emotionally, and mentally disconnected, how do you "feel" connected to God?
I want to be real, genuine, authentic, etc... with my Savior. But what if I am authentically just shut down and discouraged? Can he handle that? (Yes. The answer is yes).
My relationship with God waltzed into uncharted territory this year. I didn't anticipate what I experienced from His hand. I didn't anticipate what He allowed. Nor did I anticipate patient silence instead of soothing answers when I poured out my complaints.
"Umm... God. Excuse me. Please, are you there? We've talked about this. I need my health. I need my body to function. I need to go to work. I need to go to the gym. I need my brain...I need to feel something warm and fuzzy from YOU!!!"
I encountered a God I wasn't used to.
The God who says no.
The God whose priorities are there opposite of mine.
The God who doesn't sway His person because my person is having a personal crisis.
My favorite fictional series has always been the Chronicles of Narnia. (If you are not familiar, I highly recommend it).
This past year I've thought often of a quote from The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, where the children are hearing about Aslan, the King, for the first time from one of the local Narnians.
It's all well and good until they put two and two together and realize that Aslan is a TALKING LION - not a human.
The obvious question is blurted out: Is He safe?
To which comes the reply that has been ringing in my mind as of late:
"Safe? ...Who said anything about safe? Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."
Picturing myself as one of those shocked and nervous Pevensie children is about the best way I can think of to describe my interactions with God this year. "Who said anything about safe?"
I've been forced in many uncomfortable ways to re-examine my expectations about God and how He chooses to care for His children.
At the risk of sounding incredibly callous and pessimistic... I'd like to share something: God is Not safe the way that you think He is safe.
We typically think of safety as something that is physically tangible and/or comfortable. Neither of those things are promised in Scripture by God.
He has promised to be with you, and He has promised to be faithful, and He has promised to keep your soul safe through all eternity because you belong to Him.
But through the lens of this physical, tangible world, God is not safe. If you are counting on some sort of a promise that you will never experience physical damage or trial because of Him in your life, you're going to be severely shaken. He actually promises that those "unsafe" things will come.
Now, I know that for many of you this is not new information. It's not new information for me either. People go through tough things, that's normal. What's new for me, is being scary vulnerable with a God who allows it. I'm choosing to entrust my heart to Him, knowing that He knows full well the hard things that have come and will come.
There's something about that that sounds incredibly beautiful, but is incredibly painful and difficult, especially for someone who has experienced betrayal in the past.
To surrender yourself to a God who is so big and so powerful, and yet chooses to stand beside you, to hold you, to wait with you, instead of taking action to prevent the damage when you are suffering.
That's painful.
Especially when you have surrendered your heart and chosen to love and be loved by this God.
"Course He isn't safe. But He's good..."
I thought that I had God safely contained in a box. That in His incredible goodness, I understood what He would and would not do and how He would do it. That I could predict Him and trust Him in our relationship, because I really already knew how He was going to act.
I'm not really talking about circumstances either, friends. I'm talking about my relationship with the Creator of the universe. Even when circumstances went haywire I thought that I would be ok, if I had Him. The only problem was that I didn't "have Him" the way that I anticipated. He didn't show up the same way He had in the past. He didn't say that same things or use the same tone like I expected. He wasn't the image I had in my head.
He is good. But He is not safe.
He has not been controllable, tamable, or complying to meet my felt needs.
Now, I would like to be clear that God has not and does not and will not change. What I'm describing is not His spastic personality, but the fact that I had limited Him to a much smaller, tamer version than He is. And, well, my perspective has changed. I know Him in a way I did not before. That sounds lovely, but in reality it's a gritty, difficult, raw, and painful knowing season.
This has been my season of getting to know the Lion. "...But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."
While this had been a difficult season of getting to know God, there has been a rock solid truth emerging that increases my hope and peace exponentially.
See, we need a Lion for a King.
If we dumb God down to a friendly Grandpa in the sky, He is ill-equipped to handle the ugliness of this world. We actually need a ferocious King who's strength overcomes when darkness attacks.
