not me.

At the risk of exposing some of the ugly inside that I would prefer you don't see... I've decided to be honest anyway. Mostly because this truth has given me a breath of fresh air that I haven't had in a while.

For those in my day-to-day sphere, this will come as no surprise:

I have had a lousy past couple of weeks. 

There are several reasons why; several explanations for my less than pleasant demeanor; but the bottom line is...I've been struggling. More than I would care to admit.

My attitude has been ugly. I've been self absorbed. In my mind, replaying regret, discontent, worry, and fear, like broken records. I'm pretty sure even Sunshine would testify to the fact that I have been difficult to live with (and that's saying something, considering she's generally too self absorbed to notice things like that). There's been a grey cloud over my head and it's followed me everywhere I have gone.

Sunshine (for those who don't know her delightful face)

Depression is one of my battles. And while I'm learning to walk in the light, cling to the truth, and discover the joy in the little things, some days my greatest victory is keeping my mind "above water."

Was that too real?

Opps. Sorry.

Here's the thing, friends, I have great desires. I desire to be a selfless, loving, caring, gentle, kind person. I desire to have integrity, strength, diligence, and a good work ethic. I desire to know God deeply and prioritize my relationship with Him above all else. I desire to be a good person with a good reputation.

But, can we just be real honest for a sec?

I am so not the person that I desire to be. 

In fact, I am so far from being the person I desire to be, it's amazing. When God peels back another layer of my heart and I catch a fresh glimpse and my pride, it horrifies even me.

This is exactly what He's been doing lately.

Wonderful. 

(sarcasm, in case you missed it).

When I am struggling, I want to hide. I don't want anybody to see me. I don't want anyone to know that I am not the person that I desire to be, so I try to bury myself under anything that can divert the attention from my vulnerability.

In the latest head-on with my very human heart, I discovered something. Ready for this? Let me tell you what He showed me today... 

I don't want people to see me struggle because my desire is that people will recognize the beauty of Jesus when they look at me. Sounds admirable, right? I thought so, anyways. 

But, if I can only impact others positively when I am strong...it's no longer about Him and His strength. It's about me. If it's all about Him, and the beauty of who He is, the power will remain constant even though I have my ups and downs. 

Excuse me while I ask my pride to step aside so that my Savior can take the spotlight.

The gut-honest truth, is that I desperately need Him as much as I believe others do. I am by no means superior to a single human individual on the planet, even though my pride whispers "yes, you really are the wonderfully good person you desire to be."

I am not the solution. I crave the solution. My heart longs to be filled and satisfied every single day it beats to the rhythm of this broken world. As much as I want to direct people to my Jesus, I want to elbow my way through the crowd of those same people so I can get my messy heart to His embrace where I find healing, rest, hope, and freedom. And life. Real, abundant, life. 

It's not about me. It's just not. 

And I desperately wish that I could kill the pride monster with a single, furious blow. But I can't. And trust me, I have tried. I have tried to white-knuckle and sheer-force my way into victory over this one, only to sink lower and fall harder every single time. I'm learning that the only way pride dies is submerged in an environment of moment-by-moment dependence on God to do what only He can do: transform this ugly heart into something beautiful. 

So, while I wade through the muck of a tired body, a negative attitude, a stubborn heart, and bummer circumstances, this is what I have resolved to do: Praise Him. 

Because, in spite of me, regardless of what's going on with me, completely separate from the me I wish I could patch up and present better, He is good. 

He is always good.

He is always beautiful.

He is always loving, caring, gentle, kind, full of integrity, strength, diligence, and a good work ethic. 

He is compassionate.

His strength never runs dry. 

He is wonderful. 

The God who painted the Heavens and knows every star by name. The God who cared enough about this bleeding, wounded world, to take the wounds upon Himself and bleed the price for its redemption. The God who knows every detail of my heart, every dark corner, every forgotten pain, every current struggle. The God who loves me still.

This God is worthy of glory and honor and praise.

...even when I am having a bad day. 

