uncloaked.

“Hand it over” You said
It seems like yesterday
And with significant reluctance
I resolved to obey

“You’re wearing it again” You would whisper in my ear
And off it would come
As You calmed my anxious fears

In the safety of Your arms
I found I could forgo
That tattered cloak around me
Til in Your light she was exposed

“Was that there all along?”
The horror brought me to my knees
Who is the ugly woman
I see staring back at me?

I’ve never felt so dirty
I’ve never been more afraid
And though I know You want to hold me
I cling to my cloak of shame

I pull it tight around my shoulders
See, it’s kept me safe and warm
Through the bitter cold
And the flood season storms

In the moment I felt safe
I invited You in
Thinking You would heal me
But You’re hurting me again!

What are You doing?
Get your hands off me!
The wounds You’re trying to examine
Are places better left unseen

This heart is mine
Broken as it may be
Must You expose every crack
For a harsh world to critique?

But wait, it’s not the world
That strikes terror deep in me
Your gaze burns the most
Because you’re the God
Who really sees

I was holding it together
I was doing just fine
I was limping but surviving
Until You came along

You’re right
My defenses burned me
But, at least buried under ashes
I could drown the hurt

I’ve done things in the dark
And that’s where they belong
Out of sight, out of mind
I almost feel strong

But, under this cloak
I’m not very clean
The scars are infested
The depravity reeks

You’d never know
“See, I’ll twirl for you!”
This pretty black cloak
Keeps the real me from view

The me that’s uncontrollable
The me that rages in fury
The me that hates the good
And craves the things that destroy me

I didn't want You to see
The me that is ugly

But, the storm wrenched my cloak away
When trust loosened my grip
And I heard the sound of chains
Hit the floor with the fabric

Naked and disrobed
Nowhere left to hide
I stand here before you
And I can’t look you in the eyes

I’ve always joked about my pride
But my humor was blind
In the painful sting of humility
You opened up my eyes

This ugly woman is ashamed
Though she once held her head high
Underneath all that control
She really felt she lived a lie

Discovered here, the wounded heart
Of a frightened little girl
Innocence spoiled
Value shattered on the floor

And now it’s all exposed
And the ugly overwhelms
“Hand it over,” You once said
How could I be so dumb?

Yet, here
At the end of me, You whisper
“I’ve only just begun”

I choke back tears at the rubble
That is now clearly seen
I lift my eyes from the dust
And You’re still looking at me

Surely I must be repulsive
Why do you still want me?
My mind is assaulted
Familiar phrases taunt me

I’m weak
I’m filthy
Everything I do is wrong
I shouldn’t exist
I’m a very bad person

Within Your timeless gaze
What I see confuses me
No look of disgust
Only fierce love and mercy

“Who told you ‘you were bad?’
Who condemned you as ‘unlovely?’
Those words were never meant for you
Hear My side of the story

You were designed for beauty
But never on your own
Like a flower uprooted
You will wither without Me

The ugly that you cloaked?
Though horrific, no surprise
So draw close to Me
And look Me in the eyes

Shielding you from restoration
Hiding you from healing
Your cloak has kept you far too long
From exposure to my light”

So here I am Uncovered
To your rays Exposed
I’ve got nothing to lose
And nowhere else to go

Hoping You’ll still love me
As I slowly come undone
I’ll let this cloak unravel
To stand unashamed in the Son

"I will greatly rejoice in the Lord;
    my soul shall exult in my God,
for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation;
    he has covered me with the robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress,
    and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
For as the earth brings forth its sprouts,
    and as a garden causes what is sown in it to sprout up,
so the Lord God will cause righteousness and praise
    to sprout up before all the nations."
-Isaiah 61:10-11

run with me.

“Just breathe, you’re almost done.”

My feet pound the pavement on a hot sunny day. The melting tar crackles under my shoes. One minute left and then I can walk again, cool off, stretch.

I grit my teeth, close my eyes, and mutter, “Run with me, God! I need you to run with me!”