He is the only thing big enough to shape, to steady, to transform, through the imprinting and shifting of this life. Circumstances will change. I will change. But as long as He alone (not my false expectations) is the source of my hope, there is a steady thread of transformation through every season and life event. He is the common denominator. And because He is the Lion, I want Him to be the one thing working within the varied shaping and imprinting of these life events. Something that is trustworthy, consistent, and powerful enough to wield results in the journey and hold me together until I reach my destination.
I need Him to be for me all that He is and not all that I perceive Him to be. For it is not the image in my head that my soul cries out for, but the living God Himself - untamable, unchangeable, unshakeable. I need the Lion.
When He is not what I desire Him to be.
When He does not move the way I wish.
When He withholds the quick fix or the easy out. When He allows the tears to fall.
When He doesn't provide the sign or the opportunity or open the door.
What will I think of Him then? Will I praise Him still? Will I still give Him open access to my heart? Or will the walls go up, afraid to ask, to trust and be disappointed?
This is vulnerability.
This is what He asks of me.
"Safe? ...Who said anything about safe? Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."
I think I need one of those sweatshirts that says,
"I'm sorry, I wasn't ignoring you,
I just got lost in the maze of my mind for a sec."
See, I like to think. A lot.
I'm in my head. A lot.
I enjoy figuring things out, analyzing, problem solving, predicting, calculating, planning, and trying to perfect strategies. It's like a hobby. Kind of.
It can, at times, be disappointing, when I have solved my personal issues, mended humanity's pain, and created world peace while sitting in traffic for 30 minutes....only to arrive at my destination and realize that it only happened in my mind.
Being someone who enjoys (or at least feels compelled) to mental gymnastics, I love the exhilaration that comes when I get that "light bulb" moment. There's something about figuring out a problem or issue that I've been wrestling with that just feels SO good!
Learning a lesson or solution or truth that I desperately need is satisfying and liberating and wonderful!
God knows this about me. In fact, I think He's the one that gave me the "figurer-outer" part of my brain, and it can be a really cool gift! (this blog probably exists because of it)
But there is a downside to that *ahem* gift, that I've been encountering lately. In fact, it might be the theme of my year so far. Are you ready?
Just because I have figured something out does not mean that I can do it perfectly.
I know.
It's been shocking to me too.
I have this tendency to "learn" something and then check it off my list. My brain figured it out, so obviously, we're done and don't need to linger on it any longer. Right?
In case you're wondering, this might work in the field of mathematics, but it doesn't work in the life growth journey thing.
There's this funny contradiction where I find myself in a place where I know I've already learned the lesson, I already know the truth, I've already been around this mountain a hundred times, and I'm still doing it wrong!
In that place, my brain can calculate FAILURE and start packing up the show faster than I can return to the truth (that I already learned) that I don't have to do it perfectly.
This is an exhausting cycle.
I write about it not because I enjoy flaunting my peculiarities, but because I have a hunch that someone can relate to this, and like me, you need a reminder of the truth.
See, God has been teaching me something really freeing.
(You'll notice I have NOT checked the "learned" box yet).
It has to do with the phrase, "the rubber hits the road."
It's that saying that means that the thing you learned a long time ago is about to be tested in real life and you need it to hold up. And, well, let's just say it's been on my mind because I've had lots of opportunities to practice said concept.
In the past, I've placed the emphasis of that saying on the word rubber, as in, the strength and structure of the tires. But God, in His wonderful wisdom and humor, has been shifting my perspective.
See, if I move the emphasis from the word rubber, to the word road, it shifts the tone.
Hang with me. Here's what I mean:
A few seconds ago I wrote: "It's that saying that means that the thing you learned a long time ago is about to be tested in real life and you need it to hold up."
Now, when I wrote that, my brain emphasized it like this: "It's that saying that means that the thing you learned a long time ago is about to be tested in real life and you need it to hold up."
Where's the emphasis? "It's on that thing you [should have] [already] [expertly] learned a long time ago.."
With me so far?
Ok, now try it like this:
"It's that saying that means that the thing you learned a long time ago is about to be tested in real life and you need it to hold up."