While I wish I could look good, perform better, act happier, work harder, be more perfect (I cringed at that one, just so you know)...I am realizing that it's far better to be honest so that when something beautiful does shine through, there will be no mistaking the source. 

It's Him. It's not me. 

And to anyone struggling with the feeling that you have nothing to offer...Be liberated by this truth: You don't. But He does. Do yourself a favor and tell the Accuser of your soul to go back where he belongs! Your strength, influence, love, and overall "goodness" was never ever meant to rest on your shoulders. It's His strength, influence, love, and overall "goodness." Not yours. God is greater than any struggle, weakness, insecurity, or pain. Including yours.

 If my frailty limits my confidence in Him, it wasn't about Him in the first place, it was about me. O Lord, forgive me, for believing the lie that it's about me. It can't be...or this whole Overcomer thing will never, ever work out. 

"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you;

my flesh faints for you,

as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,

beholding your power and glory.

Because your steadfast love is better than life,

my lips will praise you.

So I will bless you as long as I live;

in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,

and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,

when I remember you upon my bed,

and meditate on you in the watches of the night;

for you have been my help,

and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.

My soul clings to you;

your right hand upholds me."

-Psalm 63:1-8

steadfast, my love

I see you curled up in despair

In the shadow, in the night

Your hope is all but spent

Sick of waiting for the light

You heard Me loud and clear

When I first spoke that word to you

“Be steadfast, my love”

In the storm, keep the truth

Your determination, I value

Stubbornness has served you well

But, you couldn’t pull this one together

Or by your might, this giant fell

Your “try harder” feels busted

Your arms have grown weary

Fighting off discouragement

Every step forward feels heavy

“What’s wrong with me?”

In your mind repeated questions

Why does joy seem so distant?

Why is faith growing dim?

Your confusion breaks My heart

As you brace for defeat

Be still and cease striving

Lay back against Me and breathe

You think you already know

And you’re afraid to draw near

You’ve avoided being with Me

For fear of what you might hear

“Be steadfast, my love”

Was my last instruction to you

At the time, exhilarating

But now, far from how you feel 

You know how you “should” act

But, I know something you don’t

Your resolve to “do right” crumbles

If trust in Me, the waves erode

Are you good and ready now

To set them all aside?

Your preconceived ideas

Of how you look through My eyes?

I saw you “Count it all joy”

And I heard your tired praise

Every hard day that you thanked Me

Every desperate glance My way

I saw this storm brewing

And I saw your foot slip

I saw the pressure rising

And I saw your “Steadfast” give

“Be steadfast, my love”

Was never meant a lonely burden

And the steadfast I ask of you

Doesn’t equal perfection

Every moment you’ve chosen

To lift your eyes to Me

Is victory worth celebrating

On the pages of your story

“That’s all well and good,” you say

But what of moments of defeat?

When your eyes fell away

And from the path, strayed your feet?

Did you forget who I am?

Lean in and hear your Abba out

“Steadfast” you think you know

But, you’ve forgotten My heart

Long before you took My hand

Before you chose to endure

I had chosen to love you 

And that love for you, is sure

Did you know that when you whispered

“I want to give up”

It didn’t tip Me off my throne,

It only tightened My grip?

“Be steadfast, my love”

I had whispered in truth

But it was only Part One

Of what I had for you

Though your “steadfast” looks messy

Though your strength grows weary

Though you want to give up

And you get your feet get dirty

“Steadfast, my love”

Forever will be

Though you falter and fail

My love remains steady

No matter what you do

You will never change my love

So lift your eyes to Me again

I’ll hold you “steadfast, my love”

-

“When I thought, ‘My foot slips,’ Your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up.” -Psalm 94:18

 “The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; though he fall he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand.” Psalm 37:23-24

 “But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning. For you have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress. O my Strength, I will sing praises to You, for You, O God, are my fortress, the God who shows me steadfast love.” -Psalm 59:16-17