Instantly an image flashes through my mind.

My Savior laughs and says, “No my child, you run with Me.”

Instead of the long hot road ahead of me, we’re running through a beautiful place near a waterfall. I hold His hand tightly and put my feet where He steps. We’re leaping over rocks and splashing through the cool river. Every time I stumble, His strong arms hold me. We climb trees and mountains and wander through beautiful underground caves. All the while, His light guides me. Around every corner there is a new and exciting experience. Danger lurks and I’m afraid, but His steady voice leads me ever forward. We’re on our way to His home, and He knows how to safely maneuver every step.

He knows every twist and turn. Most importantly, He knows me.

“BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!”

It’s been one minute.

I open my eyes and see the long road ahead of me. The sun beats on my back and a sharp pain shoots up the back of my legs. I slow to a walk and decide,

I want to run with Jesus.

Note: I wrote this in my journal towards the end of summer 2013. It was a very dark and painful season of my life, but even then, God was pursing me. Looking back at this journal entry, I smile because of how very real this picture has, and continues to, become in my life. God is good to me. Now, jogging is not only an activity that I enjoy, I've had many sweet conversations with my Savior while I'm out in the beauty of His world! #redemptionforthewin.

In just 12 days I will be participating in the Run4Mercy 5K and Family Walk to celebrate the freedom I've found from the life controlling issues of an eating disorder, self harm, suicidal thoughts, and depression. I'm looking forward to running with Jesus. Are you interested in joining my team? I'd love to have your prayers, encouragement, presence, financial support, or all of the above for the day of the run!

For more information visit my personal support profile:
http://www.runformercy.org/site/TR/Run/RunforMercy?px=1284107&pg=personal&fr_id=1820

another step.

I put in my headphones and tuned out the world
Excitement fueled my stride as I took to the road
I felt the stress slide off my shoulders
The tension slipped away
Thank you, Jesus for providing a beautiful day

I’ve always liked adventure
Or, so that’s what I’ve claimed
Through steady breathing I whisper
C’mon Lord, I’m ready, lead the way!

With Your praises on my tongue
With love rooted in my heart
I feel confident, secure and strong
Thinking to myself, a perfect start

“Step, step” is the rhythm
God, you are so good!
My arms swing to the beat
Music playing joy's anthem on repeat

Thoughts wander to my day
To my life, To my heart
My smile fades away
And lines of worry take it’s place

I could have done better
Tried harder, Spoke sweeter
I could have loved You more
Paid more attention to Your leading

Shoes on the pavement suddenly sound annoying
I check my pace
Slower than normal
And the discouragement is settling

Jesus, help me! I need you!
I don’t want to keep going
The road is so long
And I’m so afraid of stumbling

Each step feels like failure
I’m tired
This isn’t fun
I don’t know what you want from me
But I’m ready to be done

“Trust Me,” You say
Just take another step
You don’t know what’s ahead
Please, let Me lead the way

Choosing trust instead of doubt
Relief boosts my stride
Thank you, Father for loving me
My mind calms as I abide

For an hour I’ve been running
Or at least that’s how it feels
I look down and start to wonder
Would this be easier with new shoes?

Mile one slips into the past
And I reach for encouragement
Considering your words
To Your strong hand I hold fast

The road begins to climb
But my pace remains steady
Up ahead I spot another
She’s out running just like me

But wait, we aren’t the same
She’s built for speed
Her strides are long
And suddenly, I feel quite slow

Before I know it I’ve evaluated her
Looked her up and down, head to toe
I kick it up a notch
In my subconscious, a new goal

“Don’t sprint,” You say
Just take another step
You don’t know what’s ahead
Please, let Me lead the way

Choosing to ignore instead of heeding You
Competition boosts my stride
Father, look what I can do!
I’ve gained a lot of ground (Well, isn’t that true?)