Where's the emphasis? "(the thing you learned) is about to be [stretched] [taxed] [pressured] tested in real [new] [unfamiliar] life and [human] [vulnerable] you need it to hold up [support] [help] [assist] [save]."
Do you see what I mean?
My tendency is to emphasis my own ability to struggle through something and gain mastery. But that's just not life. That's a lie. My victory has only ever been won by Christ.
So those lessons that I have learned, figured out, and problem solved? They weren't mine in the first place. God gave them to me. And just like He gave them in the first place, He will be faithful to incorporate them into my being as I am transformed into the image of Christ.
The rubber is, and will continue to be in the testing & perfecting stage this side of Heaven. This means that there may be a lot of pit stops along the highway. That's ok. The emphasis is not on performance for a few miles, but on endurance in the journey.
The road is long and ever changing. I will never be in the same place twice, nor will I be the same person around ever bend. This means that the terrain will ever be unfamiliar, and ever be a test for the rubber.
Let me just speak some life for a second to anyone who is struggling for what seems like the umpteenth time with the "same" thing:
-You're not alone! You're actually a part of quite a large group of travelers who feel exhausted and discouraged by the journey at times. There is nothing wrong with you. The disconnect between knowledge and behavior isn't unique to you. You're quite human and that's ok.
-You've never been here before. This is a new stretch of road. I don't care how similar your circumstances or struggles seem to be, you are not the same person you were 3 years ago, or 30 years ago. What you are facing now is new and challenging. You may have learned how to win the last battle, but this one might require additional or different strategies because it's on a different battlefield. Be open to that.
- Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself permission to keep learning and never "check the box." Life is about a journey and a bigger picture. Your idea of "successful victory" might not be realistic, or even what God has in mind. Be kind to yourself when you fall short of your expectations. Besides, I've actually never been able to get up faster by kicking myself while I'm down, and I have a hunch you won't either.
The hilarious thing about this blog post, is that these are truths that God has been teaching me for a very long time, and yet I still blunder the practice of them often. So I need the reminder constantly myself! Ironic, huh?
My challenge to you is to ask yourself three questions:
1) what lessons or truths are being tested in my present circumstances?
2) how are my present circumstances different from past circumstances?
and finally,
3) how are the lessons and truths being tested differently in my present circumstances than they have been before?
I promise, if you grab a pen and paper and give yourself adequate time to invite God's input, you won't come up empty...And you might even come away encouraged!
After all, you're miles beyond where you were last time.
"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." - Philippians 1:6
"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another.For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit."
- 2 Corinthians 3:17-18
"For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified." - Hebrews 10:14
"Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant,equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen."
It's been churning in the inner recesses of my heart during the past several months.
What am I supposed to do when I realize that life isn't turning out the way that I thought it would? ...Hoped it would? Planned it would?
Well, typically a little voice stands up inside and introduces itself as my BFF and lays out the strategy to fix the chaotic situation.
I have a name for this little voice, though it usually takes me a while to recognize it.
See, Control and I are old friends.
Control has comforted me when my world was spinning. Control has given me a to do list when I felt helpless to do anything. Control has fed my self confidence when I felt like a failure. Control has distracted me from deep pain and real danger. Control has blindfolded me to reality, per my invitation.
Yes, Control is an old friend.
The problem is,
Control is a liar.
Control makes promises that it can't keep, and then blames me for coming up empty handed. Control demands too much of me, all the while chanting that I will fail. Control only consoles me when I refuse to feel pain. Control is far more concerned with protecting itself, than protecting me.
By the time I realize the familiar betrayal, I'm usually sitting in the rubble of my heart, desperately wishing I could undo the consequences.
I'm reminded again that there is only room for One King of my heart.
There's a King who comforts me when my world is spinning, even if I'm the one who tipped the globe. This King lifts the to-do list from my shoulders and calls me to rest my head on His. This King fills my desperate need for identity and unconditional love, regardless of my failure. This King deals with my deep pain and real danger, head on. This King does not shield me from reality, He meets me in the middle of it.
For a control freak, facing reality head on can be excruciating.