 “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” -James 1:2-4

“Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful.” -James 5:11

“Behold, I go forward, but He is not there, and backward, but I do not perceive Him; on the left hand when He is working, I do not behold Him; He turns to the right hand, but I do not see Him. But He knows the way that I take; when He has tried me I shall come out as gold. My foot has held fast to His steps; I have kept His ways and have not turned aside. I have not departed from the commandment of His lips; I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my portion of food.” -Job 23:8-12

 “When my life was fainting away, I remembered the Lord, and my prayer came to you, into your holy temple. Those who pay regard to vain idols forsake their hope of steadfast love.” -Jonah 2:7-8

“But now thus says the Lord, He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Isreal; ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.” -Isaiah 43:1

“My eyes are ever towards the Lord for He will pluck my feet out of the net.” -Psalm 25:15

“Contend, O Lord, with those who contend against me; fight against those who fight against me! Take hold of shield and buckler and rise for my help! Draw the spear and javelin against my pursuers! Say to my soul, I am your salvation!” -Psalm 35:1-3

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in Him. The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” -Lamentations 3:22-26

because i love you.

I'm tired this week. 

I feel drained from head-to-toe of energy, motivation, and passion. 

I'm tired of getting out of bed in the morning.

I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing imperfection.  

I'm tired of hearing the news of yet another painful event- from the lips of someone I love. 

I'm tired of the dull ache of my own loneliness.

I'm tired of saying "yes" to the good and "no" to the bad - when the "bad" sounds appealing. 

I'm tired of caring about the pain within and without.

I'm tired of feeling out of control and uncertain.

I'm tired of choosing to trust the good God that I can't see. 

All I want right now is to be wrapped up in His arms and hide from the world, my responsibilities, and even the people that I love. 

But the steady rhythm of my journey continues. The days come and go. The choices don't end. 

And He calls me to be faithful.

Faithful?

Lord, I want to be faithful. But help me, God, because I don't know what to do. What is faithfulness right now? What is that supposed to look like? 

Half the time, in my confident forward motion, my head is screaming 

Joanna, you don't have a clue what you're doing! How can you possible expect God to be pleased with you? What if you're heading down the wrong path? What if...?

So, my typical day looks like this: I go to work, I whittle away at my to-do list, I give a hug, I send a card, I pray for them, and I engage in my personal battle of fear against faith.

The challenge is not figuring out my future (while that's a tempting pursuit), the challenge is learning to love Jesus in the waiting.  

I desire contentment here. I want to taste and see again that in His presence, there IS fullness of joy. Hi

I'm learning faithfulness in the little things. 

If you know me, you know that I don't like doing things that feel unproductive. Bring on the tangible results! I want a clear purpose and meaning behind everything, and I don't want to wait around, second guessing the actual effectiveness of what I'm doing. I mean, c'mon, I can't even stand still to brush my teeth in the bathroom without wandering around to do something else simultaneously. 

Obviously, patience is my greatest strength. 

I want to see the fruit of my faithfulness, in the BIG stuff! I don't want to choose to be faithful when nobody is looking. I don't want to be faithful in the little things. 

I don't like this. God, please, help me understand. I feel scared and confused and insecure. You're the One who has carried me this far! You're the one who has designed me with these gifts and dreams. You're the one who has blessed me abundantly, and brought me into this season. I'm trying to walk with you and I'm trying to be faithful, but I hate how this feels! Why am I here? Why are you asking this of me?

Because I love you.

It was gentle, but firm. 

Ouch. Seriously?

I love Him. I love Him so much. I want to be close to Him. I want to learn from Him. I want to become more like Him. I want to trust Him.

But, His words still stung.  

I'm wading through a contradiction of thoughts and feelings. 

I'm anxious, hurting, upset, uncomfortable, impatient, and irritated that He's asking me to be faithful in my less than ideal state. 

I'm thankful, overwhelmed by His kindness, delighted by His presence, rejoicing in new levels of freedom, embracing the journey, and in awe of His faithfulness in my less than ideal state. 

I want to ditch the discomfort. I want to pitch the pain. I want to wander out of the waiting. 

But this is where I am.

And this is where He has called me to be faithful.