The hill continues to climb
The top is out of sight
My legs begin to burn
I’m irritated with my lack of might

C’mon, Jo! You can do this!
Chiding weakness within
I coax myself to keep pushing
"You’re stronger! You can win!"

Rounding the corner, Miss Competition is gone
But the hill just keeps climbing
As if my headphones became muted
I no longer hear joy themed songs

I don’t think I can do this
The frustration burns my eyes
Like a cold, sudden downpour
Fear seeps right through my skin

“Will you trust Me?” You say
Just take another step
You don’t know what’s ahead
Please, let Me lead the way

Choosing faith to fuel my strength
Hope compels my stride
Painfully slow, but it’s steady
I begin up the incline

But halfway, that’s it
I’m done
I don’t have one more breath
Sorry, God,

I won’t take another step.

In a heap along the road
I decide to sit
I’m angry and I’m cold
Most of all, I’m disappointed

This isn’t what I thought when You said,
Will You run with Me?
I’ve done my best, can’t you see?
And it’s just not worth it!

On the other side of that hill
I know there is probably another
And what if it's too big!?
I don't have strength to muster

I might slip and fall
Or veer off into the ditch
You don't understand!
What if I can't finish?

I look foolish, I know
So please don’t tell me how I’m wrong
My mind swimming with despair
Silence blankets my praise songs

Abba, where are You?
Tears falling in the rain
I don’t know what to do
Nothing feels the same

Your arms wrap around me
We sit beside the road
Baby, girl, remember?
I said it’s OK to go slow.

“Trust Me” You say
Just take another step
You don’t know what’s ahead
So, let Me lead the way

On my feet again
You lift my chin and brush me off
At my own immaturity
Escapes a sorry sounding laugh

Come to think of it
Haven’t I seen this hill before?
Another time, another place?
None of this is new with YouStruggle, elation, victory, and pain

Circling my mountain
I look up to seek Your face
Calling to mind reasons I love you
God, I stand amazed

You are so good!
Praise slips from my lips
Your patience astounds me
Mercy heals me
and Grace builds confidence

I run to You and for You
I run with You, my Lord
Humbled again by who You are
The original goal restored

Choosing to believe You
Another step is all I can do
But it’s all You’ve asked of me
So yes, Lord, I trust You

Letting go of false perfection
Burned by my own control
Each step moves me closer
But there’s a long way to go

Up ahead in my run
The road is winding to who knows where
Another step that I don’t want to take
So, can consistency become new shoes for my feet?

Will You help me? I keep asking
Will you trust Me? You reply
And so we’ll continue
Till I’ve crossed the finish line

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.” -Hebrews 12:1-3

“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” -Romans 5:1-5

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” -James 1:2-4

“Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 3:8-14

show me.

Sinking into my seat
I breathed out a sigh
Discouraged, definitely
Enthusiasm deflated
And frustration spoke its piece

“God, if only I could say it
In a way they’d understand
If only they would get it
If they’d reach out
And take Your hand

I could shout it from the rooftop
I could scream it in their ear
It’s funny how people listen
But they don’t actually hear

Years of walls fortified
Layers of defenses
Brick by brick laid to rest
Refuse to come undone
In one monumental day.”

My heart swelled to bursting
My tears flowed freely
I had seen pain in cold, hard eyes
Masked by years of pretending

Alive in pulse only
In reality numb
Dead to truly feeling
Who could blame them?
Surely not me
Once queen of pretending

“I guess it hurts so much,”
I whispered in the calm of the storm
“Because I know the truth…
The deepest fears
Meet their match
Faced head on with You”

“Come here, child”
Becoming still to draw near,
At His voice I halted
“I’d like to give you a voice
But first, lend me your ear:

I know your dreams
I see your goals
Your desires are not foreign
But before you take flight
I need to warn you of a danger

In your pursuit to make Me known
Don’t to Me become a stranger

You want to be great
Get ‘big things’ done for Me
You want to be remembered
As bowing humbly at My feet

Set the world on fire
With a passion for My name
Sacrifice your comfort
In bringing Me fame

These things are not wrong
I love your passion
And your zeal makes Me smile
But acts of service for Me
Without intimacy
Don’t go one single mile

Do you really want to show Me?
To a world broken by pain?
Then come here
Get to know Me
You won’t walk away unchanged

How can you expect to show them
The truth, the life, the way
Without these essential needs
Met in your own day?