Why? Why is it so hard to open up my hands and let Him be the King? After all, He is a good King. He is much kinder than Control. His expectations are perfect, His demands are not burdensome, and He actually mends and heals my heart instead of ignoring the wounds. Why would it be so hard for me give up Control and let the real King rule?
What holds me back? I'm not entirely sure.
But, I do think that it has to do with Control's neighbor:
Fear
I personally think that Fear is Control's personal trainer.
Fear tells Control that no one will love the real me.
Fear tells Control that the pain will kill me.
Fear tells Control that there is no other option.
Fear tells Control that I'm all alone.
Fear tells Control that I will lose everything.
Fear tells Control that no matter what, I cannot LET GO.
Why? Well, because Fear is afraid. It just can't help itself.
Fear isn't such bad company to have around, except when Fear starts bossing around Control. That's when I get in trouble.
See, the only One who should be allowed to boss around Control in my heart is Jesus. Otherwise this whole parade of abundant life comes to a screeching halt.
Welcome to my messy heart.
In the rubble, I have made a discovery:
Control doesn't permit an imperfect reality, because Fear is afraid the reality will slay me.
I tip my hat to them both, because in a way, they're right.
I am weak, helpless, fragile, vulnerable, wounded, flawed...I mean, c'mon, what chance do I have in a world of harsh reality??? To have even the hint of a pure and tender heart, that is open to love and be loved, would be to invite destruction.
What other choice do I have, but to cling to Control and cave to Fear?
Most of us have a default setting when the pressure builds. Fear and Control are my default settings...I don't know what yours are. But I've noticed that most human defaults sound something likethis: "I've got this, God! I don't need You to step in, thanks!"
But God never asked us to pull it together and brave it alone...in fact, there's a name for that and it starts with the letter P-R-I-D-E. Actually, like most of the things He asks of us, His command is counter-intuitive.
It's faith.
He calls me to trust Him, when it's the last thing I want to do.
"I know what I'm doing, Joanna."
"But nothing about this feels OK! This isn't what I wanted! You're doing it wrong!"
I can't change my reality, I can only respond to it. (And for the record, control and denial are NOT legitimate responses.) I've worn myself ragged trying to do both simultaneously. True to form, that's landed me no where good. It's only when I stop kicking and screaming about it that I can embark on a journey to accept it...and then move through it to the other side.
"I miss You."
It was as if I woke up suddenly and realized I had fallen asleep in the wrong home. I looked around, and my heart broke. Not sure when or how I ended up here, all I knew is I wanted out. This was all too familiar. I was curled up in the fetal position, Fear held me tight while Control paced by the door.
"I miss You."
What am I supposed to do when I realize that life isn't turning out the way that I thought it would? Hoped it would? Planned it would?
"Look at Me."
It's not what I expected to hear. It's not what I would have prescribed. But it was exactly what this messy heart needed to hear.
"You can't see what I see, so instead of looking at the storm, I want you to Look at Me."
I can choose to tighten my grip, or, I can open my hands and release my ideal.
I have to decide what I want more than anything else. I have to decide if my desire for Control is worth missing out on the beauty of sweet friendship with my Savior. I have to choose who will Captain my soul when the waves get choppy.
I have to decide what matters most to me..and today, I choose Him.
Open my hands, Abba.
Take the Control; Speak to my Fear.
I want You.
After all, there is only room for One King in my heart.
"He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of
all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth,
visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or
authorities—all things were created through him and for him. And he is before
all things, and in him all things hold together."
-Colossians 1:15-17
"Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go?
You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to
know, that you are the Holy One of God.”
-John 6:68-67
"He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and
walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid,
and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached
out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why
did you doubt?”
-Matthew 14:29-31
"I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you
in my prayers, that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may
give you the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, having
the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to
which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the
saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who
believe, according to the working of his great might that he worked in Christ
when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the
heavenly places, far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and
above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to
come. And he put all things under his feet and gave him as head over all things
to the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills all in
all."
As I blow the dust off this
keyboard I feel the ache in my chest.
Weary.
My heart is weary.