I can fight against His hands holding me. I can kick and scream. I can cry and question. And believe me, friends, I am doing my fair share of all of the above. But at the end of the day, in my less than ideal state, He isn't giving me a free pass to make poor choices. He hasn't given me permission to shelve the truth and ride the waves of my every whim as I try to console my unruffled emotions.

It is so so tempting to pitch a tent and have a pity party right now...just because that's what I feel like doing. I want to bend the rules and blaze my own trail. I've had seasons where choosing to be faithful felt much, much easier. But it's here, in this place of struggle, that He has clearly commanded my faithfulness.

Why? 

It's not because He finds pleasure in pushing me to my limits.

It's not because my pain doesn't matter to Him.

It's not because He is to blame for the brokenness of my little world. 

Because I love you. 

He knows me. He knows my rough edges. It's so clear to me that the very things I would have thrown overboard long ago, are the very things He has taken in His nail-scared hands and re-purposed. He is using the irritants, the uncomfortables, the hurts and aches as tools to transform this weary heart into a heart that beats a little more like His. This is what I really want - though this human soul is crying out for something a little less stretching, a little less painful, a little less exhausting. I guess when it comes down to it, this human soul is crying out for Heaven, and I'm just not there yet.

So, while I wait, (for whatever it is I'm waiting for), I want to choose to be faithful in the little things. I know He wouldn't tell me to be faithful for nothing. He's called me to be faithful because He loves me. I'll camp my tired heart on that truth and take the next step in front of me. By faith, Because I love Him.

Because He loves me.

Friend, I don't know what kind of season you've found yourself enduring. But, if you can relate at all to the desire to snap your fingers and change the scenery, I want to encourage you. No matter what you're going through or how stuck you feel, God has not forgotten you. If He is allowing you to remain in this season it's because there is still opportunity to refine you. To be quite blunt, that matters more to Him than keeping you comfortable. If He is asking you to be faithful here, it's not because He is a cruel and demanding taskmaster. 

It's because He loves you.

He knows that the best way to get through the struggle is with your hand clasp in His. Listen to Him. Trust Him. Let Him be your anchor and your captain for the storm. He won't leave you to navigate it on your own.

You are so loved. Will you join me in letting this love be the fuel for each step of faithfulness? In His grace, in His power, we can walk this out by faith. 

-

"...he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.  Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed."

Hebrews 12:10‭-‬13

Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.

Psalms 62:8

And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.

Hebrews 11:6

Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.

Hebrews 10:35‭-‬36

In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory.

Ephesians 1:11‭-‬12

I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:12‭-‬13

Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving.

Colossians 2:6‭-‬7

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.

Ephesians 6:10‭-‬11

...For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again.

2 Corinthians 1:8‭-‬10

right here.

I’ve been frustrated lately.

Not furious, not fearful, not fantastic. Just plain old frustrated. What a captivating foundation for a blog post. Real earth-shattering (not).

It’s one of those things that has been bubbling under the surface for a while.

I had no idea until this week, when God so lovingly put His finger on my disgruntled state.

For the record, I have a love/hate relationship with the way He peels back the layers of my heart. When all is said and done, I end up won by His pursuit of my deepest places with intimate love. But, if we’re being honest, in the moment, it feels more like “Seriously, God? Did you really have to bring that up?”

True to form, my story begins with a particularly negative countenance.

I’m sure my tense body language was communicating loud and clear my need to be left alone. If I had to articulate it into words, the sign might have read something like, “don’t-talk-to-me-thank-you-very-much-I’m-fine.”

But please don’t judge me too quickly, it wasn’t intentional! As I passed through the aisles at the grocery store, I was completely unaware of the frown on my own face. Must have been too busy internally calculating the details of my life.

The week ahead was fairly clear and I knew I needed to make good use of the time. Why? Well you see, there were so many possibilities, so many opportunities, so many responsibilities, and so many things taking full advantage of my performance mentality, unrealistic expectation-ality, and routine distract-ibility.

It’s almost a funny image, but the reality stings.

As I drove home, I wrestled internally. Silencing the radio, I finally vocalized the churning emotions underneath my anxiety about the minor details of my week.