Don’t be too busy for Me
And then their burdens
Take time to carry
That isn’t what I meant
When I said “Come to Me
Those who are weary”

Whose disciple were you first?
Have you forgotten you have cares?
Don’t be afraid to cast your burdens
I’m not a God of the masses
I’m the God who meets you here

Show them!
Show them who I am!
A Good Father
Faithful Lover
and Intimate Friend

Full of kindness
Always perfect
Despising evil
Bringing justice
Delighting in the truth

You are right, little one
They desperately need to know me
But don’t get out it out of order
Come to Me first
Say “Abba, show me!”

His voice was gentle, but firm
It took my breath away
And it struck me how easy
To let this one truth Slip away

All the sudden, clarity
The value realized at once
Not one moment in the stillness
Not one lonely prayer wasted
Investing in our relationship
Is of utmost importance

No higher cause
No greater deed
Than to pour my love on Him
He get my best and my all
My heart belongs to Him

Fresh tears streaked my face
My eyes lit with understanding
My heart stirred by desperation

“I do long to show them who You are
But more than that, I want to know You
So will you show me who You are?
Just like them,


I need to know You”

"Be still and know that I am God"-Psalm 46:10

"Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent." -John 17:3

"Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." -John 15:4-5

“I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me—  just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep." -John 10:14-15

 “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." -Mark 12:14-15

"...you have perseverance and have endured for My name's sake, and have not grown weary. But I have this against you, that you have left your first love.

'Therefore remember from where you have fallen, and repent and do the deeds you did at first..." -Revelation 2:3-5

"No longer will they teach their neighbor,

or say to one another, ‘Know the Lord,’

because they will all know me,

from the least of them to the greatest.

For I will forgive their wickedness

and will remember their sins no more.”
-Hebrews 8:11-12

my story.

"Hello, my name is Joanna Hope Beresford."

Pull up a chair. Grab a cup of coffee. I want to tell you a story.

It's my story.

But, it really isn't mine. It belongs to a the hero who saved my life. That's who I'd like to dedicate it to, anyways. After all, every good story is dedicated to someone, right?

Let's begin.

I was a very good girl.

If you asked me who I was, I would have rattled off some titles and identifying factors:

Preacher's daughter; homeschooled; sold-out Christian; theater enthusiast; writer; singer; speaker; horse-crazy country girl; the loyal best friend to many; my mother's sweet girl, my daddy's straight-A student; full of potential; full of joy.

I'm going to make such an impact in the world for Jesus. 

I may have been many things, but above all, I was a very good girl.

Cool story, Jo. 

...

My knees hit the cold cement. I looked up and the stars mocked me. The awe and wonder of their beauty no longer stirred me. My mind swarmed with thoughts darker than the January night. I was numb, but it wasn't the winter air. 

"God, why won't you just let me die?"

...

The story that my performance told was a lie. The truth? I was not a good girl. And it plagued me.

There were deep wounds inside my heart from childhood trauma that I had buried.
Real emotions that I had drowned in the name of godliness.
Passionate self hatred and shame.

I'm not sure when, but at some point I went into hiding. I hid the real Joanna behind the Joanna that I wished I was.

This is my story:

The lies and pretending go back into early childhood.
The sexual addiction was confined to junior high.
The eating disorder took control in high school.
Anorexia appealed to me. Bulimia disgusted me.
First one and then the other, I became a slave to both.
Self harm became my release. The temporary escape.
The lies continued. False fronts. Intentional deception.

The darkness was my friend.

Finally, obsessed with death, I sought my own.