I could wait until I have a
pretty bow to tie this up for you, but…that just wouldn’t be real. And if there
is one thing I have been learning lately, it is that real human is exactly what I am.
And real human… well, human feels
real hard right now.
Every human has a story. Some of
you know pieces of mine.
The funny thing about sharing
one’s own human story, is that the story isn’t over yet. There is no grand conclusion yet. There is no happy ending yet.
There is no perfect resolution yet.
And for a major control freak and
minor perfectionist, that’s an uncomfortable realization.
I feel like God dipped his quill
in the ink and started writing on the pages of my heart again. Maybe He never
stopped, and I just quit paying attention. Either way, the theme of the story shifted
at some point into something that I know feels entirely too real and too raw to
put into words.
…So, like a real genius who
processes through writing, I’m taking a shot at it anyways.
Maybe I thought I had it figured
out. Maybe I thought I knew it all. Maybe I tried too hard. Maybe I didn’t try
hard enough. Maybe... it doesn’t matter anymore.
Because this is where I find
myself whether I want to be here or not.
Reality
just hurts sometimes.
Remember when you were little and
you collided with another kid on the playing field and got the wind knocked out
of you? Remember that feeling of sheer terror and helplessness as you stared
blankly at the blue sky and thought to yourself “BREATHE!”
Yep.
I think life knocked the wind out
of me.
Except life is much bigger than
the average 4th grader and breathing becomes harder when the blow
has reached your heart. Can anyone relate?
Just when you thought you were
catching your breath,
just when you thought you found traction,
just when you thought you were ready to get back in the ring to fight again, another blow, and down you went.
I’ve learned a lot of valuable
lessons down on the floor.
I
have yet to figure this one out.
In the middle of the mess,
In the middle of the pain,
In the middle of the I-don’t-know,
and the not-finished-yet…
“I need you to hold me.”
Curled up in the fetal position
in my car.
Trying to sleep on someone else’s
couch.
Leaning my head against the
bathroom wall.
Hold me.
Please don’t let me go! If I ever needed You,
it’s now. Abba, where are you? What am I doing? What have I done?
Hold me.
My brain is tired and I can’t hold on
anymore. I can’t make sense of this and I don’t care. I don’t even want to
figure it out and we both know that’s not normal.
Hold me.
My hands are shaking. My head is pounding.
The tears won’t come and then they won’t stop coming. I’m wide awake but so
very tired.
It just hurts.
He’s there.
I can’t hear Him. I can’t see
Him. I can’t even feel Him.
But He’s there.
He’s there as I lean my weary
head back, picturing myself held against His chest.
My Lord promised that He would not let me
go.
So this is where I will camp.
This is where I will stay. This is where I will hide until the storm passes by.
Because, human? Well, that’s what I am. And to be human
means that I desperately need to be held together by Someone greater than me.
Abba,
I can’t hold it together, I need You to hold
me.
There has been a whole lot of me
trying to wrestle my way out of His arms so that I can do it on my own. There’s
only one problem with that attempt:
I can’t do it on my own.
(It’s one of those floor life-lessons.)
When I finally cave,
when I finally let the walls start to crumble,
when I finally yield,
when I finally lower my boxing gloves…
I realize that it feels so good to be
held.
That maybe, just maybe, being held is what this frightened soul needs
more than anything else.
More than figuring it out. More
than undoing the past. More than cleaning up the messes. More than fixing what
is broken. More than regaining control. More than obtaining victory. Even more than mending the hurt.
Hold me.
I need You to hold me.
I can’t do this alone.
You designed this messy soul and know me
inside and out. You understand even when I don’t.
You love me. You’re here. You care.
So, hold me tight against Your chest. Never
let me go.
When I push you away, when I forget your
Name, when I take a wrong turn, when my feelings ebb and flow...Abba, please
hold me and don’t let me go.
Whisper in my ear, remind me who I am. Take
me to that precious place where You’re my only love again. Wipe away the tears
or leave them streaming down my cheeks. I don’t care either way as long as you
hold me close.
I’ve chosen to trust You. Where else could I go?
I guess one beauty of the floor
is that there’s nowhere left to fall…so, it’s a good place to rest.