“God! What’s wrong?”

Cue the tears.

The pain of the past, the fears about the future, the discomfort of the present, it all spilled onto my steering wheel for what must be the five-hundredth time. It wasn’t new. It wasn’t a revelation. It was just me, pouring out my heart.

Yes, I can put my finger on several specific difficulties. It isn’t like everything in my life is rainbows and daisies. But at the same time, I see God at work in obvious ways. I have been blessed to catch glimpses of my own growth and the growth of others around me as I learn to walk by faith. God has been nothing but faithful and good and wonderful to me.

So there I was, having a come-to-Jesus session on HWY-211 about a season of my life that I am both thankful for AND frustrated about.

I know at this point some of you may be smirking at my emotionally-tumultuous self. But before you throw a “C’mon, Jo, this is life, get it together,” in my direction, I’d just like you to know that God loves me and my emotionally-tumultuous-self, thank you very much, and that isn’t what He said to me.

In the storm of verbal processing, I finally hit gold:

“Why do I feel like You are so distant these days?”

The reality of my frustration with God, was uncomfortable to acknowledge.

But, there’s a truth that has been washing over me during the days following that finally verbalized, very pointed question. Not a harsh reprimand, not a slap in the face revelation, this truth has come to me quietly. Subtly. Gently.

“I’m right here.”

No issue resolved. No major shift in my mood. No crystal clear direction for my future or even how to navigate this week. Just a reminder.

“I’m right here.”

Now, if you know anything about me and my life story, you know that I cherish my relationship with God.

Nobody, not one person in all of my existence has known me the way He does. No one individual has seen the ugliness of my behavior, my pain, and my heart and chosen to love me relentlessly still. Nobody has been able to speak to me, woo me, heal me, comfort me, and challenge me, like He has.

N-o-b-o-d-y.

“I’m right here.”

I have never, ever, found anything that satisfies, apart from just being in the presence of a completely perfect God whose love for me is nothing short of extravagant.

But, recently there has been a lot on my mind. Future plans, overcomplicating theology, and even this reoccurring theme of trying to figure out how to fix the unlovely parts of me. It’s exhausting inside my brain. Can anybody relate?

But for all the effort and energy in my head, I’ve had very little to show for it.

Not only that, I have felt very alone.

“I’m right here.”

Fast forward to my afternoon run the next day. 

Usually the rhythm of my feet on the pavement has a familiar comfort that calms me. Not so at that specific moment. Irritated with my wandering thoughts, I voiced my intention:

“What do you want me to pray about right now, God? What do you want to lay on my heart?”

The response almost stopped me in my tracks (which would have looked awkward jogging down Main Street).

“What if I just want to hear you tell Me that I’m wonderful?”

The first thing popping into my head wasn’t some beautiful, won-by-redeeming-love sonnet.

Um. What?

Wouldn’t that be unproductive?

Ahhh, there it is. Underneath all my striving, that old, familiar root.

“Joanna, if all I asked of you was to love Me and to let Me love you, would that be enough for you? Would you be satisfied?”

I realized that it’s time for my mind to be still, and my heart to engage again.

“I’m right here.”

The God of the universe,
the Great Creator,
the Designer of my heart,
the Savior of the world,
the King of Eternity,
the One who is the actual substance of perfect, unconditional love, hope, joy, peace, comfort, purpose, etc…

“I’m right here.”

In my very adult, very responsible, very intellectual effort to cover all the bases in my very human life, I lost sight of something very precious.

The presence of a very intimate God.

The truth that I can crawl up into His lap, bury my face in His chest, be held in His arms, call Him Abba, Beloved, Savior, and approach Him confidently to discuss anything that is bothering my weary mind is truth that takes my breath away.

It’s not about me or my striving or my behavior or my productivity. It’s about Him. It’s about the cross. It’s about the love He had for me before I ever knew His name.

Which, by the way, suits Him perfectly.

I AM.

I AM who I say I am.

I AM everything you need.

I AM more than enough to satisfy you.