3 years ago my life spiraled out of control and into a nightmare I never dreamt possible.

I applied for a 6 month women's residential treatment program as a result of an ultimatum from those who loved me most. Something had to change.

I was accepted into the program and became a resident of Mercy Multiplied in Lincoln, CA on June 25th, 2014. In my pride, I thought I would be in and out in 5 months. In my hopelessness I was convinced it would fail me and upon returning home, I would commit suicide.

I was wrong on both accounts.

For one thing, this "6 month program" turned into 14 months as I fought to maintain my control.

I walked through the doors of Mercy with a fantastic attitude. I was unmotivated, unwilling, unfeeling, and silently furious. I fought the help extended to me. I refused to change. I broke the rules just because I wanted to. Much of my time there was caught in a familiar cycle of success to failure and hopefulness to despair.

One by one my destructive behaviors were addressed, but more terrifying than that, the roots that ran deep into my heart were exposed.

Pain.

So much pain.

Ugly.

So much ugly.

For the first time, the real Joanna Hope Beresford stepped forward.

(And for the record, I didn't like what I saw.)

My healing and freedom journey during my time in CA was m-e-s-s-y.

At one point when I got honest about the ugly, it devastated me and fear took control. I plunged back into my suicidal mentality, and was taken to the emergency room by the staff at Mercy. I ended up being involuntarily admitted to the county psychiatric hospital and diagnosed with severe clinical depression. After the week long "vacation" in the hospital, I returned to Mercy and resumed the program.

(Another for the record: Becoming a patient in a mental institution wasn't on my bucket list as a "good girl" growing up. Nope. Pretty sure not.)

By my own profession, I had been obsessed with Jesus.

But, to be honest with you, I wasn't obsessed with Jesus. I was obsessed with my misconception of who He was and my own ability to impress Him with my good behavior.

When the real me stepped forward, I had an encounter with the real Jesus. Funny, it happened when I was stripped of everything that I believed qualified me to know Him.

While "Messy" does seem like an accurate description of my time in treatment, it doesn't capture the entirety of my story. So, "Redeemed" is the word I've chosen.

Can't take credit for that one.

I discovered that I am loved passionately and jealously by someone who calls me precious. He whispered sweet nothings in my ear while I sat in an unkept corner room of a psychiatric ward. He consistently called me beautiful on the days my face lit up with joy, and on the days my face was swollen from crying. I uttered my deepest secrets in counseling and fell into the loving arms of mercy and grace. Nothing I said or did could shake the truth of my Redeemer's love.

I am happy to say that I did complete the program, and found myself up front for a graduation ceremony on August 26th, 2015. I walked out the doors of Mercy, not with the intention of ending my life (like I had previously predicted), but with every intention of living it to the fullest.

A little less than 6 months ago, I left California stomping my feet in victory and filled to overflowing with a hope I never imagined possible.

Now, I'm trying to figure out how to live life outside the safe walls where I first tasted freedom. Messy is still one of my favorite adjectives.

These months of transition have been, and continue to be difficult and painful. I have fallen flat on my face more times than I want to admit. This week. My journey of healing from past trauma and the internal consequences of addiction continues. The counseling that began at the Mercy home is now relocated to the lovely and rainy state of Oregon.

And God is still good.

I am falling deeper in love with my hero, Jesus. I am being pursued and won back again and again by His tenderness as He relentlessly restores me.

I'm discovering new levels of freedom, and yes, new levels of my own brokenness. I'm trying to accept the reality that I am not perfect-on a daily basis! I'm trying to push past the fear that screams "you'll never make it!" I'm trying to trust my God and choose to believe that He is a good father.

I am terribly human, just like you.

Here's the deal,

My story is nothing special.

It's special to me. And it's special to Jesus, cause He freaking loves me like nobody's business. But in the grand scheme of things, it's not all that grand. I haven't been through the best or the worst circumstances. All I know, is that when it was just my story, it was a story of darkness, death, deception, and despair. Now, I dedicate it to Him, because it's only when I let Him take it from my hands that it became beautiful.