I’m asking God to love on me here
in a new way. I don’t want this human story to be wasted. Since I found myself
here, I want to get to know Him more here.Not because I want to be here (I don’t), but because I just need to know Him more.
This chapter is requiring more of
me than the last one did, and since there is none of me that has anything left
to give, that means it’s requiring me to depend on more of HIM.
I don’t know what kind of page
you’re on in your story right now. I haven’t found a title for mine yet, come
to think of it. But if you can relate to any of this I just want to say: You’re
not alone.
You need to know that you’re not alone.
I need to know that I’m not alone.
It’s not always going to feel
this devastating and it’s not always going to feel this difficult. But maybe
right now, it just hurts.
And while you wait for the storm
to pass, whether it’s a week from now or 40 years down the road, will you join me?
Will you invite Him to hold you right
here? To love you right here?
I hope
you will.
Even as I stand with shaking hands, catching one breath at a time, trying to choose to let love win my heart, being held together by the same strong arms.
"I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand."
- John 10:29
"For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together."
- Colossians 1:16-17
...he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
- Hebrews 13:5
"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Um…well, did you want it alphabetically or in order of importance?
My pride. My fear. My shame. My insecurities. My
selfishness. My self-focus. My confusion. My weakness. My perfectionism. My
analytical mind…
The list goes on and on and on and on and…well, you get the picture.
Sometimes I catch myself wishing to be free from…well, ME.
Here’s how I’m wired, and I hope someone can relate. I
gravitate towards:
Rules.
Lists.
Structure.
Attainable Goals.
Black and White.
Right and Wrong.
Control.
Self-Achievement.
Now, while the way that I am wired is not necessarily bad… it does open me up to a world of
striving and self-berating when I fail to live up to my expectations.
So, it stands to reason that if there is an area of my life
that I desperately want freedom, then I want to know the answer to the
question:
“What does freedom look like?”
Puleeeeeease hand over the list and the red marker to check
the boxes! I want freedom, and you can bet that I’m going to do everything I
can to attain to it!
Also, I confess that I
crave the feeling of standing on the mountaintop and declaring “Hello, world! I am free!” (while
imagining the ways God will use my
freedom to inspire others).
(If your arrogance detector didn’t start blinking just now, you might
want to get it checked)
Can I be bluntly honest? Freedom is so not what I used to think it was.
See, I thought
f-r-e-e-d-o-m
=
(brace yourself)
p-e-r-f-e-c-t-i-o-n.
Put the pieces together: A rule-oriented person striving for
a perfect image of freedom from _____.
Does anyone else see a train-wreck coming?
Yeah, me too.
“Come here, child.”
He called me to His embrace. I
laid my head on His chest and the waterworks began. Waves of pressure shook my
shoulders as I wept in His arms. “I’m just so tired” was all I could
say. Reaching the end of myself, I finally let Him hold me tight. His love
began seeping through my weary walls of fear and self-protection.
“You’re trying to give Me
something that I never asked of you.”
The truth sets me free. The truth is powerful and life
giving. The truth compels me to fall to my knees in worship. And in a place of
desperation, these are the truths that my striving-oriented soul needs to hear:
Truth #1: He loves me no matter what I do.
My identity is not secured by my performance.
Before I ever step onto the battlefield to gain freedom, I
need to know with certainty that I belong to Him, and He loves me. No matter what. When the battle gets
ugly and I get covered in mud, I need a safe place to anchor my heart. I am loved. If nothing about me changes,
I will still remain loved completely, unconditionally, extravagantly. He loves
me because it is who He is! Not because I have attained (or ever will attain) a
level of love-ability. My actions cannot
shake my identity.
Truth #2: The burden of obtaining freedom was never
meant to rest on my shoulders.
I will never be able to obtain freedom by mustering my try-harder,
do-better, personality
And I was never meant
to. The cost of freedom is higher than I could ever pay. Within myself, I
do not have the resources and strength to be anything other than a very
messy, very broken, very bound human. The expectations I shackle myself with are
riddled with pride and self-effort, and they are death to me.