“I AM right here.”

So, as I sit here at Starbucks with my fingers on the keyboard, I want to share the incredi-bility of this truth with you. Not a new revelation, not an earth shattering shift. Just a quiet, subtle, gentle reminder that He is right here.

Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, whatever you’re facing, He knows, He cares, and He never designed you to do it alone.

Will you join me as I engage my heart to worship a God who is abundantly available, abundantly beautiful, and abundantly enough?

Maybe of all the things on today’s to-do list, that’s what matters most.

“They seldom reflect on the days of their life, because God keeps them occupied with gladness of heart.” -Ecclesiastes 5:20

“Godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world.” -1 Timothy 6:6-7

“Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust in Him and He will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday.” -Psalm 37:3-6

“The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; You hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.” -Psalm 16:5-6

“Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to Heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.” -Psalm 139:7-10

“To the King of the ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen.” -1 Timothy 1:17

the ugly side of beautiful.

I’ve hesitated to write this for a while.

I guess if we’re being honest, I’ve been afraid. Afraid to face it head on again. Afraid to share it publicly. Afraid to be humble. Afraid to remind myself of the truth and let go of the lie again.

But, I’m angry. I’m sick and tired of being stolen from. I’m horrified by how much I have lost in exchange for something worthless, and I'm grieved as I watch those around me make the same mistake.. It’s time I told the truth.

As far back as I can remember, I wanted to be beautiful.

As a young girl, I dreamed of being an actress. After every movie and TV show, I would dutifully waltz into the bathroom, and take a long, scrutinizing look in the mirror. I would glance from a distance, pose, adjust, and get up close to search for blemishes only a microscope could find. Then, I would look myself directly in the eyes and say these words: 

“Joanna, you are too fat.”

This ritual that was formed in secret continued to plague me. If I could go back now, I would take a baseball bat to that bathroom mirror. I had no idea that every moment I lingered in front of my image was a moment that would reap destruction in my life for years to come.

I remember the first night I decided to stop eating. I think at the time I knew it was a bad choice, but the pain of my self-disgust had a force that was too powerful to ignore.

Looking back, I wish I could have asked myself this question:

Too fat for what, Jo?

Too fat to be an actress? No. That was never the issue.

I believed that I was too fat to be loved.

This lie was a foundation that I built upon, and my physical body become the measuring stick for my self-worth. The pain of being unlovable was unbearable, so, I took action. When I realized that I could manipulate my appearance by changing my eating, exercise, make-up, and clothing, I saw a glimmer of what I thought was “hope.”

If only I was beautiful…then, I would be enough…and if only I was enough…then, I could be loved.

What a sick cycle I sold myself to! 

Here’s the problem:

If love can be earned, it is no longer love.

I chased an illusion called “control” to get what I wanted, never realizing that I was running full tilt in the opposite direction of what my little-girl heart actually needed. There was no room to be vulnerable. No place of security to be myself. I was craving affirmation, but the mirror could never affirm me, it could only affirm my masks.

Can I be real with you?

I became more attractive, and people noticed. I was praised for being beautiful. Come to think of it, I was praised for my appearance before I ever noticed the mirror. I was often told that I was beautiful growing up. But the compliments never scratched the surface of my cavernous need for love.

It’s no secret that body-image is near top of the list for how a woman evaluates her self-worth.

But, please, hear me out,

When we try to fix the problem of self-worth by affirming the image in the mirror, we have entirely missed the root issue. Worse than that, we have cultivated deeper roots.

We have targeted a smokescreen.

We thought the problem was believing I am ugly, but what if believing I am beautiful can wreak just as much havoc?

Hang with me.

One woman believes she is unlovable because she is ugly, while another woman believes she is lovable because she is beautiful. The devastating reality is that a life built on either of these lies will never be able to experience real love.

The competent, drop dead gorgeous woman who flaunts her appearance needs to know the truth just as much as the overweight, unkempt woman who hates her appearance.

Can I tell you what I wish I had told myself when I made eye contact with the mirror 12 years ago?

You are so much more than your physical body.