I know that you have a story too.

And while I will never know the depths of your story, (the pain, the shame, the mistakes, the victories), anymore than I can get you to understand what has happened in my heart, I do know that He knows your story.

I share my story because I want you to know what He has done for me. I want you to know who He is. I want you to know what He's done for me because it's incredible! Because He is incredible!

I am not who I was.

I am no longer Joanna, the good girl.
I am no longer Joanna, the performer.
I am no longer Joanna, the victim.
I am no longer Joanna, the liar.
I am no longer Joanna, the eating disordered.
I am no longer Joanna, the depressed.
I am no longer Joanna, the cutter.
I am no longer Joanna, the suicidal.
I am no longer Joanna, the bound.

I am not what I have done and I am not what has been done to me.

I am loved.
I am chosen.
I am treasured.
I am free.
I am restored.
I am whole.
I am healed.
I am pure.
I am redeemed.

I am His.

My life is now His story.

So, let my story end here.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭5:17‬

“In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.”

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭1:7-10‬

“For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭8:14-17‬

“He sent from on high, he took me; he drew me out of many waters. He rescued me from my strong enemy and from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me. They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me.”

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭18:16-19‬

“But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. To the King of the ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen.”

‭‭1 Timothy‬ ‭1:16-17‬

too real.

The struggle is real. 

It amazes me how often I hear this phrase in one day. At work. At home. In my mind. From my own lips.

I try to tie my shoes and get tangled in the laces. The struggle is real.

I try to juggle far too many grocery bags while opening the front door. The struggle is real.

I can't open the pickle jar. The struggle is real.

But, this seemingly light and insignificant phrase has been ringing in the corridors of my busy mind lately. And you want to know something? It isn't always as comical as impossible pickle jars and tangled shoelaces.

Sometimes the struggle is too real. 

Can we be too real?

I want to be real. I want to be genuine. I want to be authentic.

That sounds so nice.

I bet you would say the same.

Be yourself. Be honest. Don't hide the pain. Open up. Be vulnerable.

I mean, c'mon, denial, minimizing, unhealthy coping, self deception...these are not favorable attributes.

I'm learning how to be real with God. Ugly, snotty, angry, broken, weak...etc.
But when I am sobbing on the floor, allowing the real me to be exposed...Then what? 

What happens after I'm real?

"Joanna, look at me."

If maintaining eye contact with my shoes was possible, I was well on my way to becoming a champ at sneaker etiquette.

"I need you to be honest."

An avalanche threatened to crash inside my chest. I clenched my jaw so that a quick flinch would be the only thing that escaped to the outside of me. 

You would think the pressure from the command combined with the pressure within would be enough to break down my resolve. But to my own surprise, the walls refused to cave.

This one thought singed the back of my mind: 
If you knew what was going on inside of me, you wouldn't tell me to be honest. 

One day I woke up and the struggle wasn't just "real." It was hideously ugly, and too massive to hide.

In the horror of my exposure, I discovered something:

Being real doesn't fix anything.

Not. one. ugly. problem. 

In fact, being honest has consistently made things uglier for me.

Well, thank you, Joanna, that was encouraging. 

Uh huh. I feel your pain.

 "Fine. You want the truth? I hate this! I wish it was different. Maybe I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. And I hate it. I have tried to change and failed over and over again and I just don't care anymore. I'm too tired. I'm sick of facing this. So what am I supposed to do now? Huh? You have all the answers, right?" 

Silence.

What a sick joke.

Sinking to the floor I held out empty hands. 

"I don't have anything left, God. I just don't have anything left."

This is too real. 

The world is crying out for people to be honest and real about the ugly. But "being real" only took me down a dead-end road where I found that my worst fear was true, and I was hopeless. 
 
It was there, in the land of "too real" that I found the purpose of "being real"...Are you ready?

Honesty pulls the plug on my illusion of strength. 