Truth #3: Freedom from sin is a beautiful, awesome,
incredible gift made possible by
Jesus Christ alone.
Freedom is possible.
Out of extravagant
love for me, God did what I could not do for myself: He set me free.I choose to trust that Jesus won the
victory once and for all, and I lay the weight of my hope on His shoulders,
free from condemnation and rid of shame. The expectations for self-improvement fall
limp at my feet and I can rejoice because I
am free.
Hold up.
How can I rejoice in
freedom when the chains feel so strong? How can I hold my head up when my face
is covered with mud? How can I embrace freedom when I continue to feel bound?
These are the questions I have thrown into the night sky,
when the clouds hide the stars and I don’t want to choose life again.
By faith.
“God, I don’t want to keep going.
I’m tired. I’m discouraged. I want the very things that I know will hurt me. I
don’t even want to be around You right now!”
By faith.
“I hate the way that I feel. I
hate the way that I keep falling on my face. I hate the chains.”
By faith.
As long as I continue to look inside myself for the keys to
freedom, I will remain captive to the things I am trying to conquer.
In the moments where victory is impossible…
I must know that the strength needed for victory doesn’t depend on me.
I’ve learned a lot about the
power of choice in the past few years. I used to view myself as a victim to
my feelings, unable to resist the urges to engage in destructive behavior. I
remember when I realized for the first time that I was able to choose life when
nearly everything in me was screaming death. It was life transforming.
I’m still learning to choose to believe the truth when my
feelings disagree vehemently. There are times that I mentally note and
blatantly ignore the power of choice. But, the hardest moments are the ones where
I know in my head I have a choice…but I
lack the power to make it.
3:16pm
I was driving home, my mind
swirling with temptation and the various options. I was angry. I didn’t care
much about “healthy,” “life-giving,” or “God honoring” solutions to the storm
inside of me. I just wanted relief.
Choice.
The word flashed in my mind like
a yellow traffic light that one doesn’t intend to heed.
The power of Choice.
The Power of choice.
The Power…
Freedom is real, and freedom is possible, but freedom is not about Me.
In the moments when I can’t get free, I don’t need to try
harder, do better, and pull it together.
I need a Savior.
“God! I don’t know the path out
right now! I don’t know what to do. I don’t see how freedom is possible. I can’t
see my freedom, so I’m lifting my eyes to you. I choose to believe you. I
believe that you are God. I believe that you are good. I believe that you are
able. I believe that the power of Christ is at work in this fragile moment. I
believe that You are Savior. Please, save me!”
This is the far-reaching
beauty of the cross.
Jesus sets me free from condemnation in
this moment…
…and He sets me free from
the power of my sin in this moment.
The combination of
freedom is almost more than I can swallow. It is that beautiful.
I am free to not do it
perfectly, and I am free to truly experience victory.
Do you understand the weight of that statement? Do you
understand how deeply this has refreshed me? Do you understand the reality of freedom?
We cannot suffer defeat if the victory belongs to Him.
When God shows Himself victorious, He really wins.
In the moments when I can’t get free, I am free to throw myself at the feet of grace, and in that place, encounter a Savior who is willing and
able to give me the power to choose freedom over and over and over
again. There is no formula for freedom, there is only faith in the salvation of
my God.
Freedom is not what I thought it would be….It’s greater, deeper,
richer, stronger.
Thank you, Jesus.
“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” -John 8:36
-
“Therefore, since we have been justified by
faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through
him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in
which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.” –
Romans 5:1-2
“So then, brothers, we
are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. For if
you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put
to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by
the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the
spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption
as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” – Romans 8:12-15
“What then shall we
say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who
did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also
with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against
God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus
is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of
God, who indeed is interceding for us.” – Romans 8:31-34
“For everyone
who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has
overcome the world—our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world except
the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?” – 1 John 5:4-5
“His divine power has
granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the
knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by
which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that
through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having
escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.” -2
Peter 1:3-4
“And you, who were
dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made
alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the
record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside,
nailing it to the cross. He disarmed the rulers and authorities and put
them to open shame, by triumphing over them in him.” -Colossians 2:13-15