Did you hear me?

You are so much more.

You are not “loveable” or “unlovable” based on the image in the mirror. Right this second, regardless of what you look like, you are 100% precious, irreplaceable, and worth cherishing.

I wish I could take hold of you by the hand and we could run away together from this world that hurls the lie at us without a moment of relief. What a tough battlefield we find ourselves in, girls!

Yes, your body has a purpose. Want to know what it is? Your body houses YOU; your body does not define YOU. Don’t get this mixed up or you will open yourself up to a world of grief.

Will you be brave with me? It’s time to stand up and say “No, thank you” to this toxicity so that we can move on to what really matters.

Like you.

The real you.

You matter.

Are you willing to fess up to your desperate need? Let the masks fall. The real you needs some real healing. The real you needs to be nourished and cherished. The real you needs an encounter with real love.

Do you want to know what I discovered?

The real love that you have been chasing, has been available to you all along. Before the first diet, before the first time on the treadmill, before the first mascara brush touched your lashes, before you ever tried to become beautiful…

You were loved.

You were designed with intentionality and purpose. You are not an accident. There is a very real God that created the very real you. Completely independent of your effort and performance, He made a choice. He chose to love you. No matter what you do or how hard you try, you cannot increase or decrease His love for you. You are worth loving because He made you. Not because you earned it.

Can you hear His voice?

“Stop fighting, stop denying, stop running, and just let Me love you!”

We were only ever meant to be satisfied by the abundant and unconditional love of God. This is what I was searching for, and this is what your heart is hungry for. This is real affirmation, affection, intimacy, and the only source of real self-worth.We can gave confidence, ladies! It's not found in ourselves, but in the security of Who we belong to and His deep and unchanging love for us. 

The first time this truth washed over me, it was accompanied by a wave of grief and anger.

Seriously? I poured all of that energy into something that not only failed to fulfill me, it devastated me.

I both damaged and lost relationships. I grieved my family. I abused my body. I made myself miserable. I formed habits that don’t come undone overnight. To this day, I continue to watch God hauling away the rubble of my faulty foundation. And it hurts.

So, I’ve chosen to speak up.

Will you join me? Will you choose courage? Will you choose to believe that you are loved? Will you choose to cling to the truth even when the lie bombards you? Will you dare to believe with me...

We are so much more.  

We are loved.

Then, washed in this truth, will you grab the women next to you by the hand and tell her too?

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

-Ephesians 2:4-10

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins."

-1 John 4:10

"For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

-Romans 5:6-8

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."

-John 3:16

honestly.

*(ugly) vulnerability alert: This week has been incredibly painful for me. It's been painful because by God's grace, some things have come to the surface that I kept buried for years. During the past couple years I've been learning the value of "confession" (or, just being honest about my sin, if we want to put it simply). Both the pain AND the freedom are fresh in me right now, so I decided to give my heart an outlet on the keys of my computer. I wrote this letter to myself as a reminder of how important it is to walk in the light. Proceed at your own risk, and keep in mind that the bluntness is directed towards myself, not you. However, if my words stir something in you, I pray you find the hope and courage needed to step into the light.*

__________________________________________________________

Hello friend,

I’ve wanted to talk to you for a while, but I haven’t been sure how to open the conversation. 

I noticed the signs a while ago, but I couldn’t pinpoint the problem. After what happened today, my fears were confirmed.

You’re struggling.

I know you already know that.

I don’t want to hurt you! I hesitated to bring it up, because the last thing I want to do is discourage you. Your slumped shoulders don’t look like they can handle one-more-ounce of discouragement.

As you read on, please remember that the purpose of this letter to extend hope, not harm.

What I am about to say is probably the last thing that you want to hear, and it would be understandable if you tear up these pages before the conclusion. But, I’m willing to risk your anger, and I’m even willing to cause you pain with these words. I love you too much to continue to stand by with my hands in my pockets as you fumble to pull yourself together.

Please be brave

…and hear me out

You need to be honest.

Your life, your freedom, and your healing is hitting the brick wall of your pretending.