 In my ugly mess, I find myself stripped of every option and solution my brilliantly confused mind has conjured up.

This is a beautiful place.

Why?

It's not because real is beautiful.

It's because that's where I learn that beautiful comes from Him, not me.

Be real, my friend.

Be ugly, gut-wrenching, tear-streaming, real.

But, once you get to the deep pit called real...don't despair there.

Your struggle might be too real for you, but it's not too real for God. 

More than your no-make-up Monday, more than your sweaty gym shorts, more than your broken marriage and your wounded past. More than the struggle is real,

God is real.

His very real feet walked the turf of our very real world. His very real hands touched the filthiest beggar and the ugliest sinner. His very real blood dripped down a very real cross. 

If anyone is real, He is real.

I know that you are not interested in a God who is uninvolved, uninformed, and untrustworthy.

I'm not either.

I'm not a fake person, ok? I don't do fake. Inconsistency when it comes to hardcore life issues irritates me (my sock drawer is another story, don't judge).

Yes, I read my Bible and I pray and pretty much all the music I listen to has something to do with Jesus. But, can I be honest with you? 
Most of the time my conversations with God are not sweet and angelic. I often read things in my Bible that bug me, confuse me, or sound stupid to me. I have a million questions and I trust God very little in comparison to how much I wish I trusted Him.

But I continue to pursue Him because I am desperate for something real. I am desperate for hope. I am desperate for purpose that is beyond a few short years of the mundane on this earth. I crave a real God.

Leading. Guiding. Instructing. Comforting. Helping. Supporting. Training. Encouraging. Counseling. Rescuing. Revealing. Interacting. Speaking. Loving. Pursuing. Transforming. Longing. Touching. Listening.

This is who He is.

I walked through the kitchen and felt a presence over my shoulder. A whisper in my heart saying "this is the way, walk in it."

I told Him I was terrified and felt His touch calm my heart, "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. I will counsel you with my eye upon you."

I handed a cup of coffee to a woman at the drive-through window last week who said her mother was dying, and my eyes stung with tears. "I'm making you like me," He said, and I felt His heartbeat. 

I want you to know Him. I can't express to you how badly I want you to know Him. 

I can talk and type until I'm blue in the face. You are the only one who can choose to believe Him when He says that He is real and that He is everything He claims to be.

Did you hear me?

You will never know how real He can be until you let your walls down and let Him in. 

It's time to get out of your own way. It's time to quit.

Quit trying to make your reality feel less real. Quit trying to put a bandaid on a real gushing wound. Quit pretending that you can fix a problem that you have no real hope of fixing. Quit fighting Him.

He is real.

This is my challenge for you:

In this struggle called life, don't just get real.

Get real with Him. 

Pick up a Bible. Ask the tough questions. Invite Him to show Himself to you.

And if that freaks you out, join the ranks! It is a terrifying thing to turn and face a real God.

Do it afraid. 

You might not like what He has to say.

Listen anyway.

You might not like the pain that comes with the restoration He wants to do inside of you.

Don't run.

Be brave enough to face up to your real, even if it's real ugly.
And then, take it one step further...

Ask Him to be real to you there.

I dare you.

.



It's worth it.

Did I mention that it's worth it?

To experience Him as real is so worth it.

extraordinary.

I'm not a fan of the ordinary.

I'm just not.

In fact, while I've been mulling over sitting down to write this post, I've been considering how much I loathe the ordinary and it has put me in a rather unpleasant mood.

I'm a dreamer, an idealist, an extremist.

What a terrible disappointment to live in a world that functions on the wave link of reality.

In the pictures of my mind, life is full of wonder, passion, and inspiration. I have this burning inside of me to live for the miraculous and the extraordinary. This is who I am.

Unfortunately, sometimes the Dreamer Joanna bumps into the Out-of-Clean-Laundry Joanna in the hallway of my life and knocks all loveliness out of my hands, creating a monumental, disorganized mess all over the floor.

Ugh.

Life is full of the ordinary.

Can I confess something embarrassing? I feel like I do far better handling the "significant" issues of life than I do the simplest, everyday tasks.

You know, the life maintenance type stuff:
Food, water, sleep, exercise, organization, cleanliness...etc.

These things are just plain boring to me.

Sometimes I pitch a fit about the difficulty of being disciplined in such "stupid, unimportant, time consuming...etc" areas of life.

Super mature, I know.

Sometimes I give up and attempt blissful ignorance as those areas fall by the wayside (cue the "out-of-clean-laundry" incident).

Super smart, I know.

Running from the ordinary hasn't served me well. So, I've decided to do an about-face and look my longstanding foe in the eye.

"Hello, ordinary. Nice to see you again. How's your family? Nice weather we've been having, although it's a little too cold for my taste."

Now, are you ready for the ugly?

This is what I discovered when I looked honestly at my hatred for good ol' ordinary:

I hate it, because...I want to be extraordinary. And I'm not. 

I'm a 100% organic, home grown, ordinary human.

I find myself broken, needy, and weak when I long to be mended, sufficient, and strong. I find myself dull and boring in the moments I want to be spectacular and exciting.

So on an ordinary morning, in an ordinary apartment, this ordinary girl sat down to have a chat with the One who cares about her not so ordinary desires.

Hey Abba,

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning... To be 100% honest, I don't really want to be talking to you right now. Would you bring me back to your feet and reveal yourself to me? I've been getting bored with you. I know I shouldn't! You are limitless.

Why is it so hard to just be? 

...I want to be acceptable to you...I want you to be pleased with me. 

...I'm disappointed with myself...I feel like I've been trying so hard...and I still don't know how to navigate life."

When all the words, and a few tears, had spilled on the pages of my journal, I sat in the stillness and I heard Him.

"Joanna, I need you to let me be God."

Ugh. Nailed it.

"God, I feel like I have all this pressure to make my life look a certain way right now!"

"Well, is it working?"

"No."

Point made. 

This week I received an invitation from God to hang up my "extraordinary" cape and exchange it for the freedom to just be me.

Later that very same day, up to my elbows in some very ordinary soap suds and dishes, I was frustrated with myself. Why? Because as much as I want to be content with the mundane, I'm not! I don't like it. I crave something more.
The internal conflict was so irritating, that I finally put words to it and directed it at Mr. "Let-me-be-God-and-you-can-just-be-you" Himself.

"If I'm so ordinary, and life is so ordinary, then WHY did You make me like this? Why do I have such a powerful desire for more?"

He is so gentle.

"Baby girl, your longing for the extraordinary is not bad."

Wait, what?

"...In fact, I put that inside of you. You may be ordinary, but I am not. Will you let Me come be extraordinary in you?"

His words are still ringing in my ears.

"Will you let Me be extraordinary?"

Oh.

It's Him.

He doesn't need colored lights and mountain tops and award winning anthems. He requests unhindered access to my heart right here in my ordinary.

Extraordinary isn't what He needs from me, it's who He is. 

There is never a moment too normal for His nearness, too mundane for His magnificence, or too insignificant for His incredible.

There is never a moment too ordinary for Him.

So here I am, embarking on an ordinary adventure to discover an extraordinary God.

Want to join me?

.

"Great are the works of the Lord,

    studied by all who delight in them.

Full of splendor and majesty is his work,

    and his righteousness endures forever.

He has caused his wondrous works to be remembered;

    the Lord is gracious and merciful."
- Psalm 111:2-4

"The Lord is high above all nations,

    and his glory above the heavens! 

Who is like the Lord our God,

who is seated on high,

who looks far down

on the heavens and the earth?

He raises the poor from the dust

and lifts the needy from the ash heap,

to make them sit with princes,

with the princes of his people."

- Psalm 113:4-8

"these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God. For who knows a person's thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. Now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand the things freely given us by God."

- 1 Corinthians 2:10-12