It’s time to let the walls crumble.

Your secrets are toxic. You are carrying death inside of you. There is a monster in you that you cannot run away from. You’ve tried for a very long time and all you have to show for it is exhaustion and a tougher exterior.

Please, please just be honest.

It’s time to let go. No more dodging and hiding. It’s time to call it what it really is.

Sin is real.

And what you have buried under a pile of self-protection,

…is Sin.

Does that word taste bitter? Allow it to linger for a moment.

The shame you feel is real. You’re not crazy. Yes, there is something very wrong.

And, maybe, deep inside, you have already acknowledged this to yourself. That’s a huge step! And I’m proud of you! But if you stop there, you will stop short of complete freedom.

You need to be honest.

It’s time to bring it to the surface.

Every attempt to erase it has failed. All your energy spent to paint it with a pretty face has been futile. Yes, you have failed. Failed to accomplish the remedy that you needed.

Wait! Before you turn away in despair and frustration with me, remember that the purpose of this letter was to give you the gift of hope.

Though your effort has failed, your condition is not hopeless.

See, God already knows that underneath your facade, you do not the ability to be the person that you want to be. He never expected you to pull yourself together.

Did you hear me? 

You have a good, good Father who is extending compassion, not condemnation for your sin. Your denial reeks of pride, and it will keep Him at arms-length, but when you admit your weakness you will be safe and held in His arms.

What was that? Did I hear you say that your sin is ‘too ugly?’

Don’t get me wrong, He has not ignored the ugliness of your sin. He has not made excuses for you. He has not turned a blind eye to your awful reality. This God, who is both holy and loving, chose to take action on your behalf.

Lift your eyes to this:

The cross was ugly.

Nothing in all of human history was uglier than the events of that day. On that day, true innocence received the full blow for true guilt.

On the cross, Jesus Christ put to death the very sin that you have been trying to bury alive.

Your sin that you have been running away from has already been dealt with. Your penalty has been paid in full, and it wasn’t cheap. It cost the blood of Someone who loved you to the extreme measure of death.

Clothed in His righteousness, you don’t have to hide anymore. Don’t you see? Because of what He did, you can step into the light!

So will you be brave?

Open your mouth!

Let the words tumble out! Tell exactly what it is and don’t spare the specifics. True freedom is found when you reach out to someone who will sit across the table from you and hear it from your own lips.

Protecting the secret of your sin from those who love you most is not protecting you. When you keep silent, you are only protecting the very thing that is killing you!

You need to be honest.

You’ve been afraid of the pain, and I don’t blame you. When you finally let it all out, when you finally confess it for what it is, it will hurt. It will tear up the inside of you and the demolition might feel unbearable. Hold on and don’t back down. I promise, it won’t feel like that way forever.

But, why? 

Why confess it if the exposure is so painful? Why not just leave it in the ground where you buried it years ago? Why does someone else need to know?

Because you will only experience freedom from the shame

to the depth that you expose it to the light.

What you need is not a list of steps to good behavior, what you need is not a new self-help book, what you need is not greater privacy, or even a greater performance,

What your wounded heart needs is to have someone hear the details of your ugly story, look you straight in the eyes, and say “I still love you.”

Someone once told me that sin buried alive will continue to flourish underground. If you want freedom, you need to dig it up. You battle will never be won in the shadows, only the light of Jesus Christ can bring your enemy to complete destruction.

This is hope.

You will not be overcome because the war is already won. When Jesus said, “It is finished,” He meant it. So get up and claim the victory, friend.

You can live free.

You are not alone. I will stand by you. I will walk with you. I will fight for you. But my words on the page can’t fix anything. You are the only one who can choose to open the door and step into the daylight.

You need to be honest.

Love,

         Me.

 “This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” – 1 John 1:5-9

“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” – James 5:16

“for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, “Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.” – Ephesians 5:8-14

“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.” – 1 Peter 2:9

“We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin... For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.” Romans 6:6-7; 10-11

 “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” – Hebrews 4:15-16

“May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.” – Colossians 1:11-